To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

I don’t really understand. You say you don’t blame this child. You never want her to hold your daughter again and you want her to apologise?

if you don’t blame her and you know it was an accident why do you want an apology.

you need to admit you are angry at your niece. You have been careful to stress she really isn’t your real niece and you don’t really know her. So you don’t feel that compassion or love for her that I would feel for my niece in this situation.

a rand one child dropped your baby and you want that random child to admit fault and apologise.

I'm surprised by most of the responses here.

Parents have a responsibility to use real life events to teach their children how to behave. I wouldn't expect them to tell her off, but I'd think empathy was a big lesson here and would be concerned if an 8 year old didn't want to check whether a crying person was okay, whether they played a part in the hurting or not.

Perhaps they spoke to her alone afterwards so as not to embarrass her, because I'd really want my kids to know you comfort someone who's crying, offer a hug and make sure they're okay.

Exactly. This is how my Dd would act but it would be out of guilt/shame/embarrassment

She felt bad enough without being told to apologise. Even if she'd been told to what difference would it make?

Personally i don't agree with forced apologies. Their meaningless and in this situation it sounds like she already knows she done something "wrong"

Hilarious.

You actually did want her to apologise to a 7 month old baby?

That's very funny.

This.

Sorry but I think you handled the situation very badly..in your shoes I would have made a point of reassuring the niece that baby is fine and next time you will sit with her and help her hold baby safely.
The lack of apology is probably because she was scared / didn’t relise she had to apologise for a genuine accident.

I think when your DD is eight you will understand this a bit better.

I also don't really understand how, if your niece was sitting on the ground, how she could have "dropped" the baby... sounds like she just slipped out of your niece's reach. Your niece wouldn't have known to grab her before she hit the ground. I don't think your niece has anything to apologise for but you and her parents need to supervise more closely.

As the mum to 2 children older than 8, I can tell you your niece will have been absolutely MORTIFIED by this happening. She'd have been excited about holding baby beforehand and is probably devastated it happened. Both of mine would've been anyway. The embarrassment and shock factor of it probably made her forget to apologise.

Move on OP. Your baby is fine and they are so much sturdier than you think.

Completely agree with this

This.
she is only just really starting to understand more intricate cause and effect at 8.
she probably has never had responsibility for someone she really loves, and simultaneously has done something to cause harm.
she was really mature to acknowledge it was an accident

yabu.

Op needs to read this. Of course they told her it was an accident. It was the adults fault. I'm so glad the parents handled it as they did.

I think an apology is in order.

Your poor 8yr old DN should not have been put in this situation.

I know 8 seems very big. But it’s such a young age. You’ll understand when your baby is this age.

I really feel for your niece! Poor little one must have got a shock.

This is why in my view you should never let children hold babies. The responsibility was squarely with the adults in the room i.e her parents and you, you need to take your fair share of blame in this

You're expecting an adult reaction from a child. Take a step back.

She's eight years old. What would she be apologising for? As cadburyegg said, it was the job of the adults to supervise her holding her cousin. She should have been reassured that what happened wasn't her fault. Maybe she's too young to concentrate on looking after a baby, but again that's on the adults.

She probably got up and left because she was embarrassed. She's only 8. Instead of wondering how she can be punished (you won't let her hold the baby again) and 'learn', maybe you should think about that, and be more understanding?

I think the fact she was worried and upset about shows she felt sorry and that would be enough for me. Once I'd comforted my baby I would actually have sat with her and let her sort of semi hold her again just to show everything was alright. At some point you will probably drop your baby in some way at some point (I'm afraid I did, I think it happens to a lot of us). You won't stop holding her, you will just comfort your baby and move on.

No, OP is absolutely right not to let niece hold her baby again. OP’s baby is not a toy. Maybe you should think about that?

She was about six. We were both running full pelt and collided. We were all playing British bulldogs which in hindsight was too rough at that age. She must have put her hand out to save her fall. Poor kid.

it was a total accident but because I was older I felt like a complete monster. looking back I don’t remember ever being quizzed but she lived on our street and I remember going with my mum to visit her and take a present. I wouldn’t speak the whole visit! I still feel the burning shame.

she is a doctor now - with four kids. Has two hands, thankfully😂

@coxesorangepippin agreed

From a psychosocial perspective we can’t really take on new information when we are processing trauma, in fight or flight or preoccupied with something. so trying to get a kid to “learn a lesson” in this instance wouldn’t really help.
personally if that was my DN, I’d wait a bit, probably when we were drawing, or walking or in the car, and say hey bud, do you remember earlier when you were cuddling x and then they fell, and then ask if they’re ok, and ask how they think DD was etc.

I missed the part where OPs eight year old niece held a gun to her head and forced a hold of the baby.

OP needs to face into the blame she has for this poor decision

Agree

There is nothing in any of the OP's posts to suggest the niece thought the baby was a toy.