To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

You could have told your niece that it's very important to be careful when holding babies and remind her that if she wants to give the baby back then just to ask.
The fact that she said the accident bit means that she feels bad that your dd was hurt.

Yabu she’s 8 and probably felt awkward and embarrassed. Let it go

She probably got up and left because she was embarrassed and/or upset - that is exactly how my DD would react to this kind of situation. She’s only 8 and the baby is fine. Move on.

I'm not close to my niece, she's my DH's sister's daughter and they don't live close by, this is their second time meeting DD face to face. Its not my place to tell her off and I wouldn't do that anyway, as I said, I know it was an accident, I'm not asking that she be punished. I didn't complain to the parents either. I just comforted my daughter. I'm reflecting now afterwards and I personally feel if that had been my child I would have spoken to them about what happened so that she could learn from it.

So fine, IABU for expecting her parents to speak to her about this but according to replies here.... I'm saying because I don't feel comfortable to let her hold DD again I'm being a knob because that's my reaction to what happened, but I shouldn't have let her hold her in the first place..... Right? So I'm going to take that as IANBU to not let her hold her again because that's what apparently I should have done in the first place.
Got it! Sorted! Thanks Mumsnet. As always, you're a help whether you're trying to be or not.

Whats all this get over it business!!! 8 is plenty old enough to say sorry. I knew about sorry at 4. Her parents should have asked her to say sorry whether it was an accident or not. Its good manners something a lot of kids know nothing about judging by the feral children round here.

Anything that happened to your baby was the fault of the adults who were not supervising properly, not the child far too young for the responsibility. Making the child apologise sends the message she was to blame, which is untrue and unfair, and could make her feel needlessly guilty.

At 7 months presumably your baby is either learning to or has recently started sitting, maybe even starting to try to crawl- she'll face plant and cry. It's normal.

The 8 yo niece will have felt scared, embarrassed, confused and she doesn't have an adult brain to deal with that. Leaving the situation is a pretty normal reaction. Sure the parents could have talked to her or apologised to you but it's not really that big of an issue for a genuine accident.

@Toasterfries She's 8, you should have been sat right next to her. She acknowledged it was an accident to her parents. You should have said 'Oh dear DD that was an accident and cousin is sorry' DN probably felt embarrassed. Try to remember that your DD will be an 8 year old and make a mistake one day. I'm an IVF mum and I think you are being precious and not very nice about an 8 year old.

I think if anyone should apologise it's the person who was supposed to be watching them both. I think it was important that the 8yo knew any injury wasn't her fault

No, she’s 8. I remember when my kids were both around 8 and held my baby niece. I watched them like a hawk and was there waiting to catch any mishaps. The incident is the fault of the adults involved. Whoever was the closest should have been in full charge of the baby. The 8yo was probably embarrassed and didn’t know what to do and thought she was going to be in mega trouble. Her closest parent is the one who should have apologised for their lapse in supervision.

The poor kid was embarrassed and worried.

don’t expect adult reactions from an eight year old.

if course your first reaction is to the baby - but if it was my Brice once I had settled the baby I would have searched Brice out and made sure she was okay and not upset.

i had some mean aunts when I was a kid and I may be projecting - but please be a bit more understand, eight is still very little.

This is totally irrelevant.

@Toasterfries shouldn’t have been out of reach when a young child was holding her baby. It is her fault, not the child.

The child was put in a position she was unable to cope with, a baby was hurt as a result and the child felt bad.

Basically the op hurt/upset 2 children and thinks that she is owed an apology 🤦‍♀️

Who was actually the responsible adult in this situation? If anyone should be apologising, it is them. Not sure if that's you/the dad or if another adult had taken your child elsewhere then allowed an 8 year old to hold them.

My sister in law (niece's mother and my DD's aunt) was sat right next to her on the floor. I hadn't left DD with my niece without an adult present. As I said, she was looking the wrong way at the wrong time, I was watching but just out of arms reach so I could see it happening but couldn't stop it.

YANBU, them not making a fuss of baby is quite cold of them, seems like they’re the type to just think of their own dc.

I wouldn’t be inviting them for a while or letting niece hold baby.

But you were there and watching surely? You can’t blame an 8 year old. Watch more closely if you allow a child to hold your baby again.

YABU. She’s 8. Her mother though… she was supposed to be there as the adult, right?

This is frustrating, I am totally with you on how you're feeling. I do think you should talk to her parents as the most important thing here is that you don't grow resentful of the family or child. I don't allow kids to hold babies. They're so keen but not aware of how babies need to be supported. Bless you this is tough and I'm glad the baby is ok

this has reminded me of an incident with a younger child when I was about eight or nine. We collided in the playground and she was hurt. I was was so ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t tell anyone it was me. She knew. I didn’t apologise or admit anything.

I was deeply deeply sorry but to anyone looking on I am sure I seemed like I didn’t care. She broke her hand and I remember crying in bed every night and having nightmares that the doctor had to cut her hand off.

I of course would have handled it differently now but I was a small child.

@Toasterfries Your DD was the baby, you should have been in reach. This is your mistake not DNs. You should have spoken to the DN to make her feel better when she returned eg 'It's OK your little cousin is a wrigglebum, that's why we need to be so careful' or similar.

YABVU.

Why should she be made to apologise? She knows that she did something wrong as evidenced by her reaction.
Are you going to apologise to her for giving her responsibility she wasn't ready for. After all, you made a mistake too didn't you.

An 8 year old is more than capable of grasping the concept of an apology. Not sure why people wouldn’t teach children to apologise if they hurt someone or break something. Most children over the age of 4 don’t do those things intentionally in my experience but they should still be taught to apologise just on the basis of politeness. It’s not about them getting in trouble/told off or even to feel guilty, why wouldn’t you teach them to apologise?

Surprised at these reactions. When my 9 year old does something completely accidentally that results in someone else being hurt, I'm trying to teach them to apologise even if it was an accident. Instead of jumping straight to the 'I didnt mean it!' type comments. But she is only 8 so I think her parents should have said sorry to you or explained to her that yes it was an accident but she caused it and needs to apologise

I mean it's inevitable something like that would happen when you would let a child hold a baby, especially for an extended amount of time so no, I don't think she really needed to apologise

I don't think anybody said you should have told your niece off, just that you could have explained how she should hold the baby. I can't see why you wouldn't feel comfortable doing that even if you're not close.

That being said if you're not close then she's not likely to see baby for a while anyway, and as baby is 7 months she's about to enter the stage where she faceplants at least 3 times a day anyway so it will be less of an issue.

You've maybe just learnt that people parent differently and how you would handle it is different to others.