Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

For info if you are UK, the priest doesn't allocate the school places the local authority does. Both my children go to Catholic schools.
True to an extent but at DC’s school (in England) there is a further supplementary form, which must be signed by the Priest and has to be given in to the school. This form is then considered by the admissions committee of the school.

Duff church. Can you find another? I am faithless, so I don’t really know how any of it works. I wouldn’t bow to the whims of a disinterested man, though.

I'm a practising Catholic.

My guess is he's twigged you're not married and he thinks that you're attending for the school place.

Or he's old and anti social like a lot of prieats and you're reading too much into it. Just ask him.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this comment! 😬

Ah, I've just read that OP had to declare her non-married status in a registration form. That could be the reason, but TBH I'm surprised if it is as people aren't exactly queueing up to join churches these days, and everybody's weekly financial contribution counts 😐 Do they still send out the packs of envelopes with family names written on, so that they can know what each family is giving each week?

Surely a parish newsletter should give advice or at least contact details for arranging sacraments like baptism. I attend a rather large parish and the priest only does the class and gives the sacrament. The registration and arrangement of the actual baptism is done through the parish office.

I'm an Anglican but what I understand is that the RC church has a range of different views and practices the same as we do. Could it be that your church is on the more conservative end of the faith. I know that there are some Anglican churches where if you walked in with a baby out of wedlock you'd probably get some odd looks and poor treatment. Thankfully they are few but they do exist. If that is the case, you need to find a more welcoming place to worship with a broad outlook.

Also, if the church is linked to good schools I suspect that they find it wearing to have a procession of fairweather Christians who turn up just long enough to get the endorsement for the school place and the are never seen again. That is the case at my church, although recently the school increased the length of time evidence is required for regular worshipping and that seems to have reduced this phenomenon and also increased the number of regular families who attend even after their child has got a place (obviously long enough to form a habit).

One thing I did not appreciate though was the lack of fellowship at the end of the service. This is really different from the Anglican church. Although often our priests do have to leave straight after Sunday morning services as they have more than one parish to attend to!

I had no idea it was a thing to "register" with a church. CofE you just turn up if you want to. God's house welcomes everyone & all that.

My thinking is that he thinks you're just after the school place as you are unmarried and, therefore, strictly speaking - not devout catholics/living by Catholic rules.

😂

😁

@Justputitdown "
Or he's old and anti social like a lot of prieats and you're reading too much into it. Just ask him."
What has his age got to do with it?

Well I went to Mass every week for 2 YEARS with my DH and child before we got married. I just didn't take Communion. No one shunned us, we were welcomed and our Priest was a gruff Irish man.

We have single mums in our Parish, whose children are very involved in Parish life.

I think this is down to the fact that the Priest thinks you are fairweather Catholics with an eye on a good school. That being said, he should not refuse to baptise your child.

You can go to mass all you want but you can hardly pretend you're fully believing and practicing the faith if you're not following one of the most basic rules of the faith of no sex outside of marriage 🙄. And I say that as a very lapsed Catholic.

Hahaha I was thinking the same. My MIL is the priest at our local church - honestly never mind bolting after the sermon - getting her away at the end on a Sunday is mission impossible. She just loves a good chat, with just about anyone. We have a special session for tiny children before the main one mid morning, but children are very welcome, and newcomers barely get through the door before being swooped on.
Oh and as for the cake....well let's say there is plenty of that.
She can spot a mile off those who are in it just for a school place, but given that you are attending regularly, are baptised yourselves...not the typical profile. Even if it was the case, she wouldn't just blank you. In the Anglican Church she wouldn't judge about the not being married thing, but perhaps Catholics would. Could this have something to do with it.

Our parish priest wouldn’t agree to baptise a baby if he hadn’t see you before. You would be expected to attend for white some time. I suppose from his point of view, you’ve had a baby and are thinking ahead to school references and have decided to attend for that.

It won’t be personal - it sounds like an issue with the Priest. Very odd not to stay and greet people after Mass; I’ve never known that before.

Is there another RC church locally you could try? Stay and chat to other young families afterwards too.

"forgot to mention that when the priest talked to us about the baptism course, he told us that we have to study a lot and gave us a book.

He mentioned that even though we were Catholics, if we were out of practice, we wouldn't be able to answer his questions. I was blown away; I've been studying all week because I think he's going to purposely ask difficult questions to prevent the baptism."

He knows you're only in it for the school place and has decided to make the entrance exam tough with a high pass mark. Fair enough I reckon.

Is there much difference between the Catholic school and the next best one?

Having attended the 'best' Catholic schools as a child and teen, I chose not to baptise or send my own children to them.

It's brainwashing, school trips are to boring religious places, nowhere fun and the sex ed was, looking back, quite bloody frightening. "Don't have sex before marriage or you WILL catch an STD"

@Igneococcus here they stay, meet and greet parishioners, even have tea and biscuits at the parish hall afterwards

I’m going to try to be gentle.
Maybe this priest has bad social skills and there are issues in the parish. Sadly this is a common issue in the Church at the moment.
However as an unmarried couple, living together with a baby you are putting him in a very awkward position. As a Catholic Are you aware of this?
Sex before marriage is a mortal sin. You need to speak to him about making a confession and making arrangements to get married. Then the baptism of your baby is probably much more likely.
Kindly, I say this with true concern for your spiritual well being and that of your baby - it is the teaching of the church that sex before marriage is wrong, that living together as an unmarried couple is a near occasion of sin. That’s probably why he has been so evasive.
This about why you are not married and why you are living together.
Im sure you love each other very much and that is a good and excellent thing. But the promises of baptism include the obligation to bring you baby up as a Catholic. And that’s tricky if you are not married - one of the foundations of Catholicism and a sacrament like marriage.

I have never heard of anyone registering with the Catholic Church in the UK and I have never registered with the Church in all the countries where I have lived. OP are you in the USA where it is standard practice to have to register with your church?

With the currant shortage of priests, ours has to say Mass in two different parishes so he doesn't hang about after Mass, but he does stand by the door to say good bye as people leave. No one hangs around to chat after Mass.
Covid stopped parishioners meeting for coffee after mass and today, Corpus Christie, was the first time that we have had coffee since lockdown.

Being unmarried is not a deterrant to having your child baptised, but you do have to attend "classes" about what that sacrament is, and your role in bringing up your child in the Catholic faith.

OP, it sounds like you expect the Priest to make the first move in welcoming you but you could be more pro active and arrange to have a chat at a more convenient time than after Mass.

This priest sounds horrid. Either contact the parish admin and ask for application details, or if that doesn't work, write to the bishop. You would think churches would be falling over themselves to baptise babies, with falling numbers everywhere. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

Unless things have changed a lot in the last 18 years, I'd be questioning whether this was actually a Catholic church...

We literally rang the priest, said we wanted to get DD baptised (it was a week after she'd been born, I'd attended church throughout pregnancy but not beforehand - had moved into the area after getting pg - and DH had never been inside a church at all) and he gave us a time to pop round, we had a chat, a date was set, we all turned up... and it happened.

No courses, no meeting/quizzing the godparents beforehand, no questions... mind you, we were married - although for all anyone knew I was a single parent! I was welcomed with open arms.

Also, although Father J wasn't a particularly sociable priest, he did stand and nod bye-bye to the parishioners as we left after mass. And the lovely old ladies who sat in the pew behind us were obsessed with DD.

I just don’t recognise this version of the Catholic church, OP.

I’m Catholic, although I converted a number of years after joining the Parish. My husband is Catholic, but only goes to church under duress. In the words of our former, retired Parish nun “we forget you aren’t the Catholic parent”. I am now.

Our priest does shake hands at the door on the way out after Mass, and is then available at the presbytery if needed.

To be honest, I had very similar experiences 20 years ago when trying to get DS baptised, I had been attending the same church we go to now, I then moved away from the parish , but continued attending the same church, when I then wanted DS baptised, he told me to speak to my parish priest, but I had never been there, he wouldn’t know me from Adam! I persisted, DS was baptised,

Incidentally, we attended classes for DS’s baptism, when DD1 was baptised they were between people providing the course, for DD2, they invited us for a chat.

That is not quite true. Of course anyone is welcome to attend and worship at an Anglican church, but we do hold electoral roll of parishioners for each church. These are important as they determine who can vote for and stand for election to the Parochial Church Council. If you want a say in how the church is run then you do need to be on the electoral roll.