AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

Your sleep issues sound so difficult and its obvious you have tried to resolve these. For now you have found a routine that works for you.

Obviously this routine makes you unavailable sometimes. It also makes you inflexible, thats fine but you may incurr inconvenience or extra cost yourself to maintain this routine. Given your issues I'm surprised you didn't make the situation clear when agreeing to both the course and holiday.

Ditto here. Plus, for me, I have a lot of trouble sleeping with my DH. It makes the bed too warm for me so I wake up after sleeping an hour, so hot and feeling like I cannot breathe. I usually sleep during the day and even then, have ice packs with me to keep the bed cooler.
I also have insomnia and CFS among a few other things so sleep is elusive at times.

I agree 100%. If someone told me "all expenses paid", I would take that to mean travel, hotel, conference costs and a meal stipend. Changing the rules after someone commits would get a "Sorry, but no thanks". I don't care if they paid for the conference; they changed the deal and made it taxing.

@ksglag - you’re making a mistake by going to bed at 10pm when you know you won’t get to sleep for another 5 hours. Go to bed when you feel sleepy, not because the clock says so!

I too am a night owl, hate early mornings, but spent 35 years nursing with 07.00 starts and kept horses who needed feeding, mucking out, etc before leaving for work, so it is entirely possible to be an owl with the lifestyle of a lark.

Now I’m retired and generally sleep between 04.00-ish to 10.00-ish. I’m only up at this ungodly hour because I thought I’d have “a nap” (I can’t nap, I can only sleep) last night at 20.00… and slept until 05.00!

I do the same. If I have something I have to do in the morning hours, I have to stay up all night, go to the appt., then come home and basically sleep.

I've always been a night owl, but it has gotten worse with age. I've tried every medicine in the book to help and nothing has worked.

Another "non-napper" here. If I lay down for a nap, I don't get up. My DH can take a 30 minute nap but that doesn't work for me. If I know I will only have 30 minutes to nap, I spend that time counting down the minutes.

It's part of my problem with sleeping in general. Unless I am bone tired, when I go to bed, my mind keeps working, listing all the things I need to do, should do and every one of my failings/faults (which takes hours in itself). Next thing I know, five hours is gone and I'm still trying to clear my mind enough to relax.

@Nanaof1 - I swear not being able to nap is a disability, I wish I had the knack! Like yours, my OH can have a 20-minute nap and wake up refreshed, while I’d wake up groggy and grumpy and out of sorts from then until bedtime. Most nurses I worked with on night duty used to sleep in their breaks (1.5 hours) while I could only read and eat in mine.

As somebody who suffers with insomnia and has had to get through countless days with zero sleep I think you are being unreasonable. These are one off events, and as others have pointed out, no one likes to have to get up early for flights and conferences etc. But it's not as though you would have to do it on a daily or even weekly basis.

I don't think the OP's sleep cycle would be a problem once she's actually on the holiday - getting up at 9am, jumping in to the shower, throwing on a sundress and staggering downstairs to make the end of the breakfast setting at 9:45 and then going out for the day at 10:30 is perfectly normal holiday timing for a group of adults on a relaxing break. It's not like she's a teen who has to be coaxed from her bed at noon and then spends 2 hours getting ready to go out - now that really does put a cramp on a holiday.

Personally as a night owl I'd sleep late on the day before the holiday, and do an all nighter before the flight. But flying separately later in the day is an option too.

On the conference - do you not have any friends or relatives in London you can crash with?

It doesn't matter!

Op does not want to, and does not have to. What are people not getting about this? Do none of you have any boundaries at all? Do you really think one has to get an early flight that one does not want to or need to purely because someone else demands you do so?

What on earth?

Has your GP tested your melatonin levels? If not get them to.

Obviously, the OP can do what she likes - get whichever flight she wants and deal with the client in whichever way she wants.

What the OP is putting in place is not healthy ‘boundaries’, it is rigid rules that very likely will over time negatively affect her friendships and business.

She may not care, but then why start a thread about it?

You don't get to decide what other peoples healthy boundaries are, that's not how boundaries work.

If someone getting flights that suit them instead of you affects your friendship, that's a you problem, not a them problem. OP's friends are the unreasonable ones here.
She does care, because of pressure from people like you who don't seem to understand that people can live differently from you and don't actually have to change to accomodate you.

I recommend this https://www.re-generate.energy/sleep-coaching?fbclid=IwAR37MJnMy6gAdbruvrBbEa99WFfxPvCaAam-5aM-kyGR_yXkW9RIRb7kVuY

And the same works the other way too? The friends can choose to go on holiday in future with someone that doesn't have a nothing before midmorning rule. The same for clients they can choose to not work with people that won't get out of bed for them before 10:30. Clients, friends, whoever don't have to change the way they socialise/do business to accommodate the OP.

I think you might be getting cross replies simply because you’ve asked the wrong people here…the majority of us reading this are probably totally sleep deprived and have been for years due to children and work. Many people reading this might have a total of 4 hours sleep a night…and have massive headaches, feel irritable and miserable and unable to concentrate. However they just get on with it, because that’s just how life is for most people!

On a more helpful note, if it’s making you fall out with friends and clients it might be a sign you need to change your routine.

Well obviously. That's literally the point.

But it's OP that gets to decide whether that is something she wants to risk or not. Not you, or anyone else. That's the bit everyone here seems to be struggling with.

There are 2 options, an early flight or a later flight. So do when you say that flexibility isn't being reciprocated, does that flexibility mean just doing what the friend wants and getting the earlier flight? Because I'm not sure what flexibility the OP can show in that situation?

OP tell your 'friend' to fuck off. It makes no difference to her what flight you get. She can get the earlier one and they can do stuff in the morning, you'll meet them later. It's her that's expecting everyone to meet get demands ie what flight you all get.

Honestly? I wish more companies recognised that not everyone can function in the morning. I have chronic fatigue syndrome as a result of extremely bad (stage 4) endometriosis, and mornings for me are the hardest to fight the exhaustion. It's time humans were treated as humans, not machines or robots. You do you!!

I always wanted to do yoga and/or pilates (only because I thought with my years of ballet I’d be really good at them), but when a neighbour friend found two local classes I declined to join her because they started at 10am. So I have a lot sympathy for the OP!

However, I’m always happy to get up at the crack of dawn (or more likely stay up all night) to get an early morning flight for a holiday, or for a special occasion, or important conference.

But it's OP that gets to decide whether that is something she wants to risk or not. Not you, or anyone else. That's the bit everyone here seems to be struggling with.

No one here is struggling with that @notokaywiththetropes Everyone on this thread understands the concept of the OP’s free will.

What’s being discussed is impact. The impact of the OP’s rules and how that will interact with other people and her work or friendship opportunities. Clearly, these will be curtailed.

Tell your friend to "fuck off" because they want to get out early in blistering heat and follow the Spanish way of doing things, which is to do stuff early, then have a big lunch and a siesta? Ok..... I don't see the point in doing a group holiday if everyone peels off on their own and only meets in the evening. Which is why I only travel with larks now.

But I suspect this is not a problem the OP will have much longer.

As I said, I too have terrible insomnia and headaches because of menopause- am now an owl- and I do have a diagnosis.

No way would I agree to a 4 hour commute. That’s totally unreasonable.

re the holiday, doesn’t sound like you should go, your friends won’t be happy to sit around until 10:30am each day and be home by 10pm each night.

Another night owl here and I completely understand, I try not to make plans that involve having to be anywhere before lunch time if possible - if absolutely needed I will though and get through the day with caffeine.

I have managed work by doing shift work - it's a rotating pattern but I only have to do two 9am starts every 10 days, the rest are afternoons and nights. I am rarely good for much on the morning shifts but I muddle through - and the only issue is none of the sleep apps/regular bedtime advice is any good for me as I mainly have to be nocturnal for work!

I could probably suck up the early flight as the excitement would get me through bjt would still feel a bit crap - it's also no skin of your friend's nose if you get the later flight so I think your friend is being unreasonable there.

As for the conference- a commute that long either side would be horrendous WHATEVER time it was so YADNBU with that one!

So in other words, OP should be the one to do all the accommodating. Nice.