AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

The client thing would annoy me because they didn't clarify their expectations before booking - they said they would cover expenses which any sane person would take that to mean accomodation too. They should have said they wouldn't cover overnight accom before buying your tain tickets.

I also don't see the issue with you flying on later to meet your friends on holiday.

However, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you with such stringent sleep requirements - please tell me you aren't sharing a room? Also being tied in the morning to waiting for whatever time you surface would annoy me. Going ahead somewhere and being contactable and keeping an eye on you messaging to find where we are would piss me off. And what about the time difference etc and possibility you might not sleep well on holiday - sounds like the knock on effect of that would be a complete PITA to be around.

So you'd be a non holiday friend for me

People do get so fucking sanctimonious about waking early though, why can't people accept that some people's circadian rythyms are different.

Frankly you will lose clients and possibly friends if you continue on this path.

Most freelancers are not generally invited
to conferences so you’ve turned a positive act into a negative by setting boundaries on it.

I’d be banging on the door of the GP to find out why you need 10 hours sleep per night.

That’s a good point. Will your sleep patterns affect your holiday on a day to day basis? Has this been discussed already with your friends if there’s a possibility of incompatible day structures?

I mean you do whatever works for you - but I don't think your friends are particularly unreasonable about the flights.

Do they know you don't set alarms and need to be in bed for 10pm ish? That's not many hours to explore in holiday if you're up at 9/10/11am tbh! Might be more problematic than just the flight?

The client one is slightly different - did you expect a local hotel to be part of the expenses? That probably should have been clarified before the booking and accepting of a place.

It's a tough one, you can run your life however works best for you and your health but I don't think you can't expect the rest of the world to fully understand or accommodate it all of the time.

I'm puzzled by the people who think that you're being inflexible etc with your clients. Regardless of the sleep thing, they invited you to a conference where your time is unpaid, but they said they would pay all expenses - and are now saying that they in fact won't do that, and instead are expecting you to do a 4 hour all round commute each day? No way would I do that, when I'm not even being paid! The whole needing to sleep in late thing is utterly irrelevant in that instance.

This.

You know, people can actually live their life to suit themselves. It's ok not to do things the way that suit others.

OP is not demanding that her friends get a later flight, she is not asking them to accomodate her or change anything. They can get their flight and she can meet them later. They're being dicks for expecting her to suit them, not the other way around.

The other thing sounds like a miscommunication and is different because it is work. I would say its too late to change things now, so you do need to book your own accomodation or get up early as a one off. Next time be much clearer about your hours of availability and arrangements.

I think people can't bear the thought that OP can actually live to suit herself, because they know how much they don't do that. It is actually ok for women not to be martyrs to everyone else.

I sympathize Op, especially about the holiday and the conference. Expecting you to commute like that is unreasonable. But it's a lesson for the future - always check a client's expectations!

Ii can't see the issue with the flights if you've said you'll get a later one and see then there

Work - if it's a good opportunity I would cover my own expenses to stay in a hotel as a 2 hr commute for 10.30 isn't hugely a big ask - and it's your needs that make it so.

Hope you get something sorted as it sounds really difficult

my friend is like this shes lucky her current emplyer is flexible as shes always late

says she got insominia but doesnt make an effort to change anything-i have chronic fatigue but can still get up early for a flight its is exchausting but one of those things

OP do you have delayed sleep phase syndrome? I do, and it sounds a lot like it. Even if you don't have it, I can completely relate to your problem as I've had a lifetime of this. It is a real problem and it's damned hard.

A lot of ignorance being shown about sleep difficulties on this thread - 'just go to bed earlier', 'go to the doctor' etc. If OP has a circadian rhythm disorder these measures will be of little benefit. Lifestyle accommodations such as going self-employed as OP has done (and as I had to at one point for the same reason) are often the only answer.

Suppose you do go with your friends, on a later flight or not. They would probably expect you to be up earlier than 10am. Are you ready for that?

Many people struggle with the standard 9–5 day arrangement.

When it comes to professional appointments, are you high-flying enough that you can cherry pick all your work and set it out in written terms and conditions that you will not under any circumstances start a commute until 10am and still get enough work? If so, I suppose you can carry on as your are.

Unfortunately it seems desperately inflexible and quite selfish to not be willing to sometimes conform to the norm or to do what's best for the team rather than just your own needs.

Everyone has stuff they struggle with and if everyone dug their heels in and only did what works for them everything would grind to a halt. All sorts of people with medical conditions, disabilities, dependants to care for, financial constraints have to constantly navigate these and do their best to function to fit in with others in order to work and sustain friendships.

I think people can't bear the thought that OP can actually live to suit herself, because they know how much they don't do that. It is actually ok for women not to be martyrs to everyone else.

This 100%.

When I look at some of the replies people make on Mumsnet (not just about this kind of issue) I honestly believe some people are judgy because they hate their lives and can't change anything and they envy people who are able to make things a little easier for themselves. Why shouldn't they, if they can? Life is short. Besides which, years and years of cumulative sleep deprivation (I accept everyone with kids goes through that, but it's usually finite and I'm talking a person's whole working life here) have a real detrimental effect on health.

I think you need to find out if there is a medical reason behind your sleep issue, or if something such as changing the time you eat or even going to bed earlier will help.

My first thought was long Covid but from what you describe it has been for many years before that.

Meanwhile your honesty about early appointments should be respected.

People who are saying 'nobody likes an early flight' are completely discounting that you have a different body clock to them. I've read recently that forcing yourself to get up at the crack of dawn each day when you are one of the few who finds it impossible, actually takes years off your life as it puts your body under so much stress. I'm a night owl and do my most productive work in the evenings, but I've forced myself to get up at 9 am each day to be able to function with other people. That's my compromise and the earliest I can do. Nothing would make me get up at 4 am just to save a few pounds on a flight.

Your client should have included hotel accommodation in 'expenses paid'. It's unreasonable to expect someone to commute 4 hours each day. It sounds like that relationship could be at an end anyway if she's gone 'frosty' with you.

I'm very surprised you haven't lost your clients over this.
Your friends should be more understanding but 10am is the middle of the morning, I wouldn't be happy going away on holiday with someone who slept half the morning away or wouldn't even do a one off getting up early.

I don't think anyone is suggesting OP should be a martyr. She should be upfront with her friends, however- not fair on them if she's intending to keep to her usual sleep pattern over the holiday. People go on a group trip in expectation of spending time together so if that's not going to be viable due to different sleep schedules, she should mention it.

It sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome in all honesty - to have such an extreme reaction after not getting 8 hours sleep.

Your friends need to shut up if you’re happy to take a later flight at your expense.

I think it’s cheap of your clients to tell you to stay overnight at yours parents when they live 2 hours from the venue.
How does that work with the train tickets, are they paying for the 2 hour commute from your parents as well.
Youve not said how old you are, but if you’ve got a long wait until retirement, I would be exploring ways to manage this better, or you’ll be missing out on a lot of stuff both professionally and personally by the sounds of it.

If you really, truly can't manage even the occasional one off early start then I guess nobody is being unreasonable, but it will limit the way you can holiday and the kind of work you can do.

The flight thing wouldnt bother me if a friend did this though it does detract a bit from the group thing. I am in two minds about the client though. I wouldn't be happy if i paid for a service that didn't run business hours. Have you looked at vitamins? Also eat things with melatonin in them. How physically active are you? That can make a huge difference to quality of sleep. Also if you got up earlier would you not naturally sleep earlier? If I didn't wake till 9 am I wouldn't sleep till 11.30 pm most nights as I wake at 7 for the dcs I go to bed at 9.30 to 10 pm

I had a period of suffering from insomnia and it was genuinely awful as I also had a baby at the time so there was no option to sleep in either. The only thing that worked for me (because I was desperate) was to stay up all night on coffee and power through to the following day. I fell asleep pretty much instantly the following night and haven’t suffered with my sleep since.

Sleep issue aside - clients are being CF! If you've bought your non-refundable conference ticket and are expected to pay for travel and accommodation what exactly are the expenses they're paying for?!

Circadian rhythms and body clocks are scientific fact that have been known about for aeons.

I have a friend who goes to bed by 8pm.

But nobody minds that because it works well with the virtue approved by capitalism of being at your desk at 7:30 am.

And patriarchy because it means she's home in plenty of time to put dinner on the table for her husband at 6:30.

I would go back to the client and say you're sorry but you haven't found a better solution than to work with your internal body clock, and as long as you do everything's fine.

Then find somewhere to stay near the course and ask them to pay half.

If I was told my expenses would be paid for an unpaid weekend course in London I'd assume that meant accommodation. Because that's the main expense isn't it?

Oh you're plying your trade again...