AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

Hi OP. I get it. I’ve been diagnosed with chronic primary insomnia. I took part in 16 weeks of psychological assessments / sleep trials etc. I had also turned self-employed to cope with how bad it was. I can’t stay in hotels / unfamiliar places and I can’t sleep if I know I have an early appointment to be up for etc etc

As I’ve had endless talks with experts, I wanted to suggest a few things. I’d say the important thing here is recognising that a slightly shorter sleep of, say, an hour or two simply isn’t a physical crisis that would ruin the next two days. Getting up slightly earlier might leave most people a bit tired but it won’t destroy their brain for days! So, you and I both should be able to get up an hour or two earlier for a meeting, right? So why is it such a battle?

It sounds like the chronic lack of sleep comes from your mind being awake and not switching off at night, right? So you could have a bath, a read, turn off blue light, get in to bed tired…and just be awake for hours and hours. When this happens, it’s a cycle as you worry you won’t get enough sleep, the worry keeps you awake, you feel tired the next day and then go to bed worrying it might happen again. The only way it stops is having the peace of getting into bed with no pressure to be up and awake at any time the next day.

From everything you’ve said, I recognise some things and it sounds like anxiety about a potential lack of sleep / worry about disruption to your routine is the main thing stressing you and keeping you awake. If you have no alarm to get up for and you know a bad sleep means nothing the next day as you can lie in, does that make it easier to fall asleep? If so, would you consider that you probably have anxiety about your routine being disrupted the next day if you know you have to set an alarm / have an early morning event and that is what it at the heart of the insomnia?

You are already finding that your sleep patterns are causing major problems because it’s obviously not normal to be unable to cope with getting up at 8am or even 6am for a flight etc. I hear you - I’m not judging! But I do wonder if you could massively improve your ability to cope with it if you looked at the psychological triggers for your insomnia. It worked for me when nothing else did. I was at the point when I couldn’t drive to work in case I crashed because I was so tired.

Well, that's societal convention. Most holiday tours start in the morning. Not at 2 pm. Unless you are in Scandinavia or a cold country, perhaps. Most conferences start in the morning. Not at noon. If you want the benefits of society, sometimes you have to follow convention. If you don't, that's fine.

I would like to go around braless or in shorts when meeting my clients or on a Zoom call, but I don't. I just do all the accomodating! Dammit!

Believe me there was no 'choice' involved, there was nothing I could do about it. But in fairness when I read it back my post is a bit of a rant and probably not helpful. I think my point is lots of people are exhausted, I know many who work shifts that cause havoc with their sleep but they need the shift premium to pay the rent / mortgage. On balance OP is very lucky to be able to live a life that can work around her needs but the lack of flexibility on one off or rare occasions does seem unreasonable to me.

I used to be a "night owl" too. Couldn't sleep before 3am, couldn't get up before 11am. I was like this for years and just thought that was how it was. Whenever I had to get up earlier (which happened often, because life for the vast majority of society starts far earlier than that) I'd be miserable and useless. I was convinced my circadian rhythm was broken.

I now get up at 7:30-8am and go to bed at 11:30pm-midnight. I wake up at the same time every day without an alarm and I feel way better than I used to. What changed? I started eating better food and at regular times, exercising 4 times a week and enforced a no screens in the bedroom rule on myself. In the end, it was all due to routine. I'd got myself set on following a "bad" routine and it felt impossible to break.

I'm a night owl and don't rise early, but I don't get this part at all. You're going to bed way too early. You also said you are working until 9pm, so the equivalent is somebody getting home from work at 6pm and going to bed at 7pm.

You must be laying in bed, wide awake, stressing over not being able to sleep. The only time I'm in bed by 10pm is if I'm very, very ill.

Try staying up until 1 or 2am. Maybe you'll get straight off to sleep then, sleep through until 8-10am and feel great.

Doesn't answer the current question, but maybe a long term solution.

The OP isn’t asking her friends to miss out on anything, and the client offered “all expenses paid”

People don’t half get shitty when someone sets out their needs and boundaries, and sticks to them.

Regarding the ‘all expenses’, I guess it wasn’t defined. The clients presumed that was travel (and food?), whilst the op assumed it included accommodation. There had obviously been conversations before whereby the op had said she usually stays at her parents when travelling into London, so the client presumed this is what would happen this time. If the client weren’t aware of op’s sleep problems, then they wouldn’t know this probably wouldn’t occur on this occasion.

It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this

I think expecting you to do a 4 hour round-trip commute each day is unreasonable. And this is unpaid, correct?

That said, I wouldn't discuss your sleep issues with your client(s). No matter how chatty/friendly you are with them, I can almost guarantee that there's a fair amount of eye-rolling when you go into "I can't do anything prior to lunch as I need my 8 hours". It's not their business why you don't have morning availability. Mornings are off the table, already booked...whatever. If they sign on with you knowing that your hours are 11:00 - 7:00 (or whatever) and they agree to that, then you shouldn't have to divulge personal info.

Some people really don't like boundaries do they?

I can only imagine how awful, having a child with sleep deprivation was pretty awful.

i don’t blame you for some things you decline due to this, but other things I think you have to change your mindset. Not so much the work thing cf think they can save on accommodation. But friends, the holiday sounds so much fun, I’m not saying the holiday will make you sleep better, but a bit of sun, fun and laughter may help somewhere.

good luck.

So many people have utterly failed to have any or enforce them, and can't stand the fact that others have been stronger than them. It's pure envy and trying to convince OP that she should have to do things she doesn't want to or can't, because thats what they did.

So depressing.

I am one of the few who voted YANBU OP.

Health and sleep are a priority and you are managing these to the best of your ability and your work on top of this.

With regards to waking up naturally, there’s an app you can get that monitors your sleep. You select a wake up time, E.g between 8 and 9 and the alarm will start when it detects that you are in a light sleep. You can also get alarm clocks that glow before the sound starts, it’s meant to mimic the sun rising.

Friends and flights - they can travel together and have ‘fun’ travelling but you’re not 6, flying early is not fun. I wouldn’t do a 7am flight! 5am checkin? No way! You’ve said you’ll get a later flight - they can go early and keep each other company - not a problem.

client - surely you should have found out if accusation was included? That IS your fault and you need to suck it up I think. Can you afford to lose the client?
m how valuable is the training?

I’m sorry but I can’t be sympathetic to this. There are a lot of people out there that have sleeping problems and still have to tow the 9-5 line. My boss is one of them, he works 9-530 and still isn’t getting much sleep. You’re expecting people to adjust to your schedule because you point blank refuse to adjust to theirs! I also suffer from chronic fatigue due to having MS so I know what it’s like not getting that larger amount of sleep, but I still work, deal with my daughter etc. You need to be referred to a sleep clinic via your gp and don’t leave their office til you have that referral.

The problem arises when peoples boundaries clash....

No one person's boundaries are more important than anyone else's but that important point is conveniently overlooked.

I do feel for you, having gone through a very long period (years) when I had sleep problems. As I had children and worked full time, I'm afraid early mornings were unavoidable, however exhausted I was. In terms of the flight, I would have suggested you take the early flight but be clear you'll want a very chilled first couple of days. However, it doesn't sound as if this would provide friend A with the pleasant time together that she hoped for. So either insist you'll meet them there, or don't go. Re the hotel/training, I've never heard anything like it.

You should have confirmed accommodation in London before agreeing to the conference.

BUT - the flight lady is being unreasonable to make you get up earlier than you want - if she wants to travel with you- she will have to pay a bit more. If you went late and your friend went early - what would the third person do?

I like you am a night owl - (I don't go to bed early - i'd just lie there awake) I live with an early bird - and it was only when I pointed out that I was awake for more hours in 24 than him - did the'lazy' comments stop!

I think if you can get up late and work late- and do the work well - you are lucky (I wish I could do this)

If the conference is a big opportunity for you, isn't it worth your while to pay for a hotel near the venue? After all, as I understand you are getting all your other expenses paid.

I’m in a similar situation. I have issues with sleep. I have trouble going to sleep at night. I rarely fall asleep before 2 am and wake up around 10-10:30 am. It frustrates a lot of people. I have a sleep focus app on my phone. I set it so no calls will ring through before 10 am. I can return any early calls once I have woken up.

I have had people say similar things as they have to you. I blew up a few times when people say things like “you could get up earlier if you wanted to.” Yeah, um, nope. I used to be an early bird, up with the sun. Because of my insomnia, I no longer am. Mostly now I have made them understand that they shouldn’t call before 10 am and not expect me to do anything before 11 or 12. Since I’m retired, it doesn’t effect me like it would if I were still working.

People understand when someone works a swing or graveyard shift that they need their sleep, but not when it’s a legitimate medical issue like insomnia. it really baffles me sometimes.

I think I would tell her that you won’t be able to attend the conference after all. She did say she was paying for your expenses. Staying 2 hours away with your family is not her paying for your expenses. It’s too bad the tickets are not refundable. If she gets a bit miffed, remind her that she said she was paying your expenses, and she should have given you all of the information before she booked the tickets. Perhaps she can take someone else.

But might you lose the client if you pull out or ask them to pay for a hotel?

@GulfCoastBeachGirl I have friends who live in Kent. They tell me the train is 45-60 minutes long. So if you add on 30 minutes to get to station, park and wait for train, and then 30 minutes to leave London station and get to conference with time to spare, it doesn’t sound too bad, and is a pretty standard commute into London. Plus it’s only for a couple of days if a weekend conference.

If I were u I’d go back to yr GP. Tell them how this is ruling yr life and how you are being perceived in yr work and personal life. I think it must be awful for u. Maybe yr GP can help you to find compromises in the future

Honestly, for a one off event you are displaying snowflakery at its worst. Just get on with it for that one flight fgs

You definitely need to go back to a doctors this is so bizarre and life limiting.

To think you NEED 8 hours a night. I didn’t sleep for more than 2-3 hours a night with a small baby and didn’t sleep for more than 5 in a row for over 1.5 years and I’m still alive and walking gods green earth.