DS breaking up with GF after trip

[Flutterflys]

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

I understand not wanting to make her seem like a helpless victim... but if you're withholding this kind of information from a friend, partner, family member, then you're either worried about their reaction (i.e. because you don't think they're on the same page) or you don't care/respect them.

I actually think that taking DS's approach is what casts her as that. He's removing her ability to make an informed decision, whatever it may be.

Or... That it's weird to withhold this information from her. Quite infantilising, no? Genuinely, what harm would being honest about his intentions do here that would be worse than breaking up with her at the end, having known he was going to do it all along.

And just because she's "driven" and academically able, etc. doesn't mean she doesn't want a long-term relationship. Why would those two be related?

Someone brought up the sex aspect and I’ve really struggled to shake it.
There’s definitely a grey area of morality in having sex with someone while planning to end your relationship after it has ceased to be of benefit to you.
It’s very grim.
He’s using her financially, emotionally and sexually in a way she is not fully informed of.

I mean, would she consent to having sex with him if she knows he’s going to dump her in a few weeks? She should be told so she is giving fully informed consent?

Older teenage boys headed for university do a lot of this type of shit, and it’s high time we stopped treating it as if it’s acceptable. It’s absolutely everyone’s right to exit a relationship, but so, so shitty to plan it and then let the other person know at a later date, after having lots of extra sex with them while it’s convenient to do so.

How, honestly, is he planning to enjoy this trip knowing what he’s going to do?

@GrinAndVomit - I keep thinking about the sex aspect also....it makes me feel very uneasy.

He's pretty much getting sex by deception. She thinks they're in a long-term relationship. He knows they're not. But if she knew that, she might not want to have sex with him. Therefore, he is deceiving her for sex. It's disgraceful.

Well it is quite an obvious option for her to explore. Maybe she has friends from similarly affluent families who can afford it. Maybe she doesn't.

No idea what you're talking about RE people thinking he should "make it up to her". People are saying she deserves to be told of the plans her boyfriend has already made because this may well inform her choices to go on the trip with him and also to (presumably) continue to have sex with him.

The person to blame for sending this girl stupid messages the week of her final exams is OP's DS. Nobody else. And certainly not strangers his mum is talking to on the internet 🤣

OP, I would ask for this thread to be deleted if I were you. To lessen the risk of press vultures getting hold of it.

Not one of the people I went to uni with, who arrived having a partner, still had them by the end of the first year.
it might fizzle out anyway as she wants to have the full uni experience, making new friends, going out with them…

That sounds like a good step & the right way to start the conversation.

I think you've handled this well & also some of the harsher comments here. I think your DS sounds like a decent guy, but needs to think a little further about what he does now.

@IsThereAnEchoInHere

Why are you saying bye on a forum? I don't require it!

Such strange comments from you on this thread.

Imagine being the kind of person to call a 19 yo you don't know a 'sorry excuse of a man' & describe his relationship as toxic.

Knowing the OP will read it?

Sure, object to his choices or whatever but why be so pejorative & plain nasty? It says a whole lot more about you as a person than it does OP's DS

@Flutterflys

I hadn't seen your final update - that sounds GF is as sensible as your DS, and no massive risk of broken hearts.

I hope you are ok - there have been some really awful posts making comments about your DS, can't imagine what those posters are thinking.

My partner and I met just before going to unis at opposite end of the country. Our 5 week trip around Europe in the summer before we went solidified our relationship and we're still together 10 years later! I think we were both planning on breaking up before uni but ended up forming a really strong relationship. Let him grow through this in his own way and if they break up that's their journey, but they might not.

Thinking about it, I did something similar as 20yo. I figured out, I didn't want to continue long term with the relationship, but I went for the already planned holidays and I broke up with him about a month later (I timed it between the last exam and beginning of new school year, to minimise impact and awkwardness with common friends).

Much later, he asked me, whether I did knew it back there, and when I confirmed, he thanked me. He is disabled and it was much better for him to know it wasn't about his disability (if I ducked out from the relationship just before the holiday, it might'd seem so), but about my wants and plans.

Well that says it all … keep out of their relationship and leave them to enjoy their holiday, end of story.
Stop even discussing it with your son, leave them both alone to enjoy the time they are together.
Forget he even mentioned it.

I agree with this ^^

But this isn’t a reasonable or rational reaction to a normal life event. Other stuff must have been going on for you, other than being dumped, to justify such a breakdown. That’s sad, and I hope you got support, but it’s neither normal nor the fault of your partner. People get dumped, it’s normal, and as a pp said, she will likely be dumped, and dump others, countless more times before she settles down. We can’t bubble wrap these kids against upset, nor should we pander to cries of ‘trauma’ for a totally normal life event.

But this isn’t a reasonable or rational reaction to a normal life event. Other stuff must have been going on for you, other than being dumped, to justify such a breakdown. That’s sad, and I hope you got support, but it’s neither normal nor the fault of your partner. People get dumped, it’s normal, and as a pp said, she will likely be dumped, and dump others, countless more times before she settles down. We can’t bubble wrap these kids against upset, nor should we pander to cries of ‘trauma’ for a totally normal life event.

Yes, I was depressed at the time, and the two things fed into each other. But my point is I don't think that's uncommon at all. I think, as a general rule, teenagers take relationships very seriously. I don't think it's as common as people are saying for people that age to have a "don't want to be tied down, casually dating around" attitude. I think that's more common later.

I don't expect her to be bubbled wrapped, obviously if he wants to break up with her that's what needs to happen. I just totally disagree with the attitude that because she's young, she won't be that upset. I think the opposite is true.

about 1/3 to 1/2 of young adults showed signs of anxiety and depression AFAIK.

In other words: most of them have other stuff that is going on.

Reasonable and rational aren't necessarily the words I'd use to describe the average teenager/young adult. Emotional maturity and impulse control tend to improve with age...

I don't expect her to be bubbled wrapped, obviously if he wants to break up with her that's what needs to happen. I just totally disagree with the attitude that because she's young, she won't be that upset. I think the opposite is true.

Precisely. Emotional regulation and perspective tend to come with age for many (not all, obviously).

This is what I suspected.

18 year olds running off to London with AAA’s aren’t planning their ever after love. I think realistically she knows it will die a death. But why over think it?

This sounds really difficult from a parents point of view. I feel for you, especially if you feel she is a nice girl.

i half get his side of the story, he’d just feels it’s an easier way out and cleaner for him and possibly her. It’s just a sad situation especially if he likes her. However long term there has to be the want to be together, if he hasn’t got this then maybe he needs to start again. If they’re hardly going to see each other and travelling up and down every weekend sounds hard work.

Sounds like you’re there for him to talk to which is lovely.

I was meant to add, they’re only 18 and at that age you’re not thinking about settling down, more about having fun in the moment.

neither are probably considering anything more than after the holiday.

just keep quiet on the relationship front, and be there to talk to.

hard to accept when other partners have been less than favourable. I am dreading this part in the future!!!!