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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To intervene in DS's relationship?

414 replies

AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 13/06/2023 12:07

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 13/06/2023 18:50

They are English and C of E. They don't actually go to church but their faith is extremely important to them.

Devout Christians but they don't go to church. And now they want to have a talk with your son about going past first base.

I think they should START going to church - will give them something to think about other than whether their daughter and her boyfriend are rounding second base.

diddl · 13/06/2023 18:56

Perhaps he was right to say that he'll think about it if otherwise it might have turned into a nasty row.

Hopefully he'll think about it & end the relationship.

If only because she is pissing him about with what is/isn't acceptable & blabbing to her mum about what they've done!

diddl · 13/06/2023 18:57

She doesn't seem to respect him at all.

Pansypotter123 · 13/06/2023 18:57

@AlyssaHasAChaaaaild

I find myself wishing for September when he can go back to Uni and immerse himself back into student life again. He's not a big party animal but has some friends and a couple of interests and I think he'll do even more if he isn't distracted

I hope he does just this!

Honeyroar · 13/06/2023 19:01

I think your son has been very respectful and open with his GF. There is absolutely no need to speak to her mum. Everything he has said to her makes perfect sense. It’s sad, but I think he should stand his ground, politely.1. Keep telling her he will understand and keep any of her boundaries without having to speak to her mother. And if she loved him she should see that what she’s asking is unfair and OTT.
It sounds like it might be a good thing if it fizzled out over this. It doesn’t sound like an easy family to marry into!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/06/2023 19:08

I suspect they won't survive this and I think she will be really upset and maybe confused

Maybe she will, but that's a journey she'll have to make herself if she wishes to

To borrow an old phrase, you (or in this case DS) don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially with risky fuel

Littlemissmagnet · 13/06/2023 19:13

Her mum sounds controlling 2bh. I grew up in a religious house, and absolutely no way would my Mum sit down at 20 and talk about sex with my long-term boyfriend nor with any of my siblings' other halves either! wholly inappropriate. Where does her interference stop if she's willing to interfere in that intimate matter. It won't let me tell you. Ask your DS what his reaction is to this? And let him lead the discussion 🙄

Orders76 · 13/06/2023 19:37

Bad idea.
But if it does end up happening, maybe ask him if you can go and mum might not be so mouthy if you're there.
Doesn't bode well for the maturity of the relationship...

Mummyratbag · 13/06/2023 19:56

I was thinking the same as some others, they get carried away and next thing the mother/GF decide that it was non consensual.

Other worry is that they end up married before they are ready because a) they want sex and see it's the only way b) they are pushed into it by the mother.

The mother is being abusive to both your son and his GF. However lovely she is I would want my son away from the situation (but unlike her mother I wouldn't be controlling - I may be pointing out life is too short for such drama though)

BadNomad · 13/06/2023 20:04

I don't think the mother will push them to get married. I think she's more scared of "losing" her daughter and being on her own, so she's trying to control the things that might cause that. She's testing how much control she has over everyone by requesting this meeting. If the son goes, then she knows she has control. If the son doesn't go, then she'll know he's a risk so she'll push her daughter into getting rid of him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/06/2023 20:59

BadNomad · 13/06/2023 20:04

I don't think the mother will push them to get married. I think she's more scared of "losing" her daughter and being on her own, so she's trying to control the things that might cause that. She's testing how much control she has over everyone by requesting this meeting. If the son goes, then she knows she has control. If the son doesn't go, then she'll know he's a risk so she'll push her daughter into getting rid of him.

An insightful post, BadNomad ...

coeurnoir · 13/06/2023 22:16

I met DH at 18 he was 20 - we had lots of future talks making sure we were on the same page long term and now - but what we didn't do was talk to our parents about our relationship - we met them were polite but it was none of their business beyond that.

My first husband and I were the classic couple who met at uni in our first weeks and married as soon as we graduated.

No way were we discussing our relationship and certainly not our sex life with either set of parents. Even at 18 it would have been a massive breach of privacy.

My son is 21 and has had a few girlfriends, but nothing serious. I can see him running a mile from a situation like this because it's not normal for his age group. It is controlling and even at 21 he would see enough red flags to not want to continue a relationship with someone who endorsed that level of batshittey, even from her own mother.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/06/2023 23:09

Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 12:15

I would hate for my dc to be in a relationship with someone who has no autonomy over their body or decisions concerning their own desires. At 20 it’s not for her mother to set ground rules however as daughter clearly seems to be going along with this I would urge your ds to seriously rethink this relationship as this will not be the last time that religion or her mother interfere with her life, decisions or choices.

This x1000

EasterIssland · 13/06/2023 23:22

I’d be worried as well as some posters have said that next time any affection happens they report him for abusing her for something she’s not consented. He can’t live walking on eggshells. Too young for that

ClaudiaWankleman · 14/06/2023 00:16

ThroughGraceAlone · 13/06/2023 17:35

I don't think you are right though. Through the ages sex came with the very real possibility of pregnancy. Through the ages women were the weaker sex ( when work was mainly physical or when we were hunter gatherers) and even later when she couldn't own property or make her won money (think victorian England) she was 'weaker' in terms of needing someone to provide for her. Why would she have sex outside of marriage? And by marriage I don't mean legally, like with the paper or in a church. Any way. In some cultures the act of sex signified the start of marriage. Although some of this is due to religion. Christian, muslim etc, most of it was just biology. Yeah sorry I still the the luxury of having sex outside of marriage was not common esp for women. Far more commen for men yes, ie in victorian England a man was 'expected' to sow wild oats. It wasn't frowned upon

Show quote history

What’s your point? Can you imagine a human history before Victorian England? Besides, the post I quoted (and the whole thread) is about men and women having sex outside of marriage, which has been acceptable in cultures the world over for millennia.

TaylorSwiftFan · 14/06/2023 00:42

This is so inappropriate. They are year old adults. It's weird that you know they have fooled around but not had sex. Even weirder that the other Mum not only knows but wants to discuss it!

poetryandwine · 14/06/2023 02:19

Your update from 17.13 yesterday is particularly concerning, OP. The GF and her mother sound weirdly enmeshed. If this were just about religion, the offer by your DS to back off now and respect the GF’s sexual boundaries would suffice.

I don’t understand how a C of E member can be super religious without attending church, but that is secondary. However the mother’s prohibition against visiting whilst at uni reinforces my belief that this is ultimately about maintaining the primacy of the mother-daughter relationship. I was not at all surprised to hear that there is no man (or second mum) in the family.

I feel sorry in that a husband and father was lost far too soon. But the mother has loosed the bounds of health and the GF and your DS are paying the price. Unless the GF sees this of her own accord there won’t be a good resolution. I am very sorry. Your DS sounds like a wonderful young man and I hope he will land on his feet.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/06/2023 07:58

TaylorSwiftFan · 14/06/2023 00:42

This is so inappropriate. They are year old adults. It's weird that you know they have fooled around but not had sex. Even weirder that the other Mum not only knows but wants to discuss it!

Yes, this is all so wrong. The mother is batshit.

There are 8 billion other people on earth. Your young son will have plenty of options for romantic partners. He really should move on ASAP.

Tulip2478 · 14/06/2023 08:04

Saltired · 13/06/2023 18:05

20 is old enough to recognise batshit behaviour. At what age can we start to blame people for their actions?

Show quote history

With respect that's easy to say when you haven't been brought up in a strict and controlling religion. Even if she is contemplating how crazy it all is its not as easy for her just to break free. She may be cast out by her family and community.

Saltired · 14/06/2023 09:56

Tulip2478 · 14/06/2023 08:04

With respect that's easy to say when you haven't been brought up in a strict and controlling religion. Even if she is contemplating how crazy it all is its not as easy for her just to break free. She may be cast out by her family and community.

Show quote history

She’s bloody Church of England, not exactly a controlling religion. I was brought up in a Christian household; my parents were against sex before marriage too. However I used my last balls to tell them to mind their own genitals and I’ll mind mine. Not exactly difficult. Had plenty of sex and still not married.

Daughter is batshit, just like her mother.

triforcetotem · 14/06/2023 10:43

ThroughGraceAlone · 13/06/2023 16:27

You all have to remember that you're coming from different baselines. As a religious person, her whole paradigm is different than yours. You can mock the religion and say its weird , but the mum is just doing what she feels right. Someone choosing to have sex before marriage is also a choice - and comes with 'rules' even if it is 'no rules'. Abstaining from sex before marriage is also legitimate and I find it very rude to say 'how could faith dictate their sex life'. Why not? You let certain certain hedonistic principles dictate your sex life? Why can't religion not dictate theirs? The mom is trying to do what she sees best for her daugther. I don't think she wrong, but I do think this relationship will probably not work long term. Your son (and you) are atheist and don't understand their faith. Which specifically calls upon parents to 'help' their children when they see them going off on the wrong path (for them). You're allowed to think its not okay to intervene in your sons relationship and what he does sexually, but equally is her mom allowed to decide.

People have used their religious beliefs to justify misogyny and homophobia and all sorts of things, and the believed they were doing the right thing. Doesn’t mean they were, and that they can’t be criticised or mocked, or that they didn’t cause real harm.

CeliaNorth · 14/06/2023 12:34

Jesus will hate her

I would ask where in the Scriptures or the teaching of the CofE are we told this. In my (long ago) religious education we were taught that Jesus loves us and God forgives us.

Pansypotter123 · 14/06/2023 15:28

@AlyssaHasAChaaaaild how are things today? I hope you and your son are ok.

Another thought has occurred to me. Could you suggest to your son that he runs some of the issues he's facing here past some of his friends (make and female)?

The response from his immediate peers might help to make his decision easier?

Original poster
AlyssaHasAChaaaaild · 14/06/2023 15:45

@Pansypotter123 thanks for checking in!

All is strangely calm and quiet. They start every day with a chat and this morning was fine because they are just avoiding the issue.

He's said he's going to ignore it for a few days at least and see if she thinks through what he said yesterday.

I've almost bitten my tongue through but am holding back hoping they can sort something out.

He doesnt have friends who he talks to about sensitive things, for that he goes to GF or me, he's quiet buttoned up on the whole.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 14/06/2023 17:34

He's at uni, so he will have access to Nightline which is a counselling service. It's run by students for students. They won't advise, but he would be able to talk things through. While I truly hope he's nowhere near suicidal, this has got to be affecting his mood. He will not be judged and it's all anonymous. Maybe make contact fast before they disband for the summer?