AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

Some amusing sleep deprivation Top Trumps going on on this thread.

Out of interest, NHS advice is that on average adults need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night.

Not saying that's possible for everyone (in fact I wouldn't be surprised if it was out of reach for many), but I'm pointing it out because it seems to be at odds with what some pps think is sufficient sleep.

I would say it is very unusual for a grown adult to need8 hours every night

Sleep needs vary widely. But it is very rare that anyone sleeps well every single night. Even people who consider themselves great sleepers and rarely experience insomnia just don't have a perfect night's asleep every single night.

The key difference is that "good" sleepers simply shrug off the odd bad night. They may feel tired the following day but they don't dwell on it and they certainly don't start adjusting their schedules by going to bed hours earlier to "catch up" (and subsequently worrying that they're not falling asleep, effectively pushing sleep further away).

There is usually both a physiological and a psychological aspect to chronic insomnia. This visceral fear of sleeplessness fuels the anxiety-insomnia cycle. And this holds true for people with circadian rhythm issues as well.

But does the NHS say that if you miss that for one day you will not be able to function for 2? The OP is talking about one offs, she isn't talking about being expected to get 6 hours sleep on a every night. She is talking about one night with six hours sleep meaning that she is unpleasant, exhausted, headachey etc I don't understand why people are normalising that? I don't know anyone whose life revolves around getting the perfect 8 hours or they will be in no fit state to function, that would turn down work opportunities because for 2 days they would have to get up earlier? It is really extreme for someone that has no disabilities.

i used to be like that pre-kids, i physically couldnt function on less than 7hrs.. headaches, brain fog, migraines, nausea, was horrendous.

Then i had kids, one of whom had extremely disordered sleep to the point i HAD to learn to function sleep deprived on sometimes as little as 2 hrs sleep.

16 years on, i average about 5hrs sleep a night, and thats a GOOD night for me, i can function on 2.5-3hrs if i have to.

Mmmmm, i could of wrote this, partly.
Am very with you re am not a morning person, prefer to arrange everything after 11am.
My friends, family all know never to ask me to do anything early morning, i do have health issues for this.
My work cycle is ALWAYS afternoons.
But, ive recently been on holiday and had to be at the airport for 6am ,1 hours drive away so collected to go to the airport at 4.45 for a just in case something happens on the way.
It took me a week to get myself into the mode, i went to bed an hour earlier then 1.5 hours ect, i didnt sleep first few nights but having a busy job feeling sick (which is how it takes me) i managed fine.
I would do same for the work thing, after all its only a few days.
I do think your being a tiny bit precious, although i totally get it, only you knows your self so work with it.

You are being unreasonable but I can understand why. Speaking as someone who experienced insomnia for years, I do sympathise...to a point. The thing is, your body does not need any help whatsoever in falling asleep. It absolutely knows what to do. No amount of whale music or relaxing baths will help because you're not addressing the underlying cause of your insomnia. What is going on in your life that's worrying you? A relationship? A job issue? Money worries? Unless you look at what's happening in the daytime, you'll still be unsettled at night.

Try not to put insomnia on a pedestal. It's a nuisance, nothing more. It's not your whole identity.

So, take the early train. Go on the morning flight, do the conference. You might feel rough but what's the alternative? Live half a life hoping you're going to feel OK? Bedtime shouldn't be a battle and it needn't be either. It seems you're at risk of isolating yourself, compromising friendships and losing opportunities because of your anxiety around sleep and to be honest that might get worse if you don't fully address it.

I hope you can get your situation sorted.

Have you tried melatonin at night and a wake up light in the morning. The morning light has helped me a lot as i have delayed phase sleep disorder which means i don't produce my melatonin at the right time.

I’ve never heard of this before. It could be my issue with not being able to sleep until 2 or 3 am, then waking up between 10-11 am. It would be awesome to be asleep by 10-11 pm and wake up earlier in the morning. I’m going to look into this, for sure.

I think YABU. For one off occasions have some caffeine and get on with it, you can't really expect to go anywhere for the day without getting up before 10:30. Have you ever had a newborn? No sleep isn't nice but all of us have to do it sometimes. I understand everyday, but it seems like you have solved that.

I don’t think anyone’s suggesting it be normalised, but at the same time people whose sleep patterns are out of sync with social norms experience a lot of othering and reductive one-size-fits all assumptions - some of the replies on this thread are perfect examples - and I don’t see why that should be acceptable either. I don’t see why people can’t accept that people are different and that some people have valid physical reasons why they are not easily able to wake and sleep at the times society dictates.

Also unhelpful imho (in response to a few other pps) are assumptions that insomnia is emotionally based/evidence of a psychological issue. It’s not always the case.

I am going to go against the flow here and say you do you.
You go freelance because you want to do what suits you best, and I applaud you for that. I would never go back to the 9 til 5 (which invariably is not the case if you're in a position of responsibility) work/life tumble dryer.

If you have an important client who is your main source of income, I guess you may have to be flexible, but really, expecting you to stay with your parents doesn't seem acceptable business practice to me.

As for your friend, I'd say you're not the one being inflexible and selfish. Just because she thinks travelling together is vital doesn't make it so.

Hopefully you know why you feel as you do health-wise and have had this checked out, but that doesn't mean you have to go back to that old work/life tumble dryer if what you do suits you. Too many people out there living their lives the way other people think they should be.

Have you ever checked out Spoon Theory btw? Also good for sharing to enlighten the ignorant if it applies.

How did it all pan out in the end, OP?