Arguing on holiday

[holidayblues789]

I feel really crappy.
Our relationship hasn't been great lately which we've spoken about. We've come away on holiday with our 1 year old DC.
DP has made a couple of snide comments here and there which I've just ignored.
This morning another comment was made which was quite small but I just felt really low.

We went for breakfast and DP asked me a couple of times what's wrong. I said that I am feeling a little down after the comment. (One comment was that DP said 'I always have to help you with things because you can't do things by yourself' - DP often says 'how would you cope without me? You really can't do anything by yourself. I do everything'.
Or when DP interrupts me when we're with others and I say quietly 'oh I was just saying something then'
DP's reply is 'yes well now you've had a taste of your own medicine' or 'it serves you right')

DP stormed off back to the room.
I followed a few minutes later and apologised for upsetting DP and I don't want us to fall out.

DP's response was
'oh well now I'll hear that I don't care about you, and I don't love you and how terrible I am as a person. Well I'm not a bad person. I am not justifying myself to you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I'm going!' And went out.
Since then I've tried talking to DP and all I'm getting is 'what's the point in talking when all you'll say is I've said something to make you feel down! Yet again I'm the bad guy! Once again I'm a horrible cunt to you aren't I? If I'm so bad why are you with me?'

God knows how long this will go on for. I really wish I'd just not said a word.

Leave him. He’s poisonous. And who gives a shit if he’d struggle financially? It’ll serve him right. He’s trying to abuse you to the point you’re broken, to keep you low down and ‘in your place’.

Leave him. He sounds exactly like my abusive ex.
Once you’ve stopped caring, his behaviour will lose its power over you. He’s a thoroughly nasty piece of work. It’s not you - you sound lovely.
Whatever you do or say, he will twist it and try to start an argument or diatribe against you.
It’s a horrible way to live and not a good atmosphere for your child to grow up in. I left when mine was 2.5 and it took a long time to undo the damage done to both of us.
Get your ducks in a row and get rid. If the house is yours, kick him out. Thank the goddess you aren’t married.

and that because I earn a lot more, DP would struggle a bit financially

And there it is, this is the real reason. All this talk about how you couldn’t cope without him is projection, because he can’t cope without your money and he’s jealous that you out earn him. I would bet my life on it. Its all about his poor little male ego.

Life is too short for his childish behaviour.
What positives does he bring to your relationship?
He sounds petulant, exhausting, childish, and a basic twat (only not as useful).
Time to go your separate ways, you'll be 💯 happier I can guarantee it.
See a solicitor when you get home.

Oh OP. It's over.

When I think of my DP of 10 years the first things I think are that I love him - him as a person. He's funny and interesting and vulnerable sometimes and generous and kind. He's gorgeous and the nicest man I know and he listens and he's a great hugger!

HIM. Not his money, his effort or his parenthood. Your DP is just sticking around to avoid the effort. He's using you imo.

Please go out without him.

My ex gave me a whole load of ‘how will you cope without me’ when I said it was over. Said I couldn’t manage the kids alone and he couldn’t afford to ‘pay for two houses’. Gosh it was hard to be respectable and not laugh in his face. He thought that doing some housework (usually after being ask 200 times) and a few basic parenting acts meant he was doing so much for ‘me’. Since leaving I’m far far better off financially - something I had long worked out before telling him I was going. He actually realised I wouldn’t be there to fix his terrible money management anymore and was already trying to build a story about how poor he was because he now had to pay out for all of his ex’s new household bills. Which of course is bs, but I refused to be responsible or feel guilty for his situation anymore.

the op keeps disappearing when the argument has cooled down sadly I’m afraid she’ll be back to this thread sooner than she thinks

he won’t change - gawd how can people put up with such misery!!!

When these losers go on at women "how will you cope without me?" it is actually the exact opposite and they are concerned how THEY will cope without their workhorse/ATM/housing provider.

These losers are only ever concerned about themselves.

This is not a healthy relationship. Why does his feelings trump yours? Why can't he take responsibility for how you feel with his shameful words? Is he always like this? This looks very much like emotional abuse.

That's OK. It can take awhile to reach full awareness, and find the resources to do something about it. She'll get there in her own time, but every post confirming her feelings are valid is a step along the way.

Sending OP all the strength and hope in the world to do this and get away from this truly appalling man

He knows he has the psychological power over you. He is grinding you down. I wish you could get the strength now to assert yourself and see yourself as the powerful capable woman you are. That would scare the hell out of him.

He's making you miserable as a way of getting you to end the relationship so he doesn't appear to be the bad guy and he's jealous that you earn more.
How long do you have left on holiday?

OP take your child out just you and them, leave this prick at the hotel.

Jesus Christ OP. I can only echo what others have said - your DP is an abusive, gaslighting, immature bastard.

My DP has traits like this - any criticism, or suggestion, is met by 'oh I suppose I beat you up do I', or similar, but I've now hardened myself and just tell him to do one when he starts with that crap. It's based on massive insecurity, and nothing to do with what you or I do.

With this kind of grinding down of your self esteem it's hard to know when the time has come to call it quits. Well, let me tell you - that time is now!

You need to separate, it sounds toxic, it would be unfair to raise your child in that sort of relationship. You do sound perfectly capable of managing by yourself, despite the put-downs from your partner. Your current status sounds overwhelmingly miserable and anxious. You can have a much happier life, you deserve a much happier life.

When you've got a partner who has become contemptuous of you, it's really time to sort out the process of leaving, because it will never get better.

He openly shows contempt towards you and it could stem from him being jealous of your success, particularly that his lifestyle as it is, comes mainly from your income, or he could be a common garden-variety abusive asshole.

He is literally inventing a script things you never said or even were thinking of, and arguing back at his own words, but blaming you every time - that's... insane behaviour. You are an adult, so you can at least articulate it, but in a year or two, he'll pull that shit on your toddler. Look at your baby and have a good hard think about how you are going to feel the day you see your baby as his target. Imagine that little confused hurt face, wondering how they hurt daddy and made him mad, trying to figure out how to fix it, or learning to say sorry to a man who invents offences... I think you already know what you need to do.

You will cope without him. You run a successful business FFS. You only believe you can't cope because he's told you often enough. And yeah, if you do leave there's any number of boards on here that you can ask how to do anything and get some excellent advice!

OP my ex (daughters father) was exactly as you described, coupled with the silent treatment for days on end too and not even acknowledging my existence.
Every birthday, holiday, Christmas, mother's day was always ruined spectacularly by the same behaviour but pinned onto me as my fault.
The last holiday we had was utterly horrific.
It took me a while to realise but it was emotional abuse and this is too - it does progressively get worse.
This man does not have good points, he is good at masking what he is - that is simply it.
Find that strength inside you and leave him, for a better life for you and your child.
I remember the day I moved into my new home with DD4, I took her to the local park and watching her run around freely and squealing overcame me with emotion and I just sobbed, they were happy tears because I felt free, free of that feeling of constantly walking on eggshells.
I promise you, I know it is hard - but you will be so thankful to yourself you gave yourself a chance at a better life.
He's toxic and sadly men like this NEVER change.

Presumably because you're doing everything else? Is he an active parent to his child?

Do you work? Do you both own your home?

Would a friend/estate agent/solicitor help you with that?

Sounds like you'd be better off without him. What does he bring to your relationship?

Wow! He’s a dick. He doesn’t want to be with you but doesn’t want the financial burden of you breaking up. He can’t bring himself to be nice to you because he’s seething with resentment. When you get home, take all your paperwork to a solicitor and get everything in place to divorce him. Next time he says “I don’t know how you’d cope without me” say, “Watch and learn, Buddy!” and slap the paperwork across his chest.

So you're basically a meal ticket? At least you're not married. Do you own your home together/?

He sounds very much like my narcissist ex husband. I couldn't say or do anything right it would be twisted and thrown back at me.

It doesn't get better.

OP I would say also that if you do gather the courage to go, get on the relationship and separation/ divorce boards for tonnes of practical and emotional support. No-one knows how to navigate this or any other process until they have to but there are professionals and experienced laymen out there to help. I've bought and sold four houses alone but I still rely on my mortgage broker and solicitor to remind me of the finer points of the process. Under no circumstances listen to ANYTHING your (ex)H says about what would happen re money, residency of child or anything else. He sounds like exact the type to try and scare you and intimidate you with his "superior knowledge".