Arguing on holiday

[holidayblues789]

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

It's dreadful to.be put down like that. Of course you'd manage on your own so don't pay any attention to him. Just because he says the words, it doesn't make them true. All you can do is tell him that you don't like being interrupted and the put downs must stop. They are unnecessary comments that can only hurt. If there are jobs he'd rather share, he can tell you that. If there are jobs you'd rather share, tell him. Otherwise, as long as both parties are doing their bit, that should be enough. Sulking like this is not on, very childish. Go out and have a wonderful day and show him that you can manage just fine and if he wants to spoil his own day, that's a pity but entirely his own decision.

Absolutely not to couples counselling. Never do this with an abusive, manipulative man. Have individual counselling yourself instead with a therapist who understands the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

There was a tv show years ago where a marriage counsellor said once contempt had entered a relationship there was no way to salvage it. Please get out, don’t let your baby grow up hearing your P speak to you like this.

I wonder if there is a lot coming out right now - holiday isn’t as relaxing as either hoped/looked forward to. The reality of parenting is really hitting home. This has cost a lot and you both aren’t enjoying it. I think holidays can be a time when built up resentment comes out. It could be a chance to clear the air and be honest with each other. But it’s hard with a young child around and upsetting. You could try ‘we are both having a tough time what can we do about it’.

He might be a total dick or he could be struggling and unhappy. Prob both?! Hope today is better OP.

Today it was as if nothing happened. DP was relatively normal. Then this evening, we went for a meal.
DP said 'let's go somewhere quiet' as it's quite busy here. I said 'do you fancy going for a walk or back to the room or somewhere else?'

DP said 'I don't want to go for a walk or back to the room'. So I asked 'what do you want to do then?'

This angered DP who then said 'right, let's just go back to the room!'

Then back at the room it's all 'you clearly wanted to come back up here, that's why you said it. You don't even want to be on this holiday with me. You said I made you feel like shit'

I didn't say that. I didn't say I wanted to come back to the room. I was making suggestions. I didn't say DP made me feel like shit.
DP is now fuming. I mean really angry and has now gone silent.

I have to say things like this happen almost every holiday. I can't remember a holiday where this sort of thing hasn't happened. Apart from one.

You can't do right for doing wrong op. Take a book and sit on the balcony (if you have one), get a glass of wine and sit and read.

Then go and do something fun with your dc, even if it's okay by the pool. Carry on as normal but just don't involve him. He's going to sulk and throw a tantrum whatever you do, so you might as well try and enjoy the rest of your break as best you can.

When you get home start putting things in place to leave him

When I saw the thread title I was thinking we sometimes bicker on holiday, especially with little kids as it often isn’t relaxing and we’re out of routine etc.

but this is something else. He is gaslighting you and coercively controlling you.

you ARE capable of managing on your own and actually life will probably be a damn sight easier and less stressful.

Sorry you're going through this, he sounds jealous of you quite frankly, and insecure in himself so has to belittle you to feel better.

You don't have to put up with it. I would book another room and enjoy the holiday as best you can.

Hi OP

I left an abusive marriage two years ago. This is EXACTLY how it started.
Ignored, spoken over, interrupted, would leave the room whilst I was mid sentence. Sniping and name calling/put downs, particularly on days out or when things were going well and then pretending everything was great, leaving you feeling crazy for being low. A constant, aching sense of being disrespected and worthless, even though you can’t quite put your finger on why. Never being able to do anything “right” I
have had holidays identical to this.
Have a read of the Refuge site and you’ll see it’s a pattern of behaviour as old as the hills.
When you get home, give Refuge a call and start making a plan to leave.

I'm sorry to hear he is just the same today
How many days do you have left?
All I can suggest is concentrate on what you want to do. Don't involve him or try to appease him
It's just another opportunity for him to bully you

Just seen your update OP. This is absolutely no way to live. He could start an argument in an empty room. Please leave, no matter what obstacles are in the way, your life will be infinitely better than getting the silent treatment for having a completely normal conversation.

Be incisive , OP.
He’s headfucking you.
First thing tomorrow morning book into another hotel.
Ask to be seated away from him on the plane.
Dump him as soon as you get home.
Don’t look back.

Leave this abusive fucker as soon as you can. He doesn't deserve a wife or family.

This is no way to live OP. It doesn't have to be like this. How dare he not properly apologise, and then you are the one apologising while he continues to be moody and horrible? What a nasty excuse of a man.

I had 8 long miserable years of this OP, I wish I'd left long before.

Echoing other posters with experience - once this sort of rot takes hold, things never get better. How many months/years of your life you waste trying unsuccessfully to get him to see you and treat you well are up to you OP. I'm sorry.

Sounds as if the major concern of his if you separate is being 'financially worse off'. That's not a good sign.

He says you're incompetent, etc in order to make you feel you can't do without him. Considering his comment about finances I'd say he's being deliberately manipulative. You run a successful business. You're obviously a smart cookie who is capable of a great deal once she sets her mind to it!

The way we are on holidays often shows us our relationships in microcosm. We 'can't get away from each other' so the cracks and faults are more apparent, whereas at home our lives are busier and we spend more time apart so we don't see the flaws so often. I think you need to take a good look at your relationship in total and decide if he actually adds anything to your life. Chances are he adds very little. Then decide what your life without him and his negativity would be. Chances are it would be calm, less stressful, and much more positive.

I agree with the others. When you get home, go see a solicitor.

Start putting things in place to divorce and leave him. You'll manage 'without him' - despite his sneering, gaslighting words.

You out-earn him and believe me, you'll be fine once you escape from a twat who puts you down every time you open your mouth.

You sound lovely, btw.

I'm not. I'd be calmly saying to him at this point 'I am done with you and the way you speak to me. Yes. You are the cunt and you need not worry how I'll cope without you, because frankly I'll be happier. You've played your silly little games for the last time and I will be filing for divorce once we get home. I have nothing more to say'.

He may have worn you down and chipped away at your confidence but I promise you are stronger than you realise. You don't have to put up with this.
You run a successful business. You managed before him. You can manage without him. It may not be easy at first. But it will be easier than you think because you'll be happier. Less worn and stressed. This kind of behaviour is exhausting, and you don't realise exactly how much until you get away from it.

Do not let him guilt you about money or access to DC. He is abusing you and you do NOT have to put up with it.

It's hard to make that first step, and the next one. But you find that each step gets successively easier.

DP does do some things at home such as DIY, meter readings and takes the bins out and often complains that I don't do those things.

As a solo mum I've done all of those myself, and still do.

He sounds awful OP, sorry.

I would go out the day with your child and leave him on his own.

Sounds like you need counselling, there's two sides of the story and it sounds like he has some issues too. From your side, he sounds like an asshole! But benefit of the doubt and all that.

I agree. He sounds horrible.

You are the mother of his child but it appears he doesn’t even respect you. He has contempt.

Think carefully how you want to live the rest of your life. Does he really make you happy?

OP, is your DP a man? Pls confirm. I don't want to misgender.

he is gaslighting you. You will cope fine without him (you did before you met him). I think it is him that won’t cope without you and he knows it so he’s undermining you.