Arguing on holiday

[holidayblues789]

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

What a prick.

Time to show him you can do just fine on your own.

There you have it - he is terrified you will break up with him as his gravy train will end. So he is eroding your confidence bit by but. Making it so you feel you can’t cope without him. Negging is a very accurate way to describe it. I’d get counselling for yourself only - to build up your confidence again. You deserve way better.

Why are people assuming the dp is a bloke? When people go to great lengths to hide the sexes, it's usually a same sex couple. Always baffles me, like they're ashamed of it or something.

OP your partner holds you in contempt. It's game over

Your dp resents you earning more than him, and so is on a power trip to put you in your place. Leave him. You’ll be fine without him.

Going against the grain here, but there's no way I'd be spending my holiday going out alone with a one year old while he lazed about in the hotel or did whatever else he pleased. Talk about rewarding bad behaviour. He'll be pulling the same stunt everytime he wants some child free time. The whole business about you being unable to cope screams of a guy who doesn't want to do his share, and so is trying to shame you into doing 'independence'. Don't fall for it.
If you (understandably) don't want his company any more I'd besplitting the child care between you so you get some time alone and space to reflect on your future.

Everyone assuming DP is male

Thank you!

Having a small child puts such a strain on relationships and holidays can be quite stressful.

I know mumsnetters will probably say he's abusive, leave him, it will only get worse etc. But it could be a really bad patch. I have a husband who takes all criticism personally and gets very upset/defensive. I won't stop having my voice heard but I do chose my moment/words.

I just hope you're ok and can enjoy some of your time away.

There it is then.
He's trying to make you feel like you need him because you really don't!
You're the higher earner.
You have a successful business.
You would be more than fine without him, actually happier.
He is worried that you will realise that.

Yet again I'm the bad guy!

OP said this in her post, maybe that's why posters are thinking partner is male?

Quote from member of NCT class:

Going away with a one year old is not a holiday

Yes holidays with a baby are stressful. I remember a holiday with a 14 month old where we managed a couple of little walks and slept in shifts as the baby was teething and barely slept. And tempers were frayed. But I mean being slightly snappy and a bit grumpy.

Constant commentary about how you wouldnt cope alone sound like he is deliberately trying to knock your confidence, so that you're too scared to leave to be honest. You run a successful business and sounds like you do most home stuff and child related stuff. You're already proving that you can cope fine alone, and he has realised this and wants to hold you back. Constantly talking over you is a more subtle way to show who is boss. And because he realises he has no leg to stand on, he goes mad whenever you try and raise it. Of course in a healthy relationship you should be able to tell a partner how you feel, and your partner should listen and reflect on their own behaviour, instead of using aggression and sarcasm to avoid their own behaviour.

His behaviour is bordering on abusive. Even if you are being slightly annoying and asking him to do things you could easily do yourself...he could say 'I find it frustrating when you ask things like that, can you give it a go first and only ask me if you're genuinely struggling please' instead of insulting you.

Honestly it's not 'relationship' issues as that implies there is something that both of you could do differently. It's all him and you need to decide if you want your daughter to grow up showing her dad grind her mum down with constant criticism. Get out while you've still got some confidence left

I had an ex exactly like this.

Immature, can't communicate, can't ever take any criticism. Any attempt to just talk ending in "you always make me out as the bad guy".

Incapable of any kind of compromise or adult conversation. Whenever I think of the past with rose tinted glasses memories of this make me so happy he's an ex. It's like a brick wall completely and just "me me me" rather than seeing you as a team & wanting to work on your relationship together.

Omg this is exactly how my ex was talking to me just before he walked out on me at 8 months pregnant and blamed me (I just said 'I'm still upset about what you said to me at the weekend about me not trying hard enough to manage my anxiety I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can')

This is not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated this way. Please confide in a friend - it's not disloyal, you need a perspective from someone who cares for you. He's trying to convince you you're awful and it's all your fault due to his own issues

Agreed

Ps omg it was exactly the same with Me re the house paperwork btw, I was left to do it all and then blamed for being stressed out by it!!! Honestly there is no hope for him I'm so sorry but he's just like my ex

He's literally told you the only reasons he's still in the relationship. Put him in the bin

He knows well that he needs you and your income, far more than you need him.

His whole survival is caught up in grinding you down and repeating the lie that you need him.

You don't.

He is scum and those around you likely know.

He is using and abusing you, and soon that poor child will be witness to his poison.

For the sake of your child, reach out for support and tell the truth.

You are being abused and need to get away.

Desperate scum like him that need you to fund them, while treating you with contempt, will absolutely try to persuade you that your toxic relationship still has legs,....... it doesn't.

Reach out for support and get out of that toxic marriage.

You deserve so much better.

I'm sorry Op. That was hard to read but it's your reality.
He's ground your confidence and self esteem down so much that you can't see the wood for the trees
He's made you think you can't cope without him, but actually you're his gravy train and I think it's the other way round
Don't bend over backwards to appease him... He gets a kick out of seeing it and you've done nothing to apologise for.
I promise you this, you would not only manage without DP you would thrive without their millstone around your neck
You and DC deserve better

He has asked you why are you with him. Why are you with him? He doesn’t treat you with respect. He puts you down. He ignores you. He cancels plans without consulting you. He interrupts you.
you CAN do things without him.

I think I would be suspicious there is something else going on in his life and he doesn't really want to be on this holiday.

You don’t need someone like this in your life, continually undermining you and making you feel bad. Tell him it’s over and you’ll be fine on your own

This.

You earn a lot more than him, so he has to bring you down a peg or two (or ten!), constantly, because he feels inferior.

I really hope you realise his motives for dragging you down, eroding your self-esteem are purely because HE knows damn fine he'd be a lot worse off without you.

I think you do realise, deep down. He's basically admitted he's with you because he'd be worse off financially ffs. And he's really worried you'll realise, 'shit, why am I with this utter loser that puts me down all the time?'. So to keep you from 'seeing the light' the only thing he can do is keep treading all over you.

If you run your own business, surely that means you also deal with the business bills and tax returns, or employ an accountant to do that for you. Dealing with a mortgage and household bills is the same if not easier.

He sounds quite abusive. Putting you down and breaking down your confidence constantly makes you think you can't cope without him. Sounds like he wants you to not be able to manage without him.