AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

I would ask for a referral to a mental health for insomnia,

An atypical body clock is not a mental health issue, it's down to how the brain is hardwired.

An atypical body clock is not a mental health issue, it's down to how the brain is hardwired

Is that scientifically sound? Are brains “hardwired”? It does sound a bit like psycho-babble.

its a bit of both.

Its part of natural brain development in teenagers for their circadian rhythm to shift into being a little delayed, its why there is all the research/calls for school to start later.

Most people grow out of it and their CR returns to sync up with dusk/dawn in adulthood, but about 16% of the population maintain that later naturally occurring delayed CR.

Its also extremely common in people with ADHD.

YABU I have a diagnosed illness which makes results in severe sleeping difficulties. You need to work with your doctor until you find the right medications that will help you manage this.

Yes for the most part, you should arrange your life to accommodate your difficulties, but not to the extent that you cannot accommodate planned one off situations.

Your friend is being unreasonable. As long as you’re happy to travel alone and are not insisting they take the more expensive flight, you’re doing nothing wrong. With regards to the conference I think you should just go, stay with your parents and accept there will be times you will just have to feel terrible. There are clearly some benefits to you and it’s not worth alienating a client.

This article sets out the differences really well imo.

How interesting, thanks! That definitely describes me, and now I’m retired I wonder how on earth I used to manage.

Some work nights I’d look at the clock and think “hardly worth me going to bed now for 3 hours’ sleep” and stay up all night, work the next day (barely noticing or remembering I’d had no sleep), then go to bed at a more “normal” time that night and sleep really well.

We have someone in the office who gets terrible brain fog after they've been up more than 10 hours and is ravenously hungry at the 11 hour mark, then gets really tired and ready for bed by 8pm. (14 hour mark) She thinks it's a menopause thing.

We didn't think she was safe to travel home like that and she was clearly struggling in the office so asked her if we could do anything to help.

She said finishing at 4, so now she works 7:30 - 4pm and everything's fine.

We also have someone who works part time hours with 6 hour days, people who work from home and take their lunch at school pick up time, people who do compressed hours to reduce childcare costs, people who start later so they can do school drop off, someone who does longer than usual hours, a job share, and lots of people on various flexi routines. We have a contractor who won't put his camera on in meetings, and one who prefers face to face unless there's a good reason.

It's in the business's interests to flex with all of this. So we do.

It sounds extreme but I get it as my husband is like this. He can't limit his life entirely so does have to get up early for things like school runs and some meetings, but the reason he is self employed his because he doesn't think he could hold down an employed role for this reason. The migraines as a result of his sleep issues are excruciating and long lasting.

In your position I would adapt the sake of the work (if work from that client is important) but not for the sake of a flight. You could always say you have spoken to your parents and while night one is OK, they have other visitors for night two so could they pay for a hotel for that night. That's if it's multiple nights.

You cannot expect other people to accommodate your preferences all of the time. There will be instances such as hospital appointments, work commitments etc where you will have to find a way of managing your sleep issues. If sleep clinics and drs can’t find a physical problem - maybe it’s a mental health issue? Maybe see a psychiatrist?

The only thing the OP does “wrong” is go to bed at 22.00 when she knows she won’t sleep until 03.00. IMO she should stay up, reading or whatever, until she feels sleepy, and only then go to bed. She needs to reset her brain so that bed is where she goes to sleep, not somewhere she lies awake for 5 hours, wishing she could sleep. @ksglag

There are very few appointments that can’t be rescheduled to later in the day.

There will be instances such as hospital appointments, work commitments etc where you will have to find a way of managing your sleep issues.

Ha. I've missed exams, interviews, important scans, surgeries, intercontinental flights, and was late for my own wedding.

We don’t all function the same way. Some of us are indeed different. You are not lazy, clearly you work and support yourself. I’d get my thyroid checked if you haven’t already but if people refuse to understand or accommodate you, it’s kinda their problem not yours. I’m sure you would be considerate if the circumstances were reversed. We’re not robots or workhorses but there’s a lot of brainwashing about how we should be. You seem to be working around your condition, not letting it stop you which is a great thing. You just carry on doing you and don’t mind about what other people think.

What a patronising comment. Are you assuming that OP is 18, freshly left home, never worked, never had any responsibilities? I'm sure OP knows very well what everyday adult life entails, hence her efforts to formulate a lifestyle that works for her and allows her to meet her commitments. People with conditions, illnesses and disabilities do indeed struggle very much with the things you mentioned. I'm sure they're painfully aware of them.

This sounds like a disability, even if not recognised as such. Imagine the replies in regards to something medically classified as one. There is so much we don’t understand about the brain yet others speak so confidently about what OP should do.

I’m shit at less sleep. Like, really shit.

However for things like flights or one off events, I’d just suck it up.

This is exactly what I’m seeing.

For those who “have no choice” this video shows the origins of how everyone got into this mindset (watch the first 30 mins if anything)

Here’s the video, forgot to add it!

@MavisMcMinty I'm in my 60's and have dealt with this for my entire adult life. Sleep scheduling has made the condition manageable and greatly improved my quality of life. While I go to sleep later than most people (rarely before 1:30 am) I get a solid block of sleep and time spent in bed = time asleep.

Spending over half the day in bed trying to get 7-8 hours of broken sleep does perpetuate insomnia and also results in poor quality sleep. If you can consolidate your sleep your whole life doesn't have to revolve around it - bliss!

So if the OP is interested that is one avenue to pursue. A sleep specialist can help you find the "sweet spot" and learn how to achieve a restful night's sleep (albeit much "later" than what many consider "normal").

Are you unreasonable to want to manage your life in a way that suits you? No, not really. Are you unreasonable for others to put themselves out by happily working around you? Yes, very!
The plane choice is unreasonable. Would you consider paying the difference for all? From what you've said I can't begin to imagine how you intend to holiday with other 'normal'people if you're so rigid. Thank goodness there's 2 of them as you might find them going off together without you. I hope you're not sharing a bedroom!
Re work. Freelance sounds ideal however the workshop is tricky. You've been offered a free work shop and have accepted. Why would you think someone would be putting you up if they're not your employer and aren't paying for your time? You need to commute or source your own accomodation....or apologise and decline ASAP.

Don’t ever have children!

Just re-read the title of this thread, and read it two ways.

1. You’re annoying friends etc with you sleep problems.
2. you’re friends are annoying you because they don’t understand your sleep problems.

The point is the friends all agreed to the holiday knowing OP’s habits.

No one forced them.

They are now trying to force a change to the arrangements and OP is rightly saying no.

No one is stopping the friends from getting an earlier flight without OP.

@Lacucuracha yes, I'll give you that re the holiday. Friends should know her habits and one has holidayed with her before. I guess if they've agreed to the shared holiday it shouldn't be a shock really.

Surely that doesn't account for why the OP feels so bad for days if she doesn't sleep in until whatever time though? My sleep isn't the best, I'm never asleep before 1:30 and term time I am up at half 6 5 days a week, now the kids are on their summer break it's more like 7:30 and that is broken sleep, I wake multiple times a night for no reason. I still function though. I would say it is very unusual for a grown adult to need 8 hours every night to the point where you would willingly pass on one-off work opportunities for instance with no diagnosed condition? The OP clearly needs to visit her GP or someone because what she is describing isn't just oh I can't get to sleep until late.