AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

I was similar for a few years, felt flu like if didn’t get 8 hrs, not just fatigue, resolved with sufficient sleep. Went on to get ME, ME now for 25 years, been ill with severe ME, bedridden for last 10 years. Not saying you will get ME, just I relate including the judgement and lack of understanding of needing 8 hours sleep.

Stick to your guns. It sounds like you have clear boundaries and have worked out sleeping pattern that works for you. If possible in future, don't explain or justify, you don't need to. It's your life and your waking/sleeping pattern is fine. If you friends want to travel with you, that's their preference. Yours is not to get up so early so stick with it. Don't self sacrifice and be miserable and ill just to fit in. Same with your clients, don't do it. Find a way to not go, and enjoy the good, healthy and productive days you will have not having to get up early. I admire you, well done for knowing what works for you. Good luck x

I sympathise to some
Degree but how do you expect to get on in business if you're unable to function before 11am?

Cant you make the odd exception here and there?

Do you ever travel abroad? What do you do regards jet lag? A lot of what you say resonates with me. I am very much a night owl and given preference will sleep til 9-10 everyday. if I don’t get a long sleep (8-9) I feel like I am hungover. Having babies very nearly killed me because the tiredness took over my life. Very little is worth getting up early to me so I won’t do anything social before 11 either and I mostly choose my own hours at work. However after 5 ish days I adjust to other time zones and after my children started school and I had to be up at a certain time and after many weeks of feeling awful I am used to it now. Though in the holidays revert to longer sleeps (my kids also take after me and I have to wake them for school at 8am even though they get 12 hours sleep).

your client was u reasonable to say ‘all expenses’ if not actually including accommodation. Perhaps you could stay at a travelodge or similar a little distance out of the center and commute in. They are on for less than £100 per night, maybe pick 2 days from the conference you really want to do the morning sessions for and the other days do the afternoons only? It’s better than not going at all?
I think your friends are being unreasonable especially because they ‘want to drink wine together at 7am 🤨’. Yes it’s nicer to travel together but you can have fun once you get there.

You have a very unhealthy sleep schedule. I think 10 p.m or even 10.30 p.m. is much to early to go to bed if you have sleep issues. You mention you're awake untill 3 a.m.! Maybe you should wait untill you're really tired - so not the moment you think you should go to bed but the moment you're really falling asleep where you stand. Then you might be able to catch a healthy sleep!

Sorry but as someone with chronic insomnia I think you are being a bit too prescious about this . I have kids with special needs that get really bad if not sleeping and even they understand it is not always possible to not start your day until 11 am . Or risk upsetting others and loosing opportunities. We all get exhausted from time to time . It’s part of life

i'm another one with diagnosed/medicated ADHD and subsequent Delayed Sleep Phase syndrome.

I don't sleep before 2am, its usually closer to 3am, and then sleep in til 8/9am.

Unlike the OP, i can still get up at 7am to sort the kids for school, and i can run on 3 hours sleep if necessary, (5-6 is optimum for me) but then i will need an afternoon nap, or crash at the weekend and sleep for hours.

IF i try and sleep earlier, or i fall asleep earlier because i'm tired/ill i will usually wake up about 3am, be awake for 2/3 hours, then fall back to sleep... which is a WHOLE lot worse than sleeping solidly from 3-8.

So many people on here don't get that it's not a matter of 'just go to sleep earlier' some peoples bodies operate on a different schedule and modern societies obsession with 9-5 doesn't make us lazy or difficult.

YANBU.
Your friend A is a dick. Stick to getting a later flight and meet them there or don’t go.
Your client is not your employer. You are freelance. You set the rules. Be firm and either they pay for your accommodation or don’t go.
You’ve changed your life for the better by doing things on a schedule that suits you so stick to it and don’t feel bad because it doesn’t suit other people.

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, but glad you mentioned ADHD. I've been chronically exhausted all my life to the point where I feel physically ill due to tiredness. I was diagnosed with ADHD in December, I'm now medicated. I sleep better and no longer feel as tired. It's the best feeling, I feel so much better. I hope you find a solution to your tiredness, I can completely sympathise.

I'm curious as to what people who are saying 'go to your GP'/'get a referral to a sleep clinic' think that will actually accomplish. There's no magic bullet for those of us who are hardwired like this. I've only just recently been able to get melatonin at the age of 55 after a second referral to a sleep clinic (the first, about 20 years ago, was completely useless) and that's the only thing barring sleeping pills (and amitriptyline to some extent) that has ever made a blind bit of difference.

YANBU / I am exactly the same OP. People simply don’t understand if they are morning people,

I totally get the sleep thing as I have really bad insomnia and I feel like my whole life revolves around trying to get adequate sleep. I don't think the restrictions of your sleep schedule work very well around a holiday with friends. I know you're locked in now but I probably would suck it up for this holiday and don't do it again.

The early flight is obviously cheaper, they typically are, as it’s at a less desirable, unsociable time.

Why should OP have to pander to their friend’s request which is for a ‘jolly’ for the friend?

Meanwhile OPs health, sleep and first 2 days of the holiday will be very negatively impacted (and they won’t be very jolly either 🤣)

Why this is being compared to other posters having to get up for a child is unfathomable.

Don’t tell people about the sleep thing, I wouldn’t.

I would have said to your client your parents can’t host you and given an excuse.
Your friend should let you meet them there.

You should go to a doctor and explain about the sleep thing, sounds extreme.

Don’t tell people about the sleep thing, I wouldn’t.

Why should those of us who struggle to sleep at the times society deems acceptable feel obliged to keep it as some sort of shameful secret?

You should go to a doctor and explain about the sleep thing, sounds extreme.

Short of sleeping pills (for obvious reasons, not a good option for someone with a chronic sleep issue), there's very little a doctor can do about a circadian rhythm that's out of whack with what society says it's supposed to be.

With the conference, they shouldn’t have assumed you would stay with your parents, but equally you should have confirmed nearby accommodation was being provided.

It would be reasonable to ask them to pay 50% of the costs and you pay 50%.

Why should those of us who struggle to sleep at the times society deems acceptable feel obliged to keep it as some sort of shameful secret?
Because OP will irritate her clients, who she presumably wants to keep, and she doesn’t actually owe them this detailed/personal an explanation (especially when she has no diagnosis she can use to help explain). Frankly most people just don’t get it, and will eye roll thinking she wants a lie in.
I would tell close friends and family, but clients I wouldn’t share the real reason.
Also her client is really rude to assume she will do a 4 hour round trip everyday, unpaid.

You should go to a doctor and explain about the sleep thing, sounds extreme.
I would ask for a referral to a mental health for insomnia, also investigations into other conditions that may cause insomnia.

Can't bear reading three more pages of YABU, suck it up and be an early bird like normal people 🙄

You have my complete sympathy, @ksglag. I built my whole life around this - and it went tits-up around the time my boss decided I had to be in early every day. Apart from him, all my previous employers and clients (when freelance) were fine. I did feel obliged to over-perform to make up for it, but in any case that worked for me until Mad Boss From Hell lost the plot.

Your friends ABU as you're making all the accommodations. The one who thinks it's not a holiday unless you're all glued to each other sounds like she may turn out to be a PITA in general, so it really is best that you've set out your "I do things my way" stall early on!

Your client's being weird. Would the amount she'll have to pay for your commute be enough to cover a B&B in town? If not, it could even be worth borrowing the money for a room. And then start looking for other clients.

So many people on here don’t get that it’s not a matter of ‘just go to sleep earlier’ sone people’s bodies operate on a different schedule and modern societies obsession with 9-5 doesn’t make us lazy or difficult.

I second this. I’m a person that can’t sleep until 2-3 am and wake up around 10-11 am. It’s not being lazy or difficult. It’s the way my body clock is. I don’t go to sleep until 2-3 am. I don’t do well on little to no sleep.

I don't get the message that OP should do all the accommodating, only that friends and business associates are as free to look for people more compatible with their needs. As is OP.

Now that you’ve settled on a pattern that has enabled you to feel well, how about adjusting it by 10 minutes every month for a year or 6 months and then review?

I am neurodivergent and my sleep quality is ATROCIOUS but nothing comparable to what you described. I’ve taken a sleeping pill yesterday (nytol) took myself to bed at 9 pm after a shower and wind down routine and it’s taken me 2h to fall asleep (Fitbit helps to know!), and I’ve woken up between 1-3am, then fell back to sleep until child woke up at 6am. I’m so unproductive right now over sleep, most people don’t understand.
your case is even more extreme and I’m so sorry, I know what being like this every single day can do to a person’s wellbeing, health, productivity and happiness.
I would be firm with the holiday friends and take a different flight and I would just arrive late to the London event. You’re freelancer so you’re not bound to them. Ask the organisers for copy of materials and presentations. If you meet someone nice at the event they may share notes?
good luck!

Your client is not your employer. You are freelance. You set the rules. Be firm and either they pay for your accommodation or don’t go.

Very true.

But she would need to be prepared for the client to stop using her in the future. She seems to already need training in the skills needed by this client so she’s not a perfect fit anyway.

I do actually agree that they should be paying for the accommodation having offered all expenses paid but that is dealt with by having an professional adult conversation with the client.

a lot of people would realise they dont actually have insomnia, but a delayed circadian rhythm if modern society didn't force them into being awake at 7am.

Insomnia is not sleeping at all, but a lot of us can sleep perfectly well if we're left to make our own sleep schedule, rather than trying to force ourselves to sleep at 11pm to fit in.

Insomnia vs Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (soundsleephealth.com)