AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

I think if that is your sleeping pattern and you can't change it, then you need to find better ways to manage it and communicate about it.

Going on holiday with friends, you should discuss something as disruptive as that at the point the holiday is first mooted, and make sure your friends understand you have no flexibility at all before they commit to going.

In terms of the conference, before agreeing to go you should have clarified whether accommodation was included. That really is nothing to do with your sleep patterns - just basic common sense.

You are not unreasonable about the flight. Your friend is being childish, you are adults not children on a school bus outing. Your two friends could travel together and you follow later.

Booking you for a conference and expecting you to stay at your parents without checking that you could stay at your parents (what if they were away or had other visitors) is really odd. Normally accomodation would be part of the arrangements, especially if you have a two hour trip in and a two hour trip home again every day. They may not want to pay for a hotel, but that should have been made clear at the start, not assumed that you would stay with family.

I have friends and relatives whose circadian rythms are completely upset so I sympathise with your situation. I hope you can get help to get it fixed or find friends and clients more understanding of your condition.

You need to make your friends fully aware of the extent of your issue as it wont just be the travel times there and back that will be an issue it will significantly impact the whole holiday and then let them decide if they are willing to accept/work around you every day. They would not be unreasonable to say it will be too restrictive when they are paying a lot of money and using precious AL for a holiday.

You need to go to a sleep clinic. Your sleep cycle is a mess.

If you sleep in until 10:30 then of course you won’t fall sleep until 3am?!

You are awake many 12hrs a day at best - most people are awake 15 or so.

No helpful suggestions but this does sound like you may have a disrupted circadian rhythm. Some people operate on an internal clock that is longer than 24 hours, meaning their natural wake up time is being being pushed back every day. A bit like being constantly adjusting to jet lag. This a genetic variation, and going to bed earlier doesn't really 'fix' the issue. Not sure about using Melatonin, may be worth looking into. For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing going freelance and avoiding early morning commitments. Chronic sleep deprivation is very damaging.

Insomnia is a serious health condition and it sounds like you've tried many different things which haven't worked, and so have adjusted your lifestyle to manage your condition instead. Sensible stuff.

I'm sorry your friend isn't more understanding about the flight. I don't see why they can't accept you simply meeting them there later so you can enjoy the first few days of your holiday without feeling jetlagged. Perhaps if you stick to your guns, they'll get over it, as it really doesn't affect them.

With the conference, that is tricky - it seems you were misled about what was covered - they should have checked that you could stay with your parents anyway, and this would have come up too.

Our society is pretty obsessed with associating getting up early with some kind of moral good, and getting up later in the day with some kind of moral evil. It is very much linked to the capitalist labour model, a fairly recent thing. Check out the essay The Tyranny of the Clock by George Woodcock for an interesting rant on the subject:
https://libcom.org/article/tyranny-clock-george-woodcock

You may lose your clients. That would make me prioritise the work over sleep for a one off. Seems pretty unprofessional to me.

Social side of things it’s up to you if you want to make this the hill you die on. And if your friends care or not.

With regard to the conference then I think you'll have to book a hotel room and suck up the cost if your client isn't paying for it.
Your inflexibility is not your client's fault.

As to your friends...it sounds like they're a bit fed up of your inflexibility.

You really need to push your GP for a referral to a sleep clinic as this issue is clearly impacting your ability to crack on with things that most people just cope with.

My clients would drop me if I made my personal problems their problem. Not employers, so no need for them to make reasonable adjustments. Speaking as fellow freelancer, if you only have one major client you're too dependent and need to more customers.

Did you post about this recently, OP?

It does sound as if you've messed your sleep cycle up and everything you're doing is just adding to that. Getting back into a more normal pattern will be effortful but worth it. However, if you don't want to do that you really need to be upfront with your friends about it as it's not just the flights that are going to be affected. Sounds like your friend has visions of you all doing things together and that's going to be difficult if you're in bed half the morning.

I'd have expected hotel accommodation to be included. Four hours commute each day isn't reasonable regardless.

It is just so horrendous I would just rather not go. It completely ruins my day and the next. I just can't put myself through that anymore even for a one off

That's your answer. Ask what time things start, and if it's before the time that you're happy to be up, decline. You've made your call that you don't want to do it, even as a one-off.

I suspect the client is put out that you've agreed to go to a webinar that starts at 10am, but don't really seem to have intended to go to it all... Ideally you'd have checked if accommodation was included upfront, and they've been unreasonable to suggest you stay at your parents unless there's precedent for that, but they're also probably put out that they've agreed to pay for your attendance at something, and you weren't intending to go to it all.

But overall; if there's no more suggestions/treatments that you want to try; or that will work for you; it's about enforcing your boundaries and being clear with what you will and won't do.

This.

Why don't you just go to bed a few hours earlier each night?

I have bipolar II, anxiety, insomnia, night terrors and migraines etc but still get up for work at a reasonable time.

YABU. No way would I put up with this.

Find out the cost of the proposed 4-hour daily peak time commute
I would guess it would a reasonable proportion of the cost of a basic hotel room, and you could pay the rest ?

You'll be costing your friends money since they can only split transfers 2 ways instead of 3. You really should've said you can only go if the flight is at 2pm or later.

Very restrictive and presumably you'll be expecting them to tiptoe around the apartment too while you lie in?

Our society is pretty obsessed with associating getting up early with some kind of moral good, and getting up later in the day with some kind of moral evil. It is very much linked to the capitalist labour model, a fairly recent thing.

Pretty sure the simple notion of "having a lie-in" is a very modern one, working 'dawn to dusk" was more the standard.

I think it's very cheeky of the client to say "I'll pay all your expenses" and then reveal that actually they want you to stay with your family two hours away from the bloody venue. That is NOT "all your expenses".

It seems self sabotaging to piss of a client and turn down a great opportunity because you will have a couple of bad days. For me long term would be more important than the very short term but that is something only you can decide on for you. You seem unflexible and sure that you are doing the right thing for you so I'm not really sure there anything posters here can say that will make any kind of difference.

This. Sounds miserable for everyone.

I’m a night owl and also have perimenopausal sleep disruption.
As a one off I think just suck it up.
The early flight thing probably would suit you better as you’ll need to check in by 5 so setting off for airport in early hours. Just don’t go to bed then sleep on arrival. I flew recently alarm was set for 4.30am I was naturally wide awake at 4 am and up (as that’s my awake time in night) everyone else groggy as they’d usually be asleep.
Conference all expenses means hotel not commuting 4 hours a day.

Hmm. This is a good point. Are you all sharing a room? You'll be up too late for breakfast, but going to bed early for holidays and then staying awake for hours. Assuming they're on a more normal schedule, are you all aware that you'll be disturbing each other?

I would find this unbearable if I was your friend or client! Just go to bed earlier.

I have tried what feels like everything

Not quite. Your subconscious mind has decided that your sleep schedule is 3am to 9/10am and that you must arrange your life accordingly - this may have made sense at some point in the past but now it's affecting every part of your day. Remedial hypnosis would allow you to communicate directly with the part that's holding this belief and - rather simply - tell it to stop.