To intervene in DS's relationship?

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

Tell him to run! I don't think he'd resent it, I think he'd feel pleased someone has given him permission to acknowledge that it's insane!

If he has this convo with her mum, the MIL will control his entire future life.

I read this as “he is quite buttoned up on the hole”

that’s his girlfriends job, thanks to her mother.

gFs mother sounds bloody unhinged. Nutcase. Hope your son escapes.

I would go along with your DS and see what she has to say, reassure her if she is fearful and most importantly, make it clear that parents should take a step back when they're older. Mum-to-mum is less heavy on your DS if he really wants the relationship.

Why don’t you go with him and be his advocate. I think it’s probably quite a positive thing to do have open, honest and frank conversations. What’s the worse that could happen?

@Saltired All of your posts have really made me laugh x

For avoidance of doubt, I think it is wrong for your DS to have a conversation about sexual boundaries or ethics with his GF’s mother. This is all the more true given the mother’s
interference in the form of prohibiting visits whilst the couple are at university.

IF DS participates in the conversation, this unhinged woman will just be emboldened to interfere further.

I agree with this on balance.

She's only 40. If they have children in the next 10 years, there's going to be a controlling and interfering grandma around until grandchild is an adult. Potentially a great-grandma. That's a long time to fend off a batty in-law.

My exboyfriends father did something similar, whereby I was spending to much time with my boyfriend. I had NO idea there was an issue so I was blind sighted. It was a Sunday evening and the father and my boyfriend sat me down at the kitchen table (both facing me) and his father said I was spending too much time with my boyfriend and that my he wasn't getting any time with his mates, (I seen him on a Saturday night; if he wasn't going out with his mates, Sunday and maybe an odd night during the week) I'll never forget the feeling of shame and embarrassment, I was 18. I wish I had of had someone tell me this was wrong and unacceptable. I some how got manipulated into thinking I was in the wrong. We agreed to only meet on a sunday, and an odd night during the week.

I was mortified. Please advocate for your son! Her is wrong, and the girlfriend needs to tell her mum to butt out.

@Pinkbasketcase

My
Problem is exactly this - he is being manipulated into thinking he has done something wrong and therefore needs to be set straight.

Poor lad had such a grilling from me because I thought he must have done something wrong too, but i am now quite confident that he hasn't.

He's already feeling embarrassed, intimidated and defensive.

I do hear the posters suggesting that I go along with him, and what's the worst that could happen?

For me, the worst is that I would be condoning the idea that he needs to be lectured by GF mum when she thinks he has behaved badly. It's not right now and creates a dangerous precedent.

Tell her absolutely not! Where does she live The dark ages? Do not let him go there alone and make it clear that if she wants “ a talk” she has it with you! What a bully!

Wow!! What a crazy situation for your DS. I do feel his GF is being manipulated by her mum and she is manipulating your DS.

can you be very religious but not attend church?

It will work out one way or another ..my mum was the same at that age ..I chose my now husband of 35 yrs& 8 children later however we don't live close to my parents which they bitterly regret .They love him to bits now but at the time it was traumatic for me but love won out over religion.He did eventually stand up to her after hearing how she spoke to me re sex & her opinion of me .it was the first time I had stepped away from a close relationship with her which of course was natural .we were so young I am blessed he is of a very forgiving & caring nature .35 yrs later I now realise that my mum was probably mentally unwell although I did get married at 21 & had my first 5 beautiful children v quickly because when you are young you are invincible😉😍

Regardless of who is wrong or right I am sick to death of 'its their religion' or 'its their culture' being used as some kind of excuse for being overbearing, intrusive, toxic and frankly backward. I see it so much to excuse this kind of shit.

If this girl wants to have sex its her bloody choice, not her mum's, and who the hell is the mum to say her ADULT daughter can't have a sexual relationship or God forbid invite her boyfriend over.

It's madness. The mum needs to back off or risk alienating her daughter and irrecoverably damaging the relationship.

Meanwhile your son should consider whether he wants to be with someone and potentially marry someone who will always come with an unwanted extra and where the mum will probably end up seeming more like a third member of the relationship.

Your poor lad!! His feelings are normal and very valid, he needs to allow himself to express to his gf and if he wants, to the mother- while also telling her to mind her own! I understand religion is extremely important however, the mother is controlling behaviour to condition their relationship. I would highlight healthy relationships because this is very much toxic, especially if the gf's mother is heavily involved. If this is not assertive now, how does he feel about his future like this?! No doubt it will get worse.

You're right, if you do go along, you are in a sense condoning and giving permission for her to speak to him like he is behaving badly, when is actual fact they're both consensual adults.. this, I feel, is on the daughter NOT your son. Both need to evaluate their relationship on their own!

@AlyssaHasAChaaaaild

Since he's told her he wants to 'think about it', if I were you I'd encourage him to set up a meet-up or two with his mates in the next day or two to kick around a ball or do some gaming (or whatever it is they do). Not that they're going to talk about it, but to give him something to do AND to show him there is 'life after GF' if she (and her mum) decide to take a hard line.

Because it sounds to me as if Mum has drawn a hard line in the sand and GF isn't going to even try to cross over it. And in a way, I don't blame her as she's probably scared of the consequences. Chances are Mum's is her only home & source of financial support so I think uppermost in her mind is "Where will I go and how will I live if I defy her?". Not that it makes it right, of course.

Honestly, I think right now it's nothing about 'chastity' and much about control and showing DS his proper place in the relationship. First is GF's mum, then GF, then him.

I have two grown sons and I tell you now I'd be telling them that what GF's mum is demanding is way off the charts. And that I would be giving serious thought as to what the future might look like with this girl. I wouldn't offer to go with him as I think that would make me almost as, IDK, not as 'bad' as her, but still overstepping my place in an adult child's life. I think it would have made either of my son's feel like "Oh God, here comes Mummy running to the rescue" and neither of them would have liked that.

Poor DS. He should be having the time of his life, not having to figure out his boundaries with his GF's mother!

It sounds to me like the mother is used to getting her way and the daughter perhaps due to cultural differences does what she is told. The problem is if he caves on this the mil will think she can call the shots and where will it end? Will she try and exert control over their wedding, choice of place to live, how they name and raise any kids etc etc… He needs to think carefully about their future and setting boundaries

If he agrees with this stupid plan then he is basically agreeing to their always being a third person in their relationship who has be appeased obeyed and taken into every discussion. He needs to say to gf that he is now actually an adult and as such does not need her mother telling him what is appropriate or how to behave. Perhaps she too needs reminding that she is an adult and not a little girl and os entitled to live her life how she wants

I have a grown up son and I would be advising him - as tactfully and lovingly as I could - to run for the hills. This isn't about chastity or virtue. It's about power and control. There would always be not just three people in the relationship - DS, GF and her mum - but some strange concept of Jesus too, who let's face it, never paid much attention to people's sex lives when he was alive, except for telling a bunch of misogynist guys that they weren't too chaste themselves. The very idea of JC taking a prurient interest in a little light petting is - when you think about it - laughable. Except that in this case, it's having serious consequences. This almost cult-like version of Christianity would frighten me. (Read Megan Phelps-Roper's book Unfollow for an interesting perspective.) They are both quite young and inexperienced. But it's one thing to caution people to be careful and respectful of each other in that situation - quite another to ban all physical contact. DS should be having a good summer, not agonising over somebody else's unreasonable beliefs and demands. My only other piece of advice to you would be to make it absolutely clear that you support him, that he has no need to be intimidated or defensive - and that he has no need at all to appease the mother, given that he has done nothing wrong - but you're probably doing that already.

Are you sure they're C of E and not something else? Sounds awfully controlling and god fearing

Got to wonder how compatible they are really. I wonder if GF mum is going to suggest they get married? How long is a 20 year old going to want to be in a relationship with no physical intimacy? He is too young to settle. Then he's stuck with batshit in laws

Crikey, the mums younger than me and I don't think i could face the 'doing bits' chat with her myself. Mega cringe

The thought that jesus is watching is creepy AF

Jesus, you pervy dead spirit! Be gone

It's madness and he can do better. The GF needs therapy.

But if he does want to go ahead, could you invite GF & mum to your home? That way your son will feel safer, the mum will probably reign it in a bit, you'll be there to protect him and to debrief afterwards.

Please remind GF that every time she masturbates, God kills a kitten

(showing my internet age here)

Sounds like you need to play the mum at her own game & suggest that you & her sit down & discuss your children’s sex life or lack of.

I suspect that she will tell DS that he needs to marry GF if the relationship continues. I worry that your DS will be coerced into agreeing when he is much too young.

As nuts as it sounds I think you need to accompany him for this chat. I suspect GF or MM (Mad Mother) will object to you being there, which says it all really.

It's a really difficult one, but if you tell your son to run for the hills, it could push them together more. I wanted to tell my son the exact same with the girl he is with, but I don't want to push him away or fall out with him. As hard as it is, you just have to sometimes let them make mistakes, you've got to just be there for them. When I was young, my parents told me the exact same thing, I left home and went to live with him. If I wasn't told to get rid of him, I wouldn't have continued with the relationship probably anyway.

It's really tough, but think of the consequences of the relationship with you and your son if you push too hard.

Good luck.