AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

absolutely.

Using the sleep pattern as an argument also make the whole discussion sounds childish and unprofessional.

The issue is having to fork out for a hotel when the offer was "all expenses paid".

These are one off situations so yes YABU

My sleep was severely disrupted for about 3 years, and I mentioned in passing to my doctor that a good night was when I got 4 hours. I was working full time, starting at 7 am and just couldn’t sleep properly. He was totally shocked and told me I could not go on like that and should be aiming for 6 hours a night minimum.

He put me on meds immediately. It took about 5 years to get to the stage of being able to sleep up to 8 hours. It sounds like you have the opposite issue - that you are sleeping for too long.

Do you have ADHD? Delayed sleep disorder and not being alert in the mornings is a very typical hallmark of that. Many also end up freelance for the sole reason that getting up on a typical office schedule will destroy them in the long run.

I could have written your post, however I can make myself get up early for exceptional occasions like a flight or crucial work appointments. Sleeping late as a non-negotiable every single day is a bit more problematic. Not entirely unreasonable to be miffed at someone who refuses to wake up for that.

The reasonable thing for the early flight is to suck it up and try to snooze on the plane. Travelling 2hrs before 10am to a conference sounds ridiculous so it would not be unreasonable at all to book a hotel. If this was a serious client then they would have offered accommodation. (Cannot fathom why someone in a professional relationship with a service provider would expect them to stay with their parents? Unless you are personal friends or related to this client?)

Nope - I'm just seeing a problem that I know is easy to fix. Any good remedial hypnotherapist would be able to deal with it.

I would also be ill for two days if I got up for a flight at 4 am. I have been in the past. That wouldn't be much fun for the friends on holiday, would it?

Sorry, that was in reply to @PuffinsRocks

@notokaywiththetropes well it's not working out too well for her, is it?

She's alienating friends and clients

But yes, encourage her to bash on, by all means.

But the issue is that it isn't working for OP. She says herself it's costing her loads and she's missing out on things as a result. Which is a shame for OP.

This, it just sounds ridiculous and over dramatic otherwise x

Mine slept midnight till noon for the first couple of years. (As did I as a baby.)

In 12 years I can count on the fingers of 1 hand the number of times she’s woken before 7am.

I have insomnia too - I get the going to bed early and waiting for sleep. You are so physically tired you have to be horizontal - there are studies to show even if you are at rest but not asleep that's more beneficial physiologically. I had 3 hours on Sat night due to drinking alcohol at a friends wedding on Sat - I was exhausted and thought I'd sleep last night but my brain had other plans. It feels like your brain is against you doesn't it OP? I work in a hospital and had to be here for 7am regardless so I don't have the flexibility you do. At least you have some control.

What's your DP's take on your situation?

my DP is very supportive. He gets up early, goes the the gym and carries on with his day

Get some melatonin tablets or something to help you sleep more easily, especially as a one-off. Or even go on a hike that day to physically wear yourself out and have no caffeine that day too.

Your client can fuck off, they should absolutely pay for your accommodation costs.

Don't give in OP. Make it clear if they won't pay for the accommodation in advance then you will not be attending.

And as you're paying for your flight and transfer I don't see why your 'friend' should object to you taking a later flight. Don't go, it sounds like she will make your holiday miserable.

I'm like you ksglag - most definitively a nightowl. There's nothing wrong with you - you and I and plenty of others just have different body clocks. I have a theory - way back when there were sabre toothed tigers on the prowl, someone in the clan / extended family group needed to stay awake to keep the fire burning and to keep watch in general. People like us and people who wake at the crack of dawn kept the clan safe whilst they slept. I've seen anthropologists also ague this point, but can't give you who.

So don't let people guilt you by saying you should go to bed earlier, take sleeping tablets (I have another theory here - I think a lot of people who think they have insomnia, are actual nightowls and if they could follow their body clock they wouldn't need sleeping tablets.)

I too have a job where I sometimes start at 10am on mornings and finish at 9.30pm in the evenings. Suits me just fine,

However, and it's important - sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do in order for a larger benefit, and honestly I think an holiday flight and a one off conference someone else is paying for comes under this category.

I acknowledge your nightowl nature but sometimes you need to suck it up

Why does everything have to be the friends way or nothing? Sorry but the op has stated why she needs it. In the grand scheme of things, does it truly matter if she goes later? And she meets them there. Let everyone do what they want to do. I don't why people are making such a fuss.

And that sort of attitude is, in a nutshell, why the OP has to manage her sleep carefully.

Bit of a tangent but you probably need to rethink the whole holiday thing.
your both annoyed/frustrated over the flight already. You’re not going to get up early on holiday either. Does your friend know this and understands that you wont be going out in the morning? Will that stress her out?
Are we up going to get a thread in a few weeks with 2 unhappy holiday makers?

But it's impacting her life negatively, otherwise she wouldn't be posting about it on here. So not a change for the better.

I think 10am or not is irrelevant for the conference - I wouldn't be doing 4 hours commuting a day and that's not a normal expectation.

I also don't really see why you need to work til 9pm every night - 10:30 is only 1.5 hours late so you would expect to need to work til 18:30 or 19:00.

What do you do in bed every night for 5 hours while waiting to get to sleep?

I don't know. Insomnia this severe, that renders her absolutely unable to manage even an occasional one-off early start, does sound like it needs some assistance.

Re the conference - I work for myself too and if something would be worth going to unpaid, it would (for me) be worth paying for a hotel for (which can be offset as business expenses, presumably - doesn't cover the whole cost but does help a bit). I have clients who might have budget for travel expenses for something like this, but not for accommodation as well. They made the assumption that it would be doable for you to stay with your parents and travel in because clearly you have done it before. For you to then say 'if you won't pay for a hotel for me I'm not coming' really doesn't come across very well, tbh. Because the issue is yours, the cost should be yours too.

You were lucky mine hardly ever slept😂

Thinking more of school runs when a child is older and has to leave the house by 8:30am or when they have a little show/reading morning for parents at 9am, what would the op do then?

I am very chatty with my clients and it's very friendly I often discuss about visiting my parents and getting into London easily from there. I think they maybe don't understand its 2h or they may feel a lot of workers commute from my parents area.

It's a 20m walk to the train station from my parents. Have to get there 10m early. It's just over an hours train ride and 30m travel across London to the venue.