DS breaking up with GF after trip

[Flutterflys]

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

IT WILL NOT BE A NICE EXPERIENCE FOR HER!

It will be forever tainted when she realises she's been taken advantage of.

It's not about whether teenagers should be together forever, it's about whether you should knowingly undertake an expensive and emotional trip with someone knowing you're going to dump them.

Twice I decided to dump boyfriends DURING the holiday, and I still felt bad about those last couple of days of deception. He's mad if he thinks he'll keep up the pretence all trip, she'll know something's up.

Genuinely surprised at the number of people basically saying that because OPs son and GF are young, they themselves must already know it's not going to last forever, it's just about having fun, not serious etc. I was 100% certain that I had met my future husband at 17, we split a year later ad I was devastated - he just moved on but I was heartbroken. When you're older it's easier to rationalise and make sense of it but first real relationship is often serious. In her position, I would just feel used - and of all of the emotions that a break-up can cause, for me that's one of the worst, especially if they are going to be sharing a room/bed. Realising that a long distance relationship isn't right for him, shows maturity, but the way he's handling it just feels wrong and unkind.

Exactly. Maybe she’s thinking along the same lines? Might as well go out with a bang.

OP, I hope you remind your son that if they do end up going on the trip together, he better make damn sure they are incredibly careful and ensure that she doesn't get pregnant. That could well scuttle all other plans for both of them.

Have to agree. The trip will be tainted and completely over shadowed in her memory by second guessing everything they did or experienced and his true feelings. Fine if she knew and accepted the situation, but not fine if she had no idea.
Isn't this exactly the pattern cheaters persue throughout their life. Stringing partners along without letting on their true intentions or feelings. The lack of insight into what this could do to her and dismissing her potential hurt so he can have a nice holiday at her expense, that would worry me as a parent.

'Just out of curiosity' he asked her if she thought they had a future. What bizarre phrasing and badly timed. You haven't done either of them any favour interfering in this today.

Her last exam is Friday and he's just sent her that. What an utter cock!!! Is he for real? Couldn't he have held off until say after she's finished, say 5pm on Friday? I mean trying to not only mess up her planned trip he's now potentially ruining her chances in her exams. I'd be furious if I was her. She's well rid I'd say.

This can't be real. No-one would send that message in exam week. What a dick.

But if she gave him her piggybank stuffed full of £10 notes her grandmas had been giving her for years, would you make him give it back? Or would you be reasonable or pragmatic and let him keep it?

I'd encourage him to try long long distance. He can then decide if it isnt working - at least he tried

Well, considering how utterly selfish and a user the son is, this does follow the pattern….

Chist, I would be so dissapointed if I had raised this kid…

...in the upgraded hotels she paid for. At least he'll being making sure she gets her money's worth! Nice.

No, people aren't lacking in comprehension or "banging on" about anything. They are voicing opinions, just like you are.

Whilst he can clearly cover (some of) his expenses, it's possible that she has friends who could do the same. Perhaps she'd prefer to find a friend who can join her. Or maybe even go alone. Or not at all. The point is, it's wrong of him to deceive her in order to benefit from her money and her body for a summer.

Why was he never going to spend forever with her? I know quite a few people who met very young and are still together.

My 2 sisters met their now husbands when they were young (one 16 and the other 18) and both have now been married over 40 years.

Two of my nieces also met their now husbands when they were 17. They are now 35 and 38 and still together.

Also have other relatives and friends with similar stories

This can't be real.

So the guy who was planning to wait all summer before he dumped her, now can't wait until she finishes her last exam on Friday before he drops this on her? What a fucking prince. He seems to enjoy playing games with people.

This.

Why mess with her exams? Poor girl.

This.

Why mess with her exams? Poor girl.
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I think he is being awful. That poor girl thinks she is ona nice holiday with her boyfriend, who all the while knows ipad is going to dump her

he should do the decent thing and split now, forgo his holiday and she takes someone else

however I do believe in Karma, and one day someone will do this to him, and I hope it horrible for him

God I would not have got involved with this at all. Why is your son talking to you about his girlfriend anyway, assuming this is real?

I can't relate that to anything that's been said.

Why the actual fuck has he messaged her that when she still has exams to do. I thought he sounded immature before but now he sounds like an absolutely manipulative twat. I hope she dumps him.

He has already planned the break up, he just hasn't bothered to tell her. He's looking forward to a nice holiday with a willing GF who has no idea what delights he has planned for her when they get back. I wonder how many of his friends know about it and are also laughing behind her back. If a relationship breaks up fair enough, planning it in advance to suit your convenience and sexual requirements is creepy beyond belief.

No one can tell you what your son is/isn't like, but speaking from the experience of being on the exact other side of this: he should end it or at least tell her he intends that they go their separate ways. If he ends it after the holiday, I can almost guarantee she won't have fond memories. Either:

1. She will have no idea that he was going to, and she will look back at every moment and doubt every feeling/instinct she had. As well as being heartbroken, she may also feel cheated.

1. She will anticipate that he's going to, and cling to the trip as a way to "convince him" not to. You shouldn't spend what should be a life-defining holiday trying to get someone to love you.

1. Very teeny tiny chance that she'll be on the same page. But I think the key thing here is age difference: it might only be her first or second serious relationship, and no one can know how they'll feel at university unless they're already there (like your son). Why would you plan a holiday together (esp. if it's just the two of you and not a group of friends) if you weren't planning on trying to stay together?

If he tells her before, it should be extremely clear to him by her reaction whether she'll be ok with it (i.e. whether she'll be number 3.) The very fact that he says "nothing she can say will change my mind" indicates that he doesn't think she'll be ok with it.

This is also a grown up lesson for him in honesty with his future partners. He's being quite paternalistic by holding back this information from her. As a mum this is a good chance to encourage him to be transparent. People's feelings over money. Especially if you "love" them.

This gives her the chance to use that trip to get over him, have fun, and make stupid teenager mistakes.

For context: I was in the exact same situation (guy was 2 years older, met him at the beginning of my gap year. At the end of it I was going to uni and he was going to do a post grad 2.5 hours apart by train. We planned a whole Interrailing trip and then he bailed on it & said he wasn't sure if we wanted to be together because we were going to be further apart. I had already bought my ticket so I went, very teenager-y and heartbroken, and had the best growth experience in getting over him and myself, and learning to enjoy spending time alone AND got better at meeting new random people along the way which was great for university!!!)

If my DS was planning to do this to his current girlfriend, I'd be absolutely disgusted with him.