Arguing on holiday

[holidayblues789]

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

Okay, well, honestly, I can assure you that when the day today, reality of dealing with a one-year-old is spelt out to him not to mention trying to navigate the court system. He will give up. You can also record with your health visitor. The fact that he made a jokey comment along those lines when you were pregnant and a few months ago, get somebody to write it down.

I know nobody wants this shit in their lives. They really really don’t but there are ways to manage it and you do have to weigh up what life would be like for you with him versus without him.

The alternative which is not popular and it will get shouted down is it basically you do carry on living in the same house as him but you have separate lives you and the little girl have an amazing time out of the house as much as you possibly can and leave dick head to fester. you go on holiday with your child just dont Take him. I did that in the years leading up to our divorce. Told him things like the house needs repainting so you do that and I’ll get the kids out of the way. It seems like a ridiculous length of time, but actually 10 years will fly by, and as soon as your daughter is able to express a preference. All of the court stuff just becomes irrelevant.

Someone asked it you were in a same sex relationship.

I don't think it matters about the treatment. How you are being treated is abusive whether my male or female. They are trying to make you feel inferior and alone

Was this happening before the baby?, and are you the Birth mother or she?

I do think you are abdicating a bit though. You come across like you don’t want to be on this holiday with him. But when he asks you about that, you respond by flipping it back on him. Which makes him cross. Which you then need him to apologise for. I mean it does seem like he is always in the wrong. It has the dynamics of parents and teenagers about it.

Maybe when he asks if you want to be on the holiday with him respond with honesty not a passive aggressive comment. He accurately guessed what you were feeling ( not unexpectedly after 10 years of marriage) so maybe concede he had it right and face up to the fact you don’t want to be on holiday with him.

Do you actually feel you are in danger from him? Or is it more about breaking up the family home and custody. Does your need to have the DC full time override the fact this is a really unpleasant relationship for them to grow up with. Pretty much everyone who grew up in these families that stayed together wishes their parents divorced.

Sorry just realised you said you were pregnant and therefore birth mother. This may well be why she made those comments as she knows you will have more rights.

I would seek legal advice, If you can't afford a consultation, usually around £250 you could speak to CAB sometimes they have solicitors willing to provide free advice. Find out what your rights are and the process.

Op's DP is not a man. Pls check her recent updates.

It’s emotional abuse. He shuts you down and makes you doubt yourself.

Apologies, I’ve just seen that you’re in a same sex relationship to be honest with you that will work even more in your favour then. Women get treated like absolute shit by the family court. At the moment there does seem to be a agenda that the men’s must be allowed contact with their children whether it’s right for the child or not. You’ll be in a cracking position. In front of a white middle-class judge who has absolutely no understanding of what’s going on here you’ll be fine.

OP's DP is a woman.

Ok it’s a woman. That probably makes my point more valid.

No more compaining about each other.
It is not worth it; it solves nothing.

Both be your best selves for the reemainder of the holiday - even if that means you go out separately and promise to yourself that you will only say uplifting comments about your day and ignore (and not hold onto) anything hurtful.

Once home seek counselling. A professional needs to teach you how to communicate with respect.

You might think too much water has passed under the bridge - that there is little hope - but the skill of polite and uplifting communication will always be useful.

I’ve changed the pronouns.

I do think you are abdicating a bit though. You come across like you don’t want to be on this holiday with her. But when she asks you about that, you respond by flipping it back on her. Which makes her cross. Which you then need her to apologise for that. I mean it does seem like she is always in the wrong. It has the dynamics of parents and teenagers about it.

Maybe when she asks if you want to be on the holiday with her respond with honesty not a passive aggressive comment. She accurately guessed what you were feeling ( not unexpectedly after 10 years of marriage) so maybe concede she had it right and face up to the fact you don’t want to be on holiday with them.

Do you actually feel you are in danger from her? Or is it more about breaking up the family home and custody. Does your need to have the DC full time override the fact this is a really unpleasant relationship for them to grow up with. Pretty much everyone who grew up in these families that stayed together wishes their parents divorced.

I’m so sorry OP. You sound like a very nice person and I can totally understand your feelings about your baby and not wanting to share custody. But from what you are describing this is domestic abuse. It sounds like your DP is very insecure for whatever reason and is taking her issues out on you. It is an absolute classic trait of an abuser to put partners down verbally, try and alienate them from friends and family by telling them negative things put doubt in those relationships, threaten suicide or self harm when things aren’t going ‘their way’, threaten to go for custody of children, give the silent treatment, manipulate conversations to make it seem like you are the bad guy and they are the victims (gaslighting). It all has the purpose of making you feel worthless and shit and trapped in the relationship.

When you get home I would confide in a trusted person. Perhaps speak to women’s aid or another domestic abuse charity for advice. Maybe speak to your GP of this is causing you to feel any stress at all. And it doesn’t matter at all that your DP is a woman. I would give exactly the same advice.

Her behaviour is not normal. It is normal with a one year old to get snappy with each other but this goes way beyond that. You and your child deserve better. You deserve happiness. So, try and make the best of what is left of your holiday. Stop engaging with her if she gets angry. She is doing it to get attention from you and to get you to pander to her. Do your own thing and seek support as soon as you can.

I made it clear in my post why I asked.

That saying how you interrupt but in fact it has been noted by others that actually she continually interrupts you is what I eventually discovered us called projection. Abusers do that to cover what they themselves are doing, and tell others that in fact it is you that does it to deflect from their behaviour. Wish I'd known that before, that when they accuse you of doing something they are actually telling you what they are doing. So 'you don't want to be on holiday with me' translates to I don't want to be on holiday with you. They tell others who don't really know you to poison their minds against you
Abusers so often spoil what should be special or important to you times, holidays, birthdays, celebrations, graduations, or sabotage important meetings, keeping you up, engineering arguments so it looks as if you don't care.
No couples counseling, please. And as for those who say that you must have said something to provoke, well there are some people who could start am argument in the middle of the Sahare desert. And it is quite possible yp tango on your own, if you are assertive enough x

Ok I absolutely think you need to put your child first. Above everything you can not let them grow up in this environment. You may think that because your DC is young they won’t be affected but they absolutely will, and potentially significantly.

Overall this behaviour/ family dynamic is not normal. Everyone has spats but nothing like this, in my experience.

I get that you don’t want to be separated from your DC but honestly, unless you genuinely think your DP is going to hurt the DC wouldn’t this be better for everyone? Most importantly your DC?

If you do think they’re in danger then yes, document every “incident” especially physical ones, and then fight for only supervised access.

But this has got to stop, for your DC’s sake and I don’t think your DP is going to change so you have got to be the bigger/ better person and make a change.

Wow why are you jumping down my throat? I am only here to help and support the op hopefully like you... no need to be shirty.... or at least re phrase your posts so they don't come across as shirty

They all say they'll go for 50-50. It's the last ditch tool to keep you in your place. Does he care equally for the child at the moment? Does he have the money to provide a decent home for the child? Start logging the outbursts and abusive incidents, especially when they take place in front of your child. But I would be willing to bet it will never end up 50/50. He doesn't love your child, he doesn't want to look after them, she's just a tool to control you with to him.

He can tell you the sky is green a thousand times but it doesn’t mean it’s true. Same applies when he tells you you’re hopeless - that doesn’t make it true either.

If you can run a business, you can fill in mortgage paperwork etc.

Kick this one into touch - he sounds like an ARSE.

Why on earth do you put up with this?!

When are you actually happy? Is there good times?

Did you carry the baby? I’m not sure how these things work - so no offence intended

Is she jealous?

I remember some of your other threads about your relationship. I’m sorry I know you don’t want them brought up but it shows a definite pattern of behaviour. Your DP is not a nice person and is abusing you and gaslighting you. She is knocking your confidence constantly.

Please start looking into leaving her.

I hope you're okay OP. Like a lot of people have already said, you're more than capable of going it alone - paying bills, the mortgage, everything. But if you do stay, I think couples counseling would really help so that your DP can understand how damaging her behaviour is and to help with communication. If DP isn't even open to that then it sounds like you would be better off without her.

@holidayblues789

If you're the poster I think you are, on a previous thread you were told that your DP is trying to isolate you from your family and friends. She's emotionally abusive and trying to make you feel 'no one else will have me' so you stay with her. 'Victims' are hard to find and harder to 'train' and abusers go to great lengths to keep one once they have found her (or him).

You need to separate. You say you 'can't bear' not to see DD every day, but you are keeping her in an unhealthy home environment just to satisfy your own need. That's not really fair to her is it? She will be much better off with you in a happy, calm home even if she does have to spend some of her time with her other mother, assuming that she can also provide a safe and caring environment. You will adjust, thousands of divorced parents have before you, and thousands will after you.

I suggest you see a solicitor. They will be best placed to tell you how they think residence and access normally 'works' where you live.