Arguing on holiday

[holidayblues789]

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

Yes, this is a Walking on Eggshells situation.
Also you are on holiday, which should be enjoyable. Your DH is following the other script of ruining all planned pleasures eg Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc.
There are only two options here. Leave or stay.

Life doesn't have to be this hard OP. If you break up it'll be painful for a bit, but then you're free. If you stay together you'll have a lifetime of irritation interspersed with small pockets of 'ok'.

Both are hard. You need to choose your hard, as they say.

Have a think back to all the events or occasions you've been looking forward to and how many he has ruined with his moods or you've been upset or sad by his moods by the time the event rolls around so you can't enjoy it? Were you especially looking forward to this holiday - if this was your baby's first holiday for example?

I only saw that about my ex after I left.

Any family event of mine, any work event anything nice I was looking forward to, a row was always engineered. It got to the point i would avoid accepting invites or pretending I didn't want to go to hopefully avoid rows. And the less I went to the more isolated I became from my friends and family. It's classic abuse.

Only read your posts OP and just reading them makes my stomach knot up. Can't imagine what it must be like living with that much hostility from someone who is supposed to be your person.

Please chuck him out. You don't need to sell your house right now. Bills are a pain but they can be simplified and sorted - Direct Debits set up, and you're away for a year at a time minimum in most cases. You can take the bins out. You can absolutely manage.

What you can't do is let this horrible, miserable, abusive dynamic carry on playing out in front of your child. They deserve so much better. YOU deserve better. You can provide your child with a calm, loving home with a happy, capable mother. It is not on you to worry about your husband's finances. Fuck him frankly. He is mean and horrible to you. And he will be the same to your child in due course, because he's an inadequate who gets his self-esteem from putting other people down.

Imagine your child, grown up, describing this holiday with their partner to you. Feel the anger and indignation boiling up inside you. And then act on it.

Unfortunately because you've only put his side of the conversation it's hard to judge because he's clearly replying to something said or done or not done by you

Sorry op, that sounds awful. If it were me, I'd get through the holiday best you can, go out lots by yourself and try to have fun. Then when you get home you need a big conversation, about the future together. Try to take the emotions out of it if you can, just ask him honestly what he wants as neither of you seem happy. Go from his reaction to decide what's best for you. Good luck.

Thank you for your replies. For those saying about only hearing the side of the conversation I'm telling. The other night when I said DP was really angry. I was say on the bed, I was calm. I was asking 'what do you mean? I don't understand what it is you're referring to?' DP was so angry, banging on the bed saying 'I will kill myself in a minute! Do you want me to jump off the balcony?!'

I said 'why on Earth are you saying that? What's going on? Will you just please calm down'.

Today DP started saying something else upsetting, swearing and pushed me out of the way. When I said 'don't push me'. DP said 'I didn't push you, I moved you'.

When I told DP ' you're really speaking to me in disrespectful ways and I'm not sure if you think I'll carry on tolerating it but I won't'. I then also said 'and you haven't even apologised for the other night when you went mad'.

DP's response was 'what for? I have nothing to be sorry for'.

And we are married. For those asking.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this. Not to armchair diagnose someone (although I am about to do that) he does sound like an abusive narcissist. I know that word gets thrown about a lot, but after suffering in relationships with men like this before there are a lot of red flags. I relate to being in this situation and all I can say is it feels so much better when you’re free of this BS. Life is too short and these people don’t change.

OP, your update has given me shivers. You are in danger. Pls do not live with this man anymore. Pls move out or at least temporarily move in with a good friend, family or even if you can check in at a cheap hostel or airbnb. Your husband is abusive and he will destroy your sanity soon, if you don't escape quickly.

He’s a gaslighting bully with temper issues. Nothing you’ve said makes him sound like a good partner. The “what would you do without me” comments are meant to put you in your place and to question exactly that, how would you ever cope without him. But I suspect you’d cope more than fine! Especially since you have your own income. Something worth considering - your life without him would be much more peaceful for you and your DC.

Going against the grain but after reading all your posts Op ( rather than the comments) it really sounds like he’s feeling like the “trapped wife”. I think he’s just in it now for the DC and safety of your money and the lifestyle.

If he’s not saying he loves or appreciates you, especially when asked then he doesn’t does he. Clearly he’s not actually enjoying being with you and doesn’t have respect for you. His comment about jumping of the balcony doesn’t sound like an attempt to blackmail you into staying. He didn’t say anything like that. To me it sounded like frustration. I don’t think either of you communicate effectively ( telling someone you have no idea what they’re talking about when they’re upset is really dismissive). He just hasn’t got the balls to end it.

It’s always tough ending something you’ve invested so much in it but one of you should. Maybe suggest a trial separation without getting divorced. That way you can have separate households and see how life feels apart. No one gets to shag anyone else, normal rules of marriage still apply. After two years apart you can divorce really easily.

It's not just holiday that he's like this is it?

@Marchintospring
I wasn't being dismissive. I know it sounds like that. DP kept saying things that just didn't make sense. So kept saying 'you think I hate you'. 'You tell me every single day that you think I hate you. You don't want to be here with me. You think I hate you. I can't take this anymore. Don't you dare say anything. You think I hate you'. It was manic behaviour that literally just erupted because I said 'rather than tell me that I don't want to be on this holiday. Can you think about if you want to be on this holiday rather than trying to tell me what I am thinking'.

Then I get the 'oh you think you're so perfect don't you. You never put a foot wrong do you. You're so perfect and I'm just a stupid shit cunt aren't I?'

So it doesn't make sense sometimes. I wasn't being dismissive. I just didn't know what to say or do. And I didn't know what DP was going to do next.

@pinkfondu
Nope. It does happen almost every holiday. But this also is something that happens at home as well.

Was he like this before the kids?

And I know everyone is saying leave and 'protect your DC' but DP would also have joint contact. And has made it very clear if we separate this will be 50/50 contact with DC. which just really breaks my heart. I can't bear the thought of not being with her every day. I really can't. I can't have 3 or 4 days a week of not seeing her. I really don't know what to do.

There is no way he would cope with 50/50. Poor you, it’s sound draining.

How old is the baby? He won’t necessarily get 50-50 just because he asks for it. For a start he’ll need to have accommodation that the court deems acceptable. Secondly, even if you don’t breastfeed, just say you breastfeed. Thirdly, most of them lose interest. He’ll meet somebody else probably have a baby with her and he won’t be bothered about yours.

@pinkfondu
Yes. In all kinds of situations. If it's a happy occasion or we're going to a party, if it's my relatives birthday (always mine, never theirs) then there would be arguments or an eruption of anger.

When a close family member of mine was dying, I was sat with them and DP chose this as the moment to come in and start arguing (again out of nowhere) saying 'when we got married how come you didn't .....'. I said 'this isn't relevant now. What on Earth has made you bring this up now?'

Then when I got home would say to me 'you know when all your family were in the waiting room tonight (in intensive care) they were looking at you as if they don't like you. They kept giving you weird looks'. When I said 'I'll phone them and speak to them about it'. DP's response was 'no no don't do that. I'll deal with it. I don't want you getting stressed out'.

It's stuff like that. That's one example. But there's probably a thousand.

If a friend gets me a present or says something nice to me about me being a good friend, I'll tell DP and the response will be 'god, what's up with them? They usually treat you like shit! Shame they dont treat you better if they think you're such a good person. They're probably after something'.

I am mad at myself that I've stayed in this situation so long.
This sort of behaviour started really early on. So I don't get why I stayed.

Is your spouse a woman? I ask because I don't know if that makes a difference with access if you're the birth mother and your wife is not named on the birth certificate. Also sounds like s/he would mainly want the contact to piss you off because they seem quite willing to storm off and leave you literally holding the baby, suggesting the baby isn't a priority for them.

@3BSHKATS
DC is 1.
I can 100% say DP will not just leave DC and move on. I can say that with 100% confidence. If anything I can imagine DP trying to discredit me in some way to get the majority contact. That's probably me just thinking worse case scenario (although DP did threaten this in a 'jokey' way when I was pregnant and again a few months ago).

You don't get why you stayed, did you say you've been together 10yrs?

Two questions;

Can you live like this?

Do you want to teach your children this is how they should behave/what they should accept in a relationship?

@RichardsGear

She is a woman. And the only reason I didn't want to say that from the beginning is because many people see it differently when it's a same sex couple. Also I don't want to be identified by other previous posts where I have used other names.

If anyone does recognise me from other posts, I'd really appreciate if you did not upload links to those posts. It's happened to me on here before, and I just felt really ashamed.
And obviously worried then of someone I know recognising me on here which would just be horrendous for me.

I apologise for misgendering your DP. But my advice remains the same. I won't change even one word of it, except the pronouns.

"OP, your update has given me shivers. You are in danger. Pls do not live with this woman anymore. Pls move out or at least temporarily move in with a good friend, family or even if you can check in at a cheap hostel or airbnb. Your wife is abusive and she will destroy your sanity soon, if you don't escape quickly."

You deserve better.