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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

412 replies

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:05

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

OP posts:
shakeitoffsis · 12/06/2023 11:07

You need to see a doctor about this sleep issue really. Otherwise it does just seem like you're being difficult.

Sissynova · 12/06/2023 11:09

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

So go to bed earlier. Sleeping until 9 or 10am isn't the only way to get 8 hours in.

Marsyas · 12/06/2023 11:09

On the plane thing I think your friends should be more understanding, it doesn’t really affect them if you take a later flight.
On the conference thing, I don’t think I would have assumed that accommodation was being provided unless that had been actually stated.

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:10

I have see my doctor but nothing has helped. I even forked out for CBT sessions but it didn't help either. I have tried redecorating my room, expensive sheets, various medicines, sleeping pills, drop, sprays, removing technology from the room, exercising, reading before bed, having separate bed to my partner, weighted sheets.

I have tried what feels like everything

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 12/06/2023 11:10

What help have you sought? Surely you can see that it's a privilege to be able to set your own hours like you do (and expect everyone else to flex around you). I know what it's like to be exhausted - I also have insomnia and a health condition which means I am extremely fatigued but I don't really have the choice but to live with it.

Eudaimonia5 · 12/06/2023 11:10

I think you're being a bit ridiculous when it's something that's a one off. No one likes getting up early for a flight or for a conference but it's just a fact of life.

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:10

@Sissynova I got to be at 10pm and dont fall asleep until 3am

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 12/06/2023 11:11

Sorry, cross post! I have found that trazodone is the best medication for me personally and I take it every night and it helps a little.

Waterfallgirl · 12/06/2023 11:12

Go to bed earlier the night before?

Client ‘paying all expenses’ includes a hotel in my book - weird they don’t think so ?

…. all the others - you can easily get 8 hrs in just go to bed early.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 12/06/2023 11:13

Sissynova · 12/06/2023 11:09

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

So go to bed earlier. Sleeping until 9 or 10am isn't the only way to get 8 hours in.

I’m a dyed in the wool night owl. It’s not as simple as “go to bed earlier”. Trying to fit into the 9-5 society is like having permanent jet lag.

I do have to get up early for trains and flights and it does just make it worse. I hear you OP. I wouldn’t let it dictate my life 100% but I do understand.

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:13

@Waterfallgirl I have tried that but unfortunatly I just stay awake longer

I aslo work in the evenings to make up what I can't in the mornings

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 12/06/2023 11:14

have you been to sleep clinic or sleep study? also maybe a brain scan?

That intense level of reaction to less than 8 hours after 1 night is a bit out of the ordinary.

Sissynova · 12/06/2023 11:15

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:10

@Sissynova I got to be at 10pm and dont fall asleep until 3am

If you're sleeping until 9 or 10 am why do you think you would be remotely tired at 10pm though?
You're just adding to the cycle.

No one is saying you can't do whatever you want with your own schedule but yes YABU to say you will never ever wake early when something calls for it.

If you had an important hospital appointment at 9:30 would you just postpone it for months until you had an 11am slot? Or are you saying you could in fact sometimes wake earlier if you needed to?

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:16

I went on a retreat for sleep medicine and it didn't help.

I know the reactive is intense but it is very real.

For those saying it's a one off, suck it up. It is just so horrendous I would just rather not go. It completely ruins my day and the next. I just can't put myself through that anymore even for a one off

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/06/2023 11:18

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:16

I went on a retreat for sleep medicine and it didn't help.

I know the reactive is intense but it is very real.

For those saying it's a one off, suck it up. It is just so horrendous I would just rather not go. It completely ruins my day and the next. I just can't put myself through that anymore even for a one off

Well, at some point, something will come up where you'll have to.

Hospital appt for you or your partner - would you just not go?

OutdoorPillow · 12/06/2023 11:19

It sounds like you’re going to make your life and world very small if you continue missing opportunities to stay in bed.

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 11:21

Well, I don't think you can blame people from being fed up with your inflexibilty.

I also think you are missing out on lots due to this issue and you need to watch out it doesn't take over your life.

Inadvertentlyspring · 12/06/2023 11:23

I can't believe the replies you are getting!

You have an issue that you have worked yourself to resolve, and people are giving you shit about it!

Your friend needs to chill the fuck out about the flights.

You need to make sure you are ammmmmmaaaazzzzing at your job and then just say 'sorry, my hours are 10.30 to 19.30, non-negotiable'.

TedMullins · 12/06/2023 11:24

People who don't experience this just won't get it. I have chronic fatigue and completely understand, YANBU. It doesn't limit my life, I just don't do anything that necessitates getting up early. I have slept through important medical appointments before when there was no choice but to have them early (not on purpose, but I find it physically incredibly difficult to wake up). It makes no difference to your friends if you catch a later flight so I don't know why they're kicking off. I would have expected 'all expenses paid' to include a hotel too.

Febreezefantastic · 12/06/2023 11:25

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:10

@Sissynova I got to be at 10pm and dont fall asleep until 3am

like every night? So what's the point of going to bed at 10 anyway?

You need to see a sleep clinic, if the usual : full on exercise, better diet etc. haven't worked. Insomnia is a bitch, but there is help available.

Regarding your clients, your sleep "issues" are irrelevant. it's not their problem and it makes you sound extremely unprofessional. They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent That's a miscommunication, it's difficult to argue about it if accommodation were not confirmed. It would still be better to say that you cannot go to your parents at that date, without going into the "I am not getting up early".

You need to be firm with your friends, it's not just the flight. You will be a pain if everything in the holiday has to revolve around your inflexible sleeping pattern. They need to be fully aware that's it's not negotiable, so they know what to expect.

JenniferBarkley · 12/06/2023 11:25

I'm really torn on this.

On the one hand, it sounds extreme and I would hope I would be sympathetic to any friend with difficulties due to their health.

On the other, I suspect that in truth I'd be very frustrated, contemplating the last time I had 8 hours of sleep or didn't feel tired. You do sound inflexible and I guess my attitude would depend on how much I thought that was by choice.

Febreezefantastic · 12/06/2023 11:26

ksglag · 12/06/2023 11:13

@Waterfallgirl I have tried that but unfortunatly I just stay awake longer

I aslo work in the evenings to make up what I can't in the mornings

for a start, that really won't help your falling asleep.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 12/06/2023 11:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable - your friends can still earlier flight and - even without the sleep issue - 2 hrs is too far away to stay. You seem to have wired out how to best mitigate the impact on your life.

sotired2 · 12/06/2023 11:28

Flight is a one off and going on holiday so can relax/recharge when there - no one likes an early morning flight but if I have one I just suck it up and plan rest of that day as a chill day. So I'm with your friend.

Conference, if what is offered doesn't fit I think its up to you to pay the extra why should a client be out of pocket more due to you preferring to get up later? So again I'm with client in this case.

I get it your sleep/routine is important but think for one off events as you've statedin post yo perhaps need to be a bit more flexible.

Azaeleasinbloom · 12/06/2023 11:29

If you were my friend, or I was your client, I would try to be understanding and flexible, but your posts seem to make it very clear that such flexibility is not reciprocated.
To me, that’s what is so annoying.

I do get that you need your sleep, and trust me I am the same, but I think it is up to you to find ways to reset your rhythm so that you can fulfil obligations, or take turns in matching other people’s timings. It is so very one way at the moment,