Arguing on holiday

[holidayblues789]

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

I'd crack on and do the holiday with your DC, spend your days how you want to spend them and let him sulk. Don't ask him what's wrong, don't pander to it. Tell him that when he's ready to join you he is welcome, if he's happy to speak to you in a constructive and respectful way. He is in a pattern of punishing you for questioning him, not good.

If this isn't a blip, and he's like this at home to the point that people are commenting on it, then I'd say he is an arsehole OP, sorry. You do not want your child to be hearing you being spoken to like that for loads of reasons, so if he wants to continue with the relationship, then he needs to sort his shit out quick.

Listen to your friend. She has your best interests at heart.

Your h sounds like an immature thundercunt. He does the meter readings?? What, one minute's work twice a year?

Wow.

What about cooking, housework, everyday shit?

He sounds absolutely horrible, op. And you sound lovely - you deserve so much more.

On holiday, I'd say 'right. Let's each spend a day with LO then have a day to ourselves. That way the holiday isn't ruined. And we'll talk when we get home.' Make the most of the holiday, and really think what you want to happen with your life 💐

Stop apologising to him. You should be able to say something when he’s made you feel uncomfortable.
He needs to match your efforts to make this holiday enjoyable. Atm he isn’t.
I wouldn’t let it cloud my time away. Go out with your LO and have a good time.

He sounds absolutely viciously nasty.

That was not nice to read.

Have you family and friends?

Reach out for support because IMO you are being bullied, belittled and emotionally abused by a very nasty loser.

Get home safely.

It just makes the holiday experience uncomfortable. It's hard to enjoy it when it's like this. The baby has gone to bed and we're just here in silence, both on our phones.
I know at some Libby DP will say something, maybe tomorrow, to break the ice. It might be 'shall we go out somewhere?' Or 'oh look what they're doing over there' to start a conversation. But then what happened gets swept under the carpet.

I am financially fine. I run a successful business. But I am reliant in other ways. I'd struggling going through all the paperwork of buying and selling a house. I struggle with organising bills etc. which is why DP said I wouldn't survive on my own etc. we've been married 10 years.

That should say at some point*

If you run a successful business, you are perfectly capable of paying bills and even buying a house. You set up direct debits for the bills, and checklists for the house purchase. You don't have to buy into his narrative of you being some inadequate incompetent woman.

@PonyPatter44
That's how I feel so much of the time. The constant comments
'Seriously, how would you even cope without me?'
'Do you really think you'd be able to run a house by yourself?'
'How did you even manage before you met me?'

'How do you get by in life?'

I suspect he has lead you to believe that you wouldn't be able to cope with bills and paperwork but actually, you would definitely be able to do this by yourself. It sounds like you have at least one good mate, and they would help you. Women's Aid can also support you with this. There's no reason why you can't.

no you wouldn’t! You run a successful business so would be absolutely fine. Even if you needed help then that’s what financial advisors and mortgage brokers are for. Don’t put up with an awful man who grinds you down for such a small reason. In fact, his constant picking at you is the reason you feel so incapable. Once you leave him, you’ll be amazed how much you realise you can do .
it also sounds like he’s having an affair. He provoked a fight so he could go off on holiday- probably to contact OW. I know at least 2 men who’ve behaved like that.

This is a horrible strategy from him! Putting you down and making you doubt yourself so you are tied to him and won't leave him. Making you doubt your own abilities.

He sounds very contemptuous of/towards you. I’m wondering if he might have already left the relationship in his head? Some men can get like this. I think you should start prioritising yourself and ignoring him, perhaps really take stock of his behaviour and consider if this relationship can be saved or do you even want it to be saved? I’m really sorry he’s doing this, it’s absolutely not okay.

Sounds lots like my STBXH.

Like a PP has said, once they start with this awful contemptuous bile it’s not redeemable.

Grey rock him for the rest of the holiday, do what you can, calmly, to enjoy the rest of it. Don’t bother with the apologising or trying to placate. There’s no logic.

Start thinking about how to split. You’ll be ACE when you’re alone.

He's spent a decade getting you to believe you're incompetent and somehow defective, eroding your self esteem to the point where you don't feel you could leave him.

It's a recognised tactic OP, it's not true.

He's trying to make you feel like you are reliant on him rather than choosing him.

You are not. You run successful businesses - you are a competent, independent, secure woman.

If he wasn't there to do things you find tough (eg managing bills) you would either work out how to do it yourself or find someone who can help you with that. That's what you do when it's a business matter, right? You either acquire the skills yourself or work with someone who has those skills.

If you want to leave him you can. What do you want?

When he says things like that I would say to him. "I choose to be with you, I don't need to be with you". And just say that. Don't get into a negotiation about it. Leave him with that knowledge of your own strength.

I think when you get home and the dust has settled you should suggest couples counselling.

I must say I agree with this, my ex did this (amongst other abusive rubbish) and after a while it gets in your head and you believe it. That negative voice in your head becomes their voice all the time. In the end when I eventually did leave it was tough the first few months but I soon got into my stride and thankfully I’ve had three lovely years in my own home without him making my life miserable.

You can absolutely survive on your own, ignore him when he says you can’t. He’s beating you down so you’ll be grateful he’s still with you and more likely to put up with current and further abuse. Do not be fooled by him, this is a common tactic!

@Lachimolala
Because things have been difficult over the last few months, I did tell DP the other week that I was struggling with us being together because we don't seem happy or well connected.
DP was quite upset and sort of said that it would feel awful to have shared custody of DC and that because I earn a lot more, DP would struggle a bit financially.
Then DP said 'I don't want us to break up. I do want us to stay together and bring up DC together'. But when I ask 'what makes you want to stay with me?' There isn't anything like 'I love you. I care about you' or anything like that.

I didn't mean to sound harsh in my comment. You sound like a lovely person who deserves a lot better.

You earn a lot more than dh?? So who's the more competent one?

He's a horrible negging git.

It’s very easy to organise a mortgage

All you do is contact a mortgage broker, answer their questions and send them a few bits of documentation which I definitely think you are capable of doing

He is punishing you with his silence! Why not ask how long he intends on keeping this up?

Does he help out with the baby at all? Was he always like this?

He has an inferiority complex

Also tell him if he is going to act like a toddler then you will treat him like one!

pathetic man child - you need to
find your anger

I had an abusive ex who ruined every holiday or weekend away with this kind of drama and sulking and it was exhausting!

you couldn’t pay bills??? Of course you can! Have you followed your child’s immunisation schedule? Did you attend medical appointments and arrange childcare for your child when pregnant/afterwards? If you can do any of that you can go on Go Compare and choose the cheapest gas supplier! It’s a doddle and he’s using these things to manipulate you and dull you sparkle!

Your friend has very gently perhaps started to point this out to you but I’m sure she’s noticed a lot more.

are you abroad? If in the UK I’d wait until he was out and return home with your things. You do t have to st
ay
and suffer his abusive silent treatment.

also when he attempts to start talking tomorrow tell him not to bother until he apologises as you’ve had enough and bring him back round to your earlier conversation about separating.

it sounds like the only reason he doesn’t want to separate though is that he lives off you financially if he care about your child he wouldn’t speak to their mother like he is.

think about that and think about leaving him sooner rather than later, he appears toxic for you

He’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re useless. I absolutely promise that you’d be fine.

For the rest of the holiday plan your days with your DC as if he’s not going to join in with anything. If you want to take the higher ground then tell him what you’re up to, but TBH after that “happy families” comment you’d be justified in just going.

Sounds to me as if he knows he’d be a bit fucked without you and yet he still can’t bring himself to be pleasant. Not a good sign. I’d take the time on holiday doing your own thing to prove to yourself that you can manage fine without him and seriously consider what you want to do. Your DC is young for such a short time, it would be such a shame to let him spoil all these precious times with his nasty bullying ways.

Agree.

He's emotionally abusive and manipulative, deliberately shutting down any reasonable conversation to get his own way and paint himself as the good guy/victim here. He's not either of those, he's a bully.

Agree again.