To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

I am also sensing first time mum vibes as the more children you have the more you realise they are designed to bounce and are very hardy. My DS who was 3 at the time picked his 1 day old brother up by the arms, ran and droped him in the kitchen bin as he didnt like him, then a few hours later he draged him outside to the bins for the foxes! I would imagine you would need oxygen after witnessing that.

Fucking hell, that is NOT what most mum's of multiple children accept as their normal.

Sat on the floor with a baby on their lap is a reasonable thing for an 8 year old to do. Baby can't fall far as they are already on the ground. 8 year old felt bad it had happened as you can see by their reaction. Something I've learnt from my own children is done kids will say sorry really easily without and issues and some is the hardest thing in the world and and a forced apology isn't really an apology at all. Maybe the parents should have apologized themselves to model the desired behaviour but it's not up to you to tell other people how to parent their children.
My son face planted several times sitting on my lap while I was sitting on the floor at a similar age, he could sit independently but would throw his weight to the front of side suddenly and expect me to catch him.

Probably not as your cousin sounds like a little pyscho

It was an accident and the 8yo clearly felt embarrassed and ashamed so there was no need for her to be asked to apologise. Clearly she knew she'd done something wrong and she ran away. Her parents didn't want her to feel any worse so made light of it and allowed her to get over it.

When I was 10 I was holding my baby cousin standing up and he started to spit up, and I was so shocked I let go of him. My aunt was right there so caught him and didn't make me feel bad about it or make a fuss at all. I still felt awful and embarrassed.

Bloody hell hoe on earth was that let happen? That’s outrageous!

When I was 10 I was holding my baby cousin standing up and he started to spit up, and I was so shocked I let go of him. My aunt was right there so caught him and didn't make me feel bad about it or make a fuss at all. I still felt awful and embarrassed.

That must have been horrible for you. I hope your Aunt was kind and reassured you it wasn't your fault. I'm sure you still said sorry (that it happened).

So fked up! Yeah ok for a tumble, but this bordering on abuse 🤨

You get this shit with adults too.

Accident or not the victims care should always should come first not worrying about pacifying the person who caused it.

When my son was little (toddler) he was playing outside and his uncle who decide to 'play' with him kicked a football... full force... at his head... as he was toddling away. As you can expect he face planted (onto the concrete as he had left the field by that point) with pretty severe injuries (black eye, bust lip, all scrapped up... you would think he had been beaten and dragged on the floor).

My only priority was comforting and cleaning DS (OBVIOUSLY should be the priority) and I didn't even say anything (didn't think to just grabbed DS and rushed him into the kitchen area to clean him up as there was blood everywhere and she how bad it was) where as his uncle went into automatic defensive mode about it was 'an accident' and 'not his fault'.

I wasn't even mad at that point but then I got a fucking earful from family about being 'rude' and 'needed to apologise' for running off and not comforting HIM (the fully grown adult) instead of focusing on my injured child. Apparently me 'fussing' over my injured and crying baby should made him feel 'bad' because he 'didn't mean it'. To this day I stand by the fact that his grown ass feelings aren't my problem and my injured child should come first.

It really coloured my view of some family members though. Other stuff has happened since and they are no longer in our lives and I feel we are missing nothing.

Excellent post. Truth matters, and this phenomenon that the poster describes is not only going on but getting worse. It can be seen in the “news” in all sorts of situations as well as in everyday life. The actual victim is dismissed and the perpetrator is presented as the victim. It is bizarre and disturbing.

And a seeming majority SIDE with the perpetrator, as @JusthereforXmas describes. That is the most worrying aspect of it all.

But a parent can help and guide their 8 year old to understand that when you make a mistake that impacts someone else then it is not scary or embarrassing to own up, apologise and make up for your error - it is part of learning personal responsibility. The niece's mother should have done this with her dd, and apologise herself as she had meant to be supervising her dd holding the baby.

Something that has disturbed me in the past 20 or 30 years is the seeming decrease in empathy in young people. This is a large element in crimes of violence and in child abuse, neglect etc.
I really had no idea why the lack of empathy seemed to de increasing but having read the messages on this thread I am wondering if this is because children aren’t encouraged to put themselves in another’s shoes because after all they don’t really understand and had no evil intent. Posters you will no doubt think me mad but amongst my family and friends we taught empathy from very early childhood, for instance if teddy was slung across the room we would say “poor teddy” and encourage the child to kiss him better and to say sorry. The same with pets which were viewed as sensate beings.
In my view 8 years old is old enough to expect an immediate and hear felt apology. Child would then be hugged and thanked for apology and reassured it wasn’t intended but how it could be avoided in future.
Just what age posters expect children to apologise and show empathy to the person harmed?

I have taught my children to apologise when they make a mistake that harms someone else, physically, emotionally, or whatever. I have largely done that by modelling that exact behaviour to them - I apologise to them when I make a mistake that affects them, and they see me apologise to other people. The niece's parents should be doing that but if they aren't. there's no reason why the OP can't.

There is something in this situation that doesn't sit quite right with me though. The OP has said several times she doesn't know the niece well enough to have a conversation about the accident, and yet she expects this 8 year old niece to get over her discomfort and apologise to her. If a grown adult can't talk to her niece, why should it have to work the other way round?

And it makes me wonder what sort of conversation the OP thought she needed to have. Surely the conversation just needed to be "Hey niece, baby has stopped crying now. Would you like to give her a gentle kiss to say sorry?" by way of eliciting an apology. Or "Hey niece, would you like to come over and hold baby again? I'll sit next to you in case she gets wriggly so I can catch her because we don't want her falling over again" by way of showing her how to be careful. If you know someone well enough to leave them to hold your baby whilst you sit out of reach, you know them well enough to have that conversation.

@Longdarkcloud I don't think you're mad for showing empathy with teddies and pets. I think that's completely normal parenting. Well it is in my book anyway. I don't agree that I have personally seen a decrease in empathy amongst young people though. I honestly think IRL everyone I know would expect an 8 year old to apologize in this sort of scenario, obviously they'd be told it's not their fault. I'd also be shocked and actually a bit disgusted if my 8 year old didn't check to see if the baby was ok and just said it was an accident, to avoid being told off and then went off to play!

This happens every time.
New baby that everyone wants to hold.
Friends and relatives children want to hold baby, mum is naturally nervous, children drop baby.
No one bats an eyelid.
It happened to me with my firstborn.

The one thing that must come out of this is that your daughter continues to be regularly held by her cousin.

Why "must" that come out of it?

I agree with this - as everyone is rightly pointing out, your niece is a child and as such needs to be taught right from wrong, which includes apologising if you hurt someone, whether by accident or not. 8 is plenty old enough to understand this principle. She will learn a great life lesson from that about taking responsibility for her actions and learning from her mistakes, much as OP is going to learn from her own mistake of trusting her sister in law to be as vigilant with her baby as she would be herself. I think there’s definitely room to forgive and move on while also learning from your mistakes.

Because its the most important thing.

Why @Minime88888888 ?

eh... I dont think any of my child cousin held my kids, thats not really even a thing let alone the most important thing.

eh... I dont think any of my child cousin held my kids, thats not really even a thing let alone the most important thing.

Agreed. And it doesn't sound like there will even be a particularly close relationship between these cousins. Plus, so many people have highlighted how totally incapable an 8 year old is of holding a child, yet now all of a sudden it's imperative they be allowed to hold them anyway.

Ah! For those with less rigid thinking, there's a lot of ground in between expecting a novice 8 year old to capably hold a wriggly baby for an extended period of time with little instruction and no adequate supervision, and deciding they are entirely incapable of holding a baby at all. But there are a fair number of posters on this thread who either don't want to, or aren't capable of, engaging with such subtleties.

Wow?! Why on earth would you put guilt and shame on an 8 year old when it was an accident! This was all the parents responsibility not the 8 year olds. She didn't throw the baby on the floor purposely which would be a different matter entirely obviously! All it needs is a conversation about being careful and how to hold the baby properly.

Watch out everyone - it's @Elaina87's children that are going to be the adults who won't apologise for accidents because "why should I? It was an accident" and then wondering why no one wants to be friends with them.

And I don't even really understand what you mean by it's the parent's responsibility - to what? Apologise? They can't go back in time and not drop the baby. It's not a window that's been broken that they're paying for.

It's not putting guilt and shame on an 8 YO to teach them that if something bad happens, even if they didn't mean it, they should apologise.