DS breaking up with GF after trip

[Flutterflys]

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

My boyfriend and I were going on 1 last trip together because we were long distance and it was such a struggle.

that was 11 years ago 😂 and we are still together and bought a house together 7 years ago.

feelings change but you are best keeping out of it

I haven't read the full thread, only OP's posts and some replies. I'd be delighted if my son was as sensible as your ds is. He admits to loving her and enjoying her company but is willing to lose that for both of them to have the chance of finding someone they can spend more time with and has similar plans for the future.

I spent my first summer after college in Crete with my bf, we broke up the April after that when he cheated on me, it didn't tarnish my memories of a great summer away with him and we managed to co - exist in a small college course for the remaining years of our degree, and despite the cheating I compare my relationship with him to that of my current relationship, he was respectful and we were equals while we were together, it took me 20 years to find another like him(except for the cheating part!!)

He may officially be a teenager but he's an adult.

And as many people's feelings will be very intense, and genuinely believing they will be together long term. I certainly would not have booked such a long holiday with somebody I didn't take seriously, and I can't imagine many would.

After having a discussion with him ,you’re eff3ctively sitting by whilst she mulls over a text that hints at or instigates a discussion about breakup. Dear God , I had sympathy with your dilemma prior to this but you’ve presided over this ,knowing it’s before an important exam. How do you think this will affect her? I hope to god this last exam Friday isn’t proceeded by others and it’s only one exam she may flunk. You should have told him to be grown up,think of her ,be patient and wait til after her exams.
Other than that he needs to tell her before the holiday, though I’d guess she likely thinks she’s being dumped right now ,he could try and row it back. Don’t normally approve of lying but for the next couple of days it’s preferable , I’m sure her parents would agree. I’d prepare yourself for angry mum and dad on your doorstep.

Has your son ever given a moments thought to how his girlfriends might feel. All the discussion seems to be about him and what he wants.
Obviously she is going to be better off long term without him, but lets just hope not too much damage is done and she eventually realises not everyone is as self centered as this.
He should tell her and let her make an informed choice.

She's spending more money than him.

And, I didn't say it, but I always expected my 19yo to behave a lot better than when he was 6. But we all have different expectations of our children, I guess.

but she isn’t going to know he’s planning on breaking up is he. And to be honest what odds does it make if he does it now. Surely she will be just as gutted.

But she may be thinking exactly the same as him.

So many couples split up just before they go off to university for the same reasons, with loads travelling together beforehand or having a gap year together.

People assume one or both decided on the trip that it wouldn't work long term, but I bet loads had made their mind up before they went away.

The only difference with your son OP is that he was honest (or naive) enough to fess up to his mum!

Yeah, but so many people were saying it as the obvious choice I thought that I'd misread, as the OP said it was not refundable. They are teenagers, so I wouldn't think it easy to find someone else with the spare cash lying around.

Everyone here implying that he needs to make it up to her for dumping is probably WHY he doesn't want to break up. Because if he still wants to get his money's worth he'll be seen as the baddie.

But well done... as a result of all this meddling the DS has now done something even more stupid and messaged the girl during her exams!

Chrissakes.

Although.. my uni boyfriend was almost singlehandedly responsible for my First, the day he ditched me was my best exam result ever so maybe I have a warped view of these things.

I agree with you OP that your DS is doing something bad. At that age I was madly in love with my boyfriend, and would have been devestated by something like this. Just because she's young doesn't mean that her feelings aren't just as valid, or that her expectations for the future are less concrete. If anything, I really did expect to be with my boyfriend then forever. I'm way more cynical now in my 30s, I don't think I'd consider a 10 years relationship "forever".

healthy parent-child communication about life and relationships exists

MN: WHAT? WHY? STOP!!!

Some people actually like their parents when they're adults. I wouldn't call this "so involved". If a friend of yours was talking to you about being in this situation, and you were giving your perspective etc. that wouldn't be "so involved" would it?

Also @Puppers by money's worth I mean, him going on the trip instead of her.

Or maybe find another couple friend.

But also supporting her son to face the natural consequences of his actions. Good parenting!

I'm surprised at how many posters seem to think she's a sad pathetic victim who's going to be broken-hearted. Why assume this? She's obviously clever and motivated to succeed, and has a clear idea of what she wants to do. Maybe she's planning to end the relationship too. After all, she chose 2 London universities 3 months after meeting OP's DS, knowing it would put a significant distance between them. Maybe she's planning to have a final summer together before starting the next chapter of her life.

Gosh, you seem to be waaaay too involved in their relationship. Honestly, why did you even ask him about his plans with her going forward? Take each day as it comes. Respond to what you are presented with. Maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe she will. Maybe it's none of your business. They're teenagers, things will always change.

My DS's girlfriend is, imho, perfect and I hope they stay together forever, but I would never ask about their future or what will happen if.....I am delighted to welcome her for as long as it lasts. I act as if she is a permanent fixture because that is what I am presented with at the moment. If they split up, it is entirely none of my business, so I will enjoy her company for as long as she is in his life. I do not ask the what ifs and they whys and the wherefores.

Then why would a conversation about the future (after exams) do any harm?

Only reason to avoid it is if he doesn't think she'll be on the same page.

It’s a tough one but I think he js being realistic and pragmatic.
when/if mine went to uni I’d much rather they enjoy being at uni and work hard rather than have a gf or bf in another city

it will be a useful learning experience for him either way and hopefully they will have a great time.

i think you need to leave him to it, but if she has paid for more than half I think arrangements need to be made to square things up if they indeed do split up. So talk to him about that. And perhaps encourage him not to tell her that he’s decided on this course of action before leaving.

I hope the gf’s mother is not on here!

Wow bit extreme there 😂

He clearly loves her and doesn't want to lose her but is being realistic that it won't last, because it won't. Who the hell ends up together and stays together after dating in high school then going to different uni's for years? There's every chance she'd break his heart as much as he would break hers in that scenario, and neither would be at fault. It is what it is.

I think it's a lovely idea personally to backpack around Europe together, she'd be safe with him as a travel companion, they'd make lifelong memories and they might even fall even more deeply in love which'd take them through part of uni together.

But she may be thinking exactly the same as him.

And she very well might not. He certainly does think that's what she's thinking otherwise he wouldn't be worried about losing his holiday.

The only difference with your son OP is that he was honest (or naive) enough to fess up to his mum!

To his mum. Not to his girlfriend who's the one coughing up the most money and is the one going to be hurt. Oh yes. Very brave.

Who knows!? It's not my relationship so it's not for me to say. But I just think it's strange that this clearly bright and motivated girl is being cast as a heart-broken victim by default.

I hope the gf’s mother is not on here!

On the contrary, I hope she is. And she gives her daughter the heads up so her daughter can make her own decision instead of having a man make it for her.

So good to hear from so many women that a man knows what's best for his soon to be dumped girlfriend.

It’s not.

Where is the love part here exactly?
Is already thinking of dumping the person, AFTER, half-free vacation, lying, using them for sex etc, love to you?
Not to me.
I have no idea what has made so many here think that he loves her, or is even capable of love, nevermind that he ’clearly loves her’, where did anyone get that.
He is just your average user.

She’s replied to his message basically saying she doesn’t want to worry to much about the future right now, want to stay focused on her exam coming up, then she has prom in 2 weeks followed with the trip and they can figure out the future when they are back.
Maybe she is feeling the same after all

I think he is in the wrong if he felt like this when they planned the trip. If he now feels like this as the reality of her moving away has dawned on him then I don't think he would be doing her a favour to end it now as she'd lose her money and it would ruin the holiday.

They are young, anything might happen so they might as well enjoy their six weeks. I would expect him to pay his half though so he should work out how much more she has spent than him and pay half of that back so it is equal. Might take him ages but it would be the honourable thing to do.