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Original poster

Arguing on holiday

173 replies

holidayblues789 · 12/06/2023 11:54

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

OP posts:
Snowpaw · 12/06/2023 11:59

Holidays are hard at the best of times with a child that young. Its harder than being at home. Everyone is tired, the routine is different, your support systems aren't there, there is travel stress etc etc. Its not always fun.

But what you have described is not on. He is putting words in your mouth that you haven't said. He's pre-empting what you are going to say, but not actually listening to you and is effectively barricading you from actually having open communication with him. He has put you down and belittled you.

Get through the rest of the holiday as best you can - ensure each of you gets some down time / exercise / time to yourselves. Try and keep the routine for the baby. Have serious conversation when you get home.

Penguinsmum · 12/06/2023 12:20

It doesn't sound like he even likes you let alone loves you?

tryandtryagain · 12/06/2023 12:27

Penguinsmum · 12/06/2023 12:20

It doesn't sound like he even likes you let alone loves you?

There's no need for that. She already feels rubbish. OP im sorry you feel like this. It's hard when you feel you aren't listened too Flowers

Natty13 · 12/06/2023 12:28

When was the last time he said something nice to/about you?

Ask him this. "When was the last time you had anything nice to say about me?"

BridportSpectacular · 12/06/2023 12:31

Can you and your little one go and do something else for the day, like the beach on your own or a trip. So you can be with other people. Have dinner on your own as well if need be. Then hand him your child for tomorrow and you do your thing.

AmeIia · 12/06/2023 12:43

Is there any truth in his comments? Holidays are hard work with little ones and it's too easy to get snappy with each other. But what a total waste of money going away and it being spent like this!

Original poster
holidayblues789 · 12/06/2023 12:45

We're supposed to be going out today. I've just asked when we're going to which DP replied 'we're not going. What? Go and play happy families? Why would I want to do that?'

And in response to questions about saying nice things about me. It's been a while since nice things were said about me.

OP posts:
LegendsBeyond · 12/06/2023 12:47

That’s not a healthy relationship to be in. You deserve better. Don’t play his games. I’m sure you would cope perfectly well on your own. You don’t need him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/06/2023 12:51

He’s a patronising dick and he’s trying to neg you and put you down. Leave him.

AmeIia · 12/06/2023 12:59

Take yourself off for a day by yourself considering he doesn't want to play happy families. Or take your DC out. He's ruining everyone's holiday what a prick.

Motnight · 12/06/2023 13:09

Penguinsmum · 12/06/2023 12:20

It doesn't sound like he even likes you let alone loves you?

Unfortunately this is true. I am sorry Op, it seems very hard and as though you walk on eggshells all the time. None of his behaviour is nice or normal.

Ponoka7 · 12/06/2023 13:22

Your relationship is done. You'd be much happier ending things. He sounds at best emotionally abusive and this will destroy you and the Mother you could be. It would be interesting what he 'helped' with, was it just for you, or because you had so much to do because of having a one year old?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/06/2023 13:24

He sounds like a total prick OP, I’m sorry

planthelpadvice · 12/06/2023 13:31

People are assuming the OP is female and partner male, but OP doesn't specify (and I'm not sure it matters in this situation).

I agree with PP that holidays can be stressful and DH and I have had some quite big rows on holiday before. I think they get built up as a huge important thing, there's a lot of pressure on you both to have fun etc. As @Snowpaw says, they can be quite stressful and you are out of your comfort zone/routine.

That said, your communication as a couple is clearly not great, and some of the behaviour is quite unhealthy. But without knowing more all of these things could be interpreted differently. For example, their comments about 'why are you even with me' and 'how would you cope without me' - could be that they they don't feel that secure in the relationship and are seeking reassurance/testing you (not a healthy way to do it obviously), or maybe they are deliberately guilt tripping you, playing mind games and belittling you.

Is it true that you ask/need their help all the time? That could be quite exhausting and frustrating for them feeling like they have to look after you rather than you being equal partners. Or do they interfere with what you are doing to 'correct' - only their way is the right way? That's obviously controlling and overbearing.

Do you interrupt them a lot? Again, that would be annoying. Or is your partner DARVO-ing/gaslighting you when they say it's a taste of your own medicine?

I hope you manage to talk things through and the holiday improves.

RabbitsRock · 12/06/2023 13:34

So sorry OP. That makes for very uncomfortable reading so it must be a lot worse for you. I would find someone who treats you way way better than he does.

Original poster
holidayblues789 · 12/06/2023 18:08

@planthelpadvice
I didn't realise how much DP interrupts me until a friend told me a few weeks ago. She said 'your DP interrupts you constantly. It's really rude'. I didn't actually realise but now I see it all the time.

DP does do some things at home such as DIY, meter readings and takes the bins out and often complains that I don't do those things.

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 12/06/2023 18:14

Your dp sounds like a gasighting arse. Are you able to salvage the rest of your holiday by leaving them to it a bit, and having a lovely time with just you and your dc?

Original poster
holidayblues789 · 12/06/2023 19:43

@Newyeardietstartstomorrow
I'm not sure. We're still not talking. I said 'can we talk? I was trying to tell you how I feel and that I was feeling down about your comment'. The response was just 'no. What's the point. You obviously think I'm horrible'.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Whenever I say how I feel about something this happens.

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 12/06/2023 19:57

Go out with your DC for the day and have fun! Let DP see that you can do fine without him. Let him sulk - pay no attention to him when he does this!

DP is being very disrespectful of you. This must change immediately or your relationship is doomed. Pull him up briefly but firmly each time. STOP apologizing- he's the one who should be apologizing. He is walking all over you OP! Don't let him. It's a power thing. Don't give away your power.

Marchintospring · 12/06/2023 20:10

Number one stop grovelling. If you’re annoying him then let him be.
Your holiday and your son are more important.
Go and find something to do without him. Shows that you are quite capable on your own and also lets him process what he’s feeling.
Make sure he’s the one to broach the subject. Until then be prosaic. You’re somewhere new, explore enjoy.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/06/2023 20:11

Take your dc out for the day and try and make the most of your holiday with your dc. Your dh obviously isn't interested in talking or resolving anything so no point trying at the moment. Leave him to approach you but tbh he sounds pretty awful

KirstenBlest · 12/06/2023 20:13

Take DC out for the day. Bin DP.

PonyPatter44 · 12/06/2023 20:14

If you didn't have a child together, I'd think you were with my exH. This was EXACTLY how he used to behave, almost word for word.

When contempt enters a relationship, its over. He has contempt for you, so cut him loose. Start thinking of ways you could cope alone.

planthelpadvice · 12/06/2023 20:15

I agree, OP. You have tried to open up communication, they clearly aren't interested. It sounds from your updates like they are not very nice and quite manipulative.

I know it won't be easy but if you can, try and make the best of it and do some things with your DC.

TeenLifeMum · 12/06/2023 20:17

He upset you and you ended to apologising? That’s not normal. Tell dh your like to talk but for him to let you know when he’s ready and decided to grow up then don’t pander to his sulks.

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