Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

It was just a bad joke 🤣 I was trying to say that I feel invisible in mass, they don't even look at us.

It took DH and I about 2 months to book in our son's baptism in the UK. A lot of back and fourth but we got there finally.

It is frustrating but please don't take it personally, we don't know our priest very well either.

> I can't understand why

OP The last Magdalene laundry in Ireland closed in 1996.

With this attitude to 'fallen women', why is it that you can't understand why you are being shunned?

Well, they wouldn't be far wrong would they?

Smacks of a power mad priest tbh, sees the church as his own possesion and his congregation too for tht matter

Gatekeeping to this level has always seemed very UN Christian to me

Is the OP in Ireland because my Facebook is full of unmarried people getting their babies baptised from all around the country. I don't think it's an issue here

I would understand this if I was asking to sign the paperwork to apply for the school but not for baptism when we were going almost every single weekend for a year!

Unmarried couple...this would be it.
Or they think you just want a good in with the school.

Why not be atheists? Life will be so much easier.

Baptism course are absolutely normal.
We had a full day course when we were preparing for marriage. A two hour course over two weekends when we wanted our DC Baptised. Months and months of lessons to prepare for DC’s Holy Communions.

Our children also go to Catholic school. Attendance at Mass was mandatory from birth and the Priest has to sign a form to say that he knew you and you were a regular and consistent member of the Parish.

I’d contact the diocesan Bishop and ask. The unmarried aspect could be the issue, but they should still welcome a baptism of a new member of the faith. The church has moved on from those rather old fashioned rules to better reflect society - tho you may have a very old school priest there- the Bishop may be able to provide guidance to the priest.

Are you sure it's a Catholic Church ? No priest leaves after the sermon, that would be half way through Mass.

I agree, that doesn't sound possible.

However a grumpy old priest (especially if Irish) who makes no effort to be welcoming does sound like several Catholic parishes I know, starting with Crouch End and Walthamstow. If it happens to be either if those it's nothing personal and not related to marital status - they just HATE when people who have never darkened the door of the church suddenly come running when they have a baby and need to get them into a particular school. They can spot it a mile off, and I know several very respectable married families who have run into it.

As far as tea and cake after mass...that is mainly for Anglicans. If you're Catholic you get a slap in the head and count yourself lucky, and you're there to pray, not make friends

Is going to church meant to be this difficult? It sounds like really hard work.
maybe find a different church?

i'm a practicing catholic.

if it's a bigger parish (you mention a school), then it's much more likely the priest will be a lot busier and not have the time to individually greet people.

usually in the larger parishes the baptism program and the RCIA classes are run by parish staff and not the priest himself, who will likely be too busy.

it's also likely if there's a school attached to the church that a lot of the socialising will be arranged through there.

if you'd like some one-on-one time with the priest, i would suggest calling the rectory and making an appointment to see him. also, from my experience, it's better to arrive earlier and grab the priest before mass as he's likely to have more time.

i highly doubt it's anything to do with you not being married. i just think your expectations may be slightly too high.

I have never been greeted by a priest before or after mass. Granted, it has been a good 20 years since I went to mass, but my first conversation with out parish priest was about my mother when he came to her wake and he was preparing for her funeral.

Btw as a lifelong Catholic I would say this is a great time to switch to the Anglicans - they are ace! Playgroups, yoga, cake, summer camp...check out their schools, because it is basically the same religion but nicer.

Your first thought is that the catholic school is the best in the area..

it would appear that’s why you’ve found your catholic faith?

not sure why you couldn’t attend mass when pregnant?

the priest is assuming you want to attend church to get into the school, is he right?

the rest of the congregation are not the least bit bothered how beautiful your baby is or isn’t.

Married or unmarried shouldn't make a difference. My sister had her 2 children baptised and she wasn't married at that time. She just had to attend the baptismal preparation course, I think it was one hour a week for 6 weeks.

If the priest has more than one parish to look after then he may have to dash off to say another mass hence not greeting the parishioners. Can you maybe get to mass early and see if you can speak to him before mass starts?

They are probably used to parents just getting their child baptised in order to get a school place (not saying this applies to you op!)

I think there must be some sort of miscommunication as it doesn’t sound normal. Churches can be disorganised though. And priests can be odd.

I am from a traditionally conservative Catholic country. Many unwed parents had their babies baptised in the Church. I remember a kerfuffle a few years ago when a single mum from South America wrote to Pope Francis complaining that no local priest would baptise her baby. He wrote to the bishop ordering that someone do so immediately.

So it isn’t clear to me what the problem is. I agree with PPs that it may be time to complain higher up. FWIW, bishops literally cannot afford to lose sight of the bottom line. If you and your DP are wanting to ‘support’ a parish and you can use other terms suggestive of the desire to become a financially upstanding member of the Catholic community (no need to specify numbers) so much the better.

This is both ironic and sad. Very best wishes

He leaves straight after the sermon?
He doesn't even finish Mass?!
There's no such thing as "Baptism courses"... what country are you in?

Maybe he has loads of parents turning up claiming to be catholic to get their kids into the best school in town and wants to weed out the true catholics ??

Honestly I would have a shop around and try the High Anglicans. Failing that, the Non Conformists will no doubt welcome you with open arms and a big smile.

I don't think it's the unmarried thing. You've probably just got unlucky with the parish/priest, which sadly isn't that uncommon. Some friends of mine moved recently and are really disappointed with their new local parish, in fact after several months they have had to give up and now drive to a further away parish. Sounds like you might need to do the same, at least until the priest moves on.

If you’re unmarried then I imagine they will consider you’re sinning every day by Co-habiting.
If you can’t demonstrate that you live by Catholic Church rules (no sex before marriage - it’s a big one!!) they’re unlikely to want to baptise your baby as you will be effectively lying when you promise (on the baby’s behalf) to live a good catholic life. This is part of the baptism ritual.

Other members will ignore you as they’ll all know you’re unmarried and they won’t want to be seen to socialise with you.
Sorry.

The majority of my extended family don’t speak to me as I lived with a partner. It’s just how it is sometimes.