AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

what are your vitamin D levels OP?
Have you been away on holiday with these friends before, are they aware how your sleep pattern will affect you all ?

I'd be seriously considering dropping you if I were your client. Your inflexibility must be really frustrating.

I also suspect this is as much as psychological issue as it is a physical one. You've built it up in your head that you can't possibly function unless you sleep in until 10am, yet you aren't willing to try to a one-off to see how you actually get on.

I'd also be eye rolling if I were your friends. A mid-morning flight is so much more expensive and it cuts into the first day.

It seems to me you need to be clearer in your messaging here.

In the title of this post you describe it as a “preference”. If you’re telling people that then of course they are going to be prissy with you because they are therefore hearing you say your preference to lie in bed half the morning is more important than their wants and needs. So you’re not helping yourself at all here if you think this a genuine medical issue.

Let your friends book the cheap flight and travel alone separately. Your preference for a lie in shouldn’t cost them money. Or don’t go. Lie a pp said, poor them sharing with you and your Uber rigid routine that doesn’t bend for anyone.

Similarly with your client, suck it up for a couple of days or book accommodation nearby. If that’s too much to stomach cancel and take the consequences of an upset client.

The entitlement here is staggering.

I don’t understand why you can’t go to bed at 8/9pm? I’m the same with sleep, I feel physically ill if I don’t get enough, I also have insomnia which has flair ups and ebbs. As a result of living with that for years I know I need to go to bed at 8pm to get 8-9hrs sleep (and wake at 8am). You’ve not got a limiting illness, you’ve got a wrong routine. Once you’ve sorted that you’ll be able to function as normal. Good luck.

OP I sympathise. I have an autoimmune disease where I am ultra sensitive to perfume, I get awful ulcers in my mouth when I get too close to people wearing it. Large group of hugging friends make it awful for me. I recently decided against going to a good friends special party because I would be so poorly in the days after.

people just don’t get it unfortunately. 💐💐

You have found a routine that suits you sadly for the majority of people your routine doesn’t work for them and you will loose friends/clients along the way.

Regarding the holiday I would let your friends go on their own as it will cause problems on holiday if they want to go out and do something earlier then 10am or they are too loud and wake you up.

Do you have children? Or planing on having children?

I can completely agree with you on this one! I'm at the opposite end of the scale where I can't keep my eyes open after 9:30pm and I'm always awake by 6am. I also need a full 8 hours and feel like death on anything less. The days after the nights when I'm asleep after 10 or get disturbed are horrific. If I'm woken up after 4am then I'm awake for the day. And I do try turning over and going back to sleep but it just doesn't happen!

Luckily for me, the early rising is acceptable and it's only my partner that gets annoyed that I can't stay up late. It's amazing that you went freelance as a solution to problem. Just stick to your guns as you know what works for you. It's miserable being so tired you can't function.

I think you need to suck it up.

I'm a shit sleeper. Some nights I've slept really badly and I'm exhausted the next day. I slap a smile on my face, get on with it and hope I sleep better the next night.

That's life I'm afraid.

The two issues you have mentioned are reasonably easily solved

Friends going on holiday - yes they are correct, getting to the airport at 5.00 a.m. for 7.30 a.m. flight is what you do for holidays..obviously nobody WANTS to get up at that time but they are right, it's fun and everyone goes a bit daft having a pint or prosecco or 06.30 a.m. If it means you don't get any sleep the night before, well the body can cope and will find a way , maybe you'll drop off on the plane.

If you really don't want to get up at that time, you can travel alone and join them later. I wonder how your sleep patterns will affect the holiday though?

The client thing - you can claim a misunderstanding, either they pay for a hotel nearby the venue or they cancel your place. It's far too presumptuous of them to expect you to commute for two hours.

No. that's YOUR life. OP has changed hers for the better.

She doesn't have to live your way....it doesn't sound too great for you, why would she want to?

I think being this inflexible will not work long term with friends or professionally because lots of people have health issues or caring responsibilities or other very valid reasons to set boundaries around their time but it quickly becomes impossible to respect them all. If I was going on holiday and knew (and presumably accepted) you wouldn't be up until late morning every day, I would be very frustrated that you couldn't be flexible to get an early flight one time. You getting a later flight may not inconvenience your friends but they probably already feel they are accommodating you and are fed up that you can't reciprocate even as a one off.

The conference is a different issue. Clearly a miscommunication but its up to you whether the opportunity is worth paying for a hotel or having less sleep. If it isn't your client may be annoyed, but you may have loads of clients and can afford to lose this one.

Generally if you want to interact with others professionally or personally there does need to be a bit of give and take or I think you will struggle to sustain this. Are there really no other steps you can take to identify and manage this issue?

With your friends, I'd find it annoying, but would accept the suggestion that you pay more to fly later. Although to be honest unless it's hundreds more, I'll always opt for a later flight and leisurely start to a holiday than having to be up too early. But from what you say, you're not really suited to traveling with friends if your bedtimes are so regimented.

Regarding the client - with your sleep requirements, you should have checked in advance if accommodation was included, but once you found out it wasn't then it's up to you to sort. Sounds like they are already spending money for you to be there, but honestly not being able to get out of bed at what is a reasonable hour for most (especially as a one off) sounds incredibly unprofessional unless your whole work life revolves around night time hours.

No it wouldn't.

It’s interesting how we can accommodate different cultures, diets, and sexuality etc but we can’t accept that not everyone’s body clock is the same…..
Some very harsh comments in here…

OP has gone freelance so she can choose her own hours and clients know those hours and accept them. Sounds like a great solution and OP is much happier.

If you know people well enough to holiday together, they must know about your sleep patterns? It’s not like you are asking someone to travel alone… the two can go over together and you get a later flight! It’s Spain for goodness sake, the flight is only a few hours…. I think your friend needs to get a grip!

As for the conference…. Well, you were told all expenses would be paid. That usually means a hotel. If they expected you to stay with your parents they should have said so… that is not your fault they can’t communicate. If the conference would help you professionally I might just book somewhere and suck it up, but if it doesn’t, then I would be very clear…. There seems to have been some misunderstanding. You stated all expenses would be paid. I was not aware you expected me to commute from Kent….. that would not be possible. It would be a two hour commute which is not something I can undertake. It was kind of you to offer me tickets, but in the circumstances I will not be able to attend. You may of course end up loosing this client…

You have worked your career around this issue very successfully. It seems to be other people that have the problem with it!

If OP is anything like me she will be physically unable to sleep at the earlier time. Nothing to do with a 'wrong routine.'

Sounds like you are happy with your life and have found what works for you. With regards to the conference which they offered to pay for "expenses", it sounds like you are there to represent them in some way? If you are there for your benefit as much as theirs, then expecting you to drive in 2hours in the morning is unprofessional. I can see why they might have thought that was an option but should have said that. It is up to you as to if you'll pay for the accommodation or just not attend. But I think this is a learning experience of getting it established what they'll be paying for and what they're expecting you to arrange.

With regards to the friends and the holiday. It sounds like they do not understand your condition, which is understandable as I'm not sure whats going on? It sounds like more than just insomnia. I am thinking fibromyalgia or ME/chronic fatigue syndrome. It might be worth speaking to your GP about this and seeing if they want to do any investigations or just slap a diagnosis on you. Mine just told me it is chronic fatigue syndrome and left me to sort myself out, which I was happy with. Now, ME and chronic fatigue have been combined. I could use ME if wanted, but don't bother. Sometimes, it helps with friends to get them to read up on ME.

A client not paying your time- over a weekend!! and now not paying your accommodation having said they were covering your expenses is a simple "piss take" on their part, no matter whatever the reasons it doesn't suit you, as you said you could have just said no my parents cant host me, did I say they could? clearly they know way too much about you if they know you've done this before, well they cant get refund on ticket they will just have to pass it to someone else, or sort you out local accommodation. Unless you want to go anyway and find yourself some accommodation you do say its a good opportunity.

Flights with friends can be fraught, but 7 am flights could be out for a lot of people as that is potentially a case of arriving at airport with delays at 5 am for check in and transport there, some people have issues with children or pets that stop them doing early flights like this, I think that would be seen as reasonable and so should you doing what suits your body clock so you don't arrive on holidays in a fog for the next 24 hours, before assuming as friends they already know you have sleep issues, so what is the point telling you you are self absorbed, what is the price difference for the later flights?

But imagine how lousy you'd feel if 'some nights' were 'every night'...

Let your friends book the cheap flight and travel alone separately. Your preference for a lie in shouldn’t cost them money. Or don’t go. Lie a pp said, poor them sharing with you and your Uber rigid routine that doesn’t bend for anyone.

The OP specifically states that she's happy to get the later flight by herself and meet them there. It's one of the friends who has decided this isn't good enough because it's 'fun' to travel together.

It isn't the OP who's being rigid or entitled on that one.

I absolutely understand OP. I feel limited on holiday because I'm not able to join the day tour that leaves the hotel at 8am. DS goes to bed at 9pm and sets out for work at 6.30am. I would rather work evenings. You've gone freelance and you should totally be able to set hours that suit you. However, your time in bed is unproductive if you're not getting to sleep until 3am. Have a look in YouTube - there's this Indian guru guy (Saddhu?) who addresses this kind of thing. I don't think getting up later is some kind of moral defect, but it does sound as if you need some help with your sleep pattern.

So what are you going to do?

Have you told the client you won't go to the conference, meaning they are out of pocket? They've already made it clear they are annoyed / frustrated with you.

Are you going to leave it like that? Do you think that's in your best interests?

"I would go back to the client and say you're sorry but you haven't found a better solution than to work with your internal body clock, and as long as you do everything's fine.

Then find somewhere to stay near the course and ask them to pay half"

Terrible advice, & entirely wrong mindset for freelancer. Conference is training course described by OP themselves as "great opportunity". Presumably learn/brush up skills, network, maybe even meet new clients. All good.

OP has previously stayed with parents for free. No reason for client to assume this would have been issue this time. OP suddenly divulges personal problem that prevents work during normal business hours.

Solution - if you want to keep client - is not to get hotel room and demand half from client who seems to have acted with best of intentions. That's how suppliers get replaced.

OK, if OP is so badass that nobody can replace them, fine, more power to their elbow. They can do what they like, charge what they like. But how many people/companies in each profession or business at that level? Handful?

Utterly unrealistic.

My friends and I are staying in an apartment which is paid for. There are two rooms - my friends will be sharing the larger room with the ensuite and I will get the small one on my own. My friends know about my condition and whilst I have holidayed with other friends and friend B, never friend A. Friend B was relaxed and got up when I did about 10am. My other friends have gone to breakfast without me and i've grabbed a bite later. I am very flexible and easy going with encouraging others to do their plans, and I'll join when I can, other than breakfast I never missed anything. I am really go with the flow throughout the day when it comes to activities, restaurants, bars etc.

For those saying just go to bed earlier, you just don't get it. It's not a solution and doesn't work.

For those saying just suck it up every now and then, it is so horrendous I feel incredibly ill for 2 days. What is worth being ill for two days for?

Unfortunately I am not well off at all financially and my condition does cost me more e.g. own room, own transfers, less income. This will be my only holiday this year and the accommodation is paid for already so dropping out would be a shame. Paying for accommodation for 4 nights in London is unaffordable for me.

I feel I am making an enormous compromise. I have compromised my dream job, I have missed out on many moments and opportunities, I end up paying more e.g. late check out fees, I have little free time as I have to work from 10.30am to 9pm to make up for lost work hours. I feel incredibly misunderstood and ashamed. I feel like I have a disability and I am being called a lazy slob.

It no longer feels like a choice, but getting up late feels like a basic necessity to function.

OFGS people have different circadian rhythms! I can’t believe how censorious most if these posters are. OP has found what works fir them and her choices don’t affect anyone but herself. They are not insulting or limiting in the slightest.

OP keep doing what works for you, unashamedly.