Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Schools can defo prioritise on the grounds of religion. I had to send a baptism certificate for a school I ultimately didn’t go for.

I would say the issue is that you aren’t married and child born out of wedlock.

It can depend on where you are ie how strict the church/location is. Sometimes they will be ok with baptism, sometimes they will insist you marry first, sometimes no matter what you do they won’t accept you in; they may see it as bad example to everyone else.

Sad but true.

If you want to take the bull by the horns be straight with them, find out what the problem is and see if anything can be done to remedy the situation to allow you to register your child at the school.

This sounds exactly like the Catholic priest in my area. I know of a lot better f people he has put off attending church. Is there another Catholic church you can attend in a nearby town .

I would contact the Bishop via the Diocese.

I think people are picking on unnecessary things for pickings sake!

I went to Catholic schools and wouldn't know that sermon isnt correct. I don't see what difference that makes to your post anyway.

Also, my friend had her children all christened Catholic and sent to the local Catholic schools and her and her DP were not even engaged, and still aren't married!

I'd probably try the other one even if it's further away to see what that is like. I now attend CofE and they are so lovely!! The vicar speaks to everyone as they leave, then goes to the church hall for tea and cake with the congregation, and the congregation are so welcoming!

not true - see the priority list here attached for the Catholic school our ds went to for a while

After the sermon? Are you sure?

The "main" part of mass is the Liturgy of the Eucharist, which is after the sermon.

Sure, some priests may not chat after mass on a Sunday, but it's VERY normal for them not to on a weekday, for example.

I mean this kindly, but being pregnant is not an excuse to miss Mass. I'm sorry to hear you had PDN (I did, too 😞), but the expected thing would be to talk to the priest and arrange to have communion at home, if you weren't able to attend.

I'm sorry you've been struggling. Please teach out to your priest. He WILL support, but sounds like you're in one of those areas where people just turn up the the odd Mass in the hope of getting their children into a good school.

Just seen you're not married. Are you planning to get married? Sorry, but it IS a big deal for Catholics. Can't have it both ways.

And you say you're Catholic, but in the nicest possible way, it doesn't sound like either of you are "practising".

Just rocking up to mass occasionally isn't it.

Yes, Catholics have lots of rules and ways of being. But, they are what they are. If you want to BE Catholic you have to love like one. You have to take the sacrament of marriage. It's not modern and it's not inclusive, but it very much is what it is.

Sunday and Holy Day mass, unless you're physically incapable, is the absolute minimum.

I think the not married thing shows you are not serious about Catholicism

It really isn’t. Posters on this thread have some very peculiar ideas about Catholicism.

That's not true.

There are exceptions in Equality legislation for religious observance and RC schools, along with Jewish, Muslim, Hindu etc schools can discriminate both in school places and in the staff they employ in some roles.

So an RC school can give preference to an RC teacher when recruiting teachers but not with cleaners or other staff.

Oh the day the catering staff at my school didn't know it was a day of abstinence and cooked meat.

Sr Mary Joseph had to call the bishop to give us a, well I don't know what, permission to eat meat.

Anyway we all had to go to the hall before the angelus bell to be told we were to eat the meat.

Yes we had an angelus bell. No I was not brought up in Ireland.

I am a very very lapsed Catholic. In fact I don't practice any religion now. When my mother married my father (mother Catholic, Father C of E) many many years ago they got married in a registry office. My mother had moved away from home and married my father in his home town. When they came back to my mother's home time the local priest couldn't get them into church quick enough to give them a blessing as in the churches eyes they were living in sin. My mother was told the children had to be brought up as Catholics. My eldest brother indeed went to a Catholic school but the rest of us attended state schools.
Years later my mother was working in a care home for the elderly where she saw the old priest talking to an elderly lady in the corridor. He saw my mother and asked 'Was she one of ours?'
My mother replied 'If you mean is she a Catholic, then no Father!' To which the priest dismissed the elderly lady and walked away. My mother was disgusted!
I don't know if attitudes have changed over the years.

This.

If you don't understand why the Catholic Church isn't happy/comfortable/accepting regarding you not being married, then you're missing something important.

I'm not Catholic but DH is. We had to go through a marriage preparation course and while the priest was very nice and the discussions were interesting, it was clear how central marriage is to Catholic family. It was really a non negotiable. When my children were baptised, the fact we were married was clearly more important than our church attendance (don't attend) or that I'm not Catholic.

I reckon he thinks you're playing pick and choose with the religion.

Not remotely my experience either. Mind you, couldn't really be an issue round our way or there really would be nobody in the churches. Nor do the Catholic schools have any requirements about being practicing!

But British Catholics are a really broad spectrum. There are people who are very religious, and there are others for whom it's more of a cultural identity. We're hearing from both ends in this thread.

It's a sermon in all the RC churches I've ever been in. Google it and you will find podcasts of Catholic sermons, much talk of catholic sermons.

And I never knew of a Catholic church who actually cared who was married or not, for the people who think its that. It's not that.

"I went to Catholic schools and wouldn't know that sermon isnt correct. I don't see what difference that makes to your post anyway."

Hi @IndiaRose22 just to answer your question. The OP said this:

"As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever."

The sermon/homily is given by the priest/celebrant immediately after the gospel. In a Catholic mass, this happens in the first third of service, approx 10-15 mins after it starts.

Holy Communion is always after the gospel/sermon/homily. It was confusing for regular mass attendees as the priest and congregation leaving at this point, before Holy Communion, would be utterly bizarre. If this is happening at the OP's church, it should definitely be reported to the bishop (which many of us have suggested).

It's been fascinating to read everyone's experience of their Catholic church and how they differ. It's abdundently clear the 'strictness' of the parish priest varies massively between parishes. The OP may have a completely different experience at another Catholic church.

The word 'Catholic' means 'universal'. No parent(s) should be denied the sacrament of Baptism for their child purely on the basis of their marital status. The official guidance says:

"Baptism should not be denied if the parent(s) are unmarried or not married in the Roman Catholic Church. However, there may be reason to postpone Baptism if parents are not practicing the Faith, or have no intention of living a Catholic life in harmony with the Gospel."

Ok so you're not married.

Are both you and your partner Catholic?

I ask this because my daughter and her partner had no problem having their daughter baptised. (They are both catholic).

I too find it strange that the priest doesn't socialise with the parishioners after mass. Our priests have always stood by the door and shook hands with the congregation on their way out.

Try and get involved in parish activities, there's usually always something going on.
Maybe also arrange a meeting with the schools headteacher for some insight.

Has the priest found out that you are Satanists?

We’re not Catholic but our son went to the local Catholic primary school, because we live in Ireland, and it was our nearest National school.

I only go to the church if there’s something school related happening (as I’m not religious), but there’s no way you’d be ignored by the other church members here, especially with a cute baby. The other families always hang around outside for ages chatting and they’re very nosey so they’d be quizzing you about your family etc. till the cows come home.

I think you’d be better off trying to find another friendlier church and forget this one.

This. And taking part in all the relevant Sacraments.

Holy Communion is always after the gospel/sermon/homily. It was confusing for regular mass attendees as the priest and congregation leaving at this point, before Holy Communion, would be utterly bizarre. If this is happening at the OP's church, it should definitely be reported to the bishop (which many of us have suggested).

Agree the leaving after the sermon/homily is bizarre.

The Rite of Communion is after the Eucharistic Prayer and Consecration, well after the Gospel and sermon/homily.

I think the OP used the word sermon to describe the whole Mass, which is a little odd (as variants on the word Mass, derived from Latin, are used in most languages), but hey, if English isn't their first language they did a lot better than I would.

I was baptised catholic at about two weeks old and stopped going at 18. I was not married when I had DD and yet she was baptised without query, and the same priest then married us later on - he was very old school (e.g read us a letter of St Paul at the marriage class - helpful) and has some bigwig priest job, so it really doesn’t usually matter. We barely go to mass but even so, I get asked when my son is making his first communion as though we’re regulars.

Oh and I also didn’t know what transubstantiation was, as in hadn’t heard that word, til I was an adult (didn’t do catholic school and vetoed them for my kids). I do remember at FC classes being told it was now the body and blood and being ‘ooh wow’. But I was six and I’m afraid that awe soon wore off.

I always called it the sermon but it was listed as homily on the newsletter which I studied in depth instead of listening to it!