AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

Speaking as someone with DSPS your post is a little puzzling to me. You're acknowledging the existence of DSPS as a condition, so within this context surely what you frame as an obsessive need to wake up a certain time is actually nothing more complex than the need for a decent night's sleep?? That's how it works for me, at any rate.

that is how my nights go, 9 times out of 10. It's a combination of stress and menopause.

I thought you were going to be coming at us with 2 hours of sleep or something.

But. You can live your life as a freelancer and with your friends how you like. If they don't want that they can go without you or find new freelancers.

As a former insomnia sufferer, I understand. People who haven't experienced precarious ability to sleep offering advice like 'just go to bed earlier!' have no idea. You are right to hold this boundary when you can, as the consequences of messing with your sleep pattern are so awful for you. Holiday friend is being very unreasonable - you aren't stopping her getting her cheap flight. I would be very clear that this is non-negotiable for you re flight, and for the holiday as a whole. Re client, you might decide to accommodate them this one time but only if you want to do the course, if the early start is the only option, and if their business is important to you. But as it is clearly a major quality of life issue for you, make it clear that this is an exception.

Honestly? You remind me if someone who I used to work with. Stated they couldn’t ‘do’ mornings. Professional job but some flexibility. It wasn’t agreed she could do this but by default we all ended up covering the mornings for her. When the clocks changed ref BST she still came in just as late. No one would manage it. She was manipulative in other interactions too. I left and moved on.

COI: I hate getting out of bed but my job and life situation demand that I should. So I do. Because I’m an adult.

I respect that you now work for yourself in order to accommodate your ‘preferences’. If you don’t want to get out of bed, do the course but pay for the accommodation. I don’t understand but good luck to you.

As above - if you don’t want to get up and

Yabu.

Do you think the lack of sleep is triggering migraines - which is pretty common

so a regular migraine preventative might allow you more flexibility on sleep deficit. Have you seen a neurologist ever?

YABU. I was always a night owl with bouts of insomnia and found working office hours exhausting as I'd be up til all hours then struggling through the day and only getting an energy burst at night. I muddled through. Then I had a baby that never slept, I mean literally had serious sleep problems. I slept maybe 2 or 3 90 min periods a night. For months. After 3 years i built up to 5 or 6 hours. All while working FT. It was torture, i was in constant pain. And guess what, no one gave a f* and no one made any allowances in work or in life. I still was expected to show up at social engagements and do a good job. Sorry I know I sound unsympathetic but the fact that you are getting so bothered about 1 night seems so minor in the overall scheme of things. So many people walk around in a state of agonising exhaustion because they don't get a choice, they just suck it up.

I couldn't cope with someone who was so inflexible. It would drive me mad. Sorry.

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WinterDeWinter
I honestly would just up the ante in order to make it clear how serious it is: "Dear client, I have a diagnosed medical condition which means I'm unable to undertake any early morning travel or work or I will be very ill for several days afterwards. I'm really sorry, I wouldn't have committed if I didn't think that accommodation was provided."

"Dear friend, I know you think I'm selfish and should just suck it up, but I have a diagnosed medical condition which means that early starts cause me to be ill for several days afterwards. I would do anything for it not to be the case - it's very embarrassing and has meant I have lost out a lot in my career and personal life. I hope you can be understanding bitch"

I think you perhaps believe so strongly that you'll be in a terrible mood if you don't get 8 hours of sleep that it's a self fulfilling prophecy. I've had really bad insomnia in the past with some nights of 0 sleep and I'm sometimes amazed at what I'm able to do the next day. Yes, I feel rough but I just have to plough on. If the thought of not getting your 8 hours is making you anxious, that could well be contributing to the insomnia too.

I would suck up the cost of a hotel so as not to annoy your client.

Your friend can do one though, just get the later flight.

On another note, I get insomnia and zopiclone really helps when I need to break a cycle. Or wine, failing that.

You’re not really selling your lifestyle choices here. I would much prefer OP’s.

Lots of replies read as “My life is full of feeling crap so yours should be too!”

Sleepio app.

It is based around sleep restriction therapy.

I don't think that's the point though. If you have kids, you have to do things like get them off to school in the morning!

Our society is pretty obsessed with associating getting up early with some kind of moral good, and getting up later in the day with some kind of moral evil. It is very much linked to the capitalist labour model, a fairly recent thing. Check out the essay The Tyranny of the Clock by George Woodcock for an interesting rant on the subject:

Hm, I've spent time in some very undeveloped parts of the world where there is no electric lighting. Everyone goes to bed early and gets up early, because you need to get work done during daylight, so there isn't really any alternative. A lot of activities need to be done early in the morning (fishing, for example) so everyone just gets up and does them. People might not have physical clocks, but the natural cycle of light and other things functions as a sort of natural clock, albeit one that is less strictly minute-by-minute than a physical clock. The idea that it's "natural" for people to stay up all night and sleep in late or do things at a random hour that suits their own individual body clock is weird and ahistorical.

As for the OP's situ -

People don't need to be joined at the hip on holiday. Go at a time that suits you, and do your own things on holiday if you prefer. Get together in the evenings and later part of the day.

Re the conference though? As a long term freelancer, the reality is that you easily fall off the radar and opportunities like this should not be allowed to slip through your fingers. I'd suggest paying for a hotel room at the conference venue so you can sleep as late as possible, since it's unlikely you can sort out your sleep problems in time. I do not recommend being all THIS IS MY RIGHT, ACCOMMODATE ME to your client. They are probably already on the verge of writing you off as a lazy layabout who wants to sleep in. That's perhaps unfair, but the reality is when you are a freelancer, nobody owes you work and your client isn't obliged to buy your services.

As someone who has dealt with insomnia off and on for my entire life, I am not unsympathetic. However, your method of "coping" is almost assuredly perpetuating your insomnia. Spending 12+ hours in bed in order to get 7-8 hours sleep is weakening your sleep drive and reinforcing your sleep anxiety and insomnia.

Can you see how much you are catastrophizing here? "OMG, if I don't get a full 8 hours my day will be utterly ruined, make that two days, it will be horrible, why bother?!". This is really, really extreme. Everyone deals with less than idyllic sleep at least occasionally. It's just a fact of life. And as we age sleep quality and duration tend to decline. What happens then?

I usually roll my eyes when people talk about CBT for insomnia w/ sleep restriction like it's the Holy Grail, but you would probably benefit enormously from it. It can be a real chore finding a gualified sleep therapist, and it takes a lot of commitment, but the alternative is making your life smaller and smaller as your entire world begins to revolve around getting 8 hours of sleep.

I usually roll my eyes when people talk about CBT for insomnia w/ sleep restriction like it's the Holy Grail, but you would probably benefit enormously from it. It can be a real chore finding a gualified sleep therapist, and it takes a lot of commitment, but the alternative is making your life smaller and smaller as your entire world begins to revolve around getting 8 hours of sleep.

Which is exactly why the online Sleepio program would help.

@milkyaqua It's certainly worth a try! If nothing else, losing some of this panic about not getting 8 hours a night, every night, will probably result in better sleep by itself.

Nobody likes going thru a day sleep deprived; frankly it sucks! But most of us have to do it at least occasionally and having such a visceral fear of not getting enough sleep just fuels the anxiety/insomnia cycle.

Agree with the above posts.

I'm imagining sleeping in this late during the winter when the hours of daylight are very short in the UK, and am trying to understand how you can possibly sleep in as late as this, do a full day of work AND have time for outdoor time/exercise in the daylight, without basically ending up being on screens late at night.

Have you tried melatonin? It works wonders for my insomnia

That’s one thing you need to stop - reading devices at night. The blue light screws with your ability to sleep.

You probably have tried this but if you haven’t, what about melatonin pills?

I don't understand your issue but you go above and beyond to ensure it doesn't impact on others. The holiday if you want to arrive later I can't see the issue.!The conference is shitty expenses include accommodation. Your client has behaved unprofessionally. Gong forward I wouldn't raise something private like sleep. I would say I can't do that with regard to something like staying at parents. Options are pay accommodation (annoying) or don't go. I'd be tempted to raise fee to recoup money in long run.

It sounds like you need to sort out your sleep issue as a priority but in the meantime - I don’t think you’re unreasonable about the holiday or the conference really although if you can at all manage to; then you should go to the conference

I’m exactly the same as you, I’ve been sacked and quit numerous jobs until I worked night shift and I can’t survive off just a few hours sleep.

I struggled in the past getting up for flights and appointments and found a solution that might help you - I sleep the previous day until evening and stay up all night and for my appointment and then have a nap and an early night.

I hate explaining now that I won’t do early appointments or shifts, society believes you are lazy if you don’t get up at 8am. I don’t see a queue of people who want to finish at that time though!