Page 3 | To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

Toasterfries · 2023-06-11T18:42:46+00:00

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground. I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that. My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD. AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay. I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:08

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:03

My sister in law (niece's mother and my DD's aunt) was sat right next to her on the floor. I hadn't left DD with my niece without an adult present. As I said, she was looking the wrong way at the wrong time, I was watching but just out of arms reach so I could see it happening but couldn't stop it.

Your baby is going to face plant a lot, and cry, you need to understand that

toodlesofoodles · 11/06/2023 20:08

Who was she supposed to be apologising to? The baby? The baby is the person she accidentally hurt.

Or you, the baby's mum who needs an apology because an 8 year old accidentally let your baby slip out of her arms?

It was an accident. I might have told my own dd to be more careful when holding a small baby but I wouldn't have made her apologise to you.

Plumbear2 · 11/06/2023 20:08

She is 8, I imagine she was shocked and worried. If I was you I would have sat her down , given her a hug and told her it was ok and that accidents happen, take that worry away from her. I would allow her to hold the baby but with supervision. The 8 year old is a child too.

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 20:09

Stripedbag101 · 11/06/2023 20:05

this has reminded me of an incident with a younger child when I was about eight or nine. We collided in the playground and she was hurt. I was was so ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t tell anyone it was me. She knew. I didn’t apologise or admit anything.

I was deeply deeply sorry but to anyone looking on I am sure I seemed like I didn’t care. She broke her hand and I remember crying in bed every night and having nightmares that the doctor had to cut her hand off.

I of course would have handled it differently now but I was a small child.

You broke her hand? 😳 Poor kid, that must have hurt her like hell.

People have an issue with the parents, not the niece.

MissyB1 · 11/06/2023 20:09

This is such a non event. Your niece was embarrassed and worried, that’s why she she explained it was an accident and then wanted to go away. I’m sure she was sorry.

Just forget it.

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 11/06/2023 20:09

Mine are a bit older than 8 now (but not so much so I've forgotten what they're like at that age). I think it really is just one of those things, unsettling though it will have been today.

DN obviously felt ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, worried - that's why she immediately said it was an accident and disappeared. I think in her parents' position I'd have reassured her (as they did) but also apologised to you and fussed over you and baby a bit while you got settled. I would have discussed it with my 8yo later (without an audience, so you'd never have known if I did or not). That convo might have been quite stern, or it might have been very reassuring, really depending on whether I felt she was worried or too cavalier. Kids don't need telling off when they feel shit already.

Separately, I'm quite surprised at the number of posters on this thread who wouldn't let an 8yo hold their baby. My eldest was 6 when DC2 was born and 8 when DN1 was born (DC2 obvs needed much more supervision with DN1!). He held them loads, very competently, often unsupervised. In my family it's really normal. But I guess this is why you have so many mothers who say that the first baby they ever held was their own. I can't imagine that. Babies really like big children and big children can be so capable with them (look at the miracle plane crash children just this week!).

Original poster

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:10

I am not blaming my niece. Where have I said that I am? I said this was an accident. I was out of arms reach, my sister-in-law was right there but turned her head for a split second. It happens. I get it. DD is fine. I am not calling for blood here. My post is not about wanting my niece to be punished, it's about whether or not she should have been spoken to about what happened and to be asked to apologise to my DD because that's generally what I would do if my child accidentally hurt another child. These threads get so dramatic. Fine. I shouldn't expect an apology from my niece to my DD but all the implications that I'm a bad parent for simply allowing my DD to have a cuddle with her cousin with her aunt right there or that I'm a terrible aunt for simply asking the question if a child should be asked to apologise feels unnecessary.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 11/06/2023 20:11

Keitharingsbitch · 11/06/2023 19:48

You're being really petty not to let her hold your baby again. I doubt she'd do it again and you absolutely know that.

I think you're being dramatic about the whole thing. She probably should have said sorry, but 8 you should take that up with her parents.

Is this your first baby?

I would not be looking for an apology, she was probqukte shaken too, but there is nothing at all wrong with not letting her hold the baby again. I wouldn't. She has demonstrated she cannot be trusted.

ChillysWaterBottle · 11/06/2023 20:11

YANBU.

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:11

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:10

I am not blaming my niece. Where have I said that I am? I said this was an accident. I was out of arms reach, my sister-in-law was right there but turned her head for a split second. It happens. I get it. DD is fine. I am not calling for blood here. My post is not about wanting my niece to be punished, it's about whether or not she should have been spoken to about what happened and to be asked to apologise to my DD because that's generally what I would do if my child accidentally hurt another child. These threads get so dramatic. Fine. I shouldn't expect an apology from my niece to my DD but all the implications that I'm a bad parent for simply allowing my DD to have a cuddle with her cousin with her aunt right there or that I'm a terrible aunt for simply asking the question if a child should be asked to apologise feels unnecessary.

Your niece didn’t accidentally hurt your child

That’s the key here you’re not quite understanding

Curtains70 · 11/06/2023 20:12

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 11/06/2023 20:09

Mine are a bit older than 8 now (but not so much so I've forgotten what they're like at that age). I think it really is just one of those things, unsettling though it will have been today.

DN obviously felt ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, worried - that's why she immediately said it was an accident and disappeared. I think in her parents' position I'd have reassured her (as they did) but also apologised to you and fussed over you and baby a bit while you got settled. I would have discussed it with my 8yo later (without an audience, so you'd never have known if I did or not). That convo might have been quite stern, or it might have been very reassuring, really depending on whether I felt she was worried or too cavalier. Kids don't need telling off when they feel shit already.

Separately, I'm quite surprised at the number of posters on this thread who wouldn't let an 8yo hold their baby. My eldest was 6 when DC2 was born and 8 when DN1 was born (DC2 obvs needed much more supervision with DN1!). He held them loads, very competently, often unsupervised. In my family it's really normal. But I guess this is why you have so many mothers who say that the first baby they ever held was their own. I can't imagine that. Babies really like big children and big children can be so capable with them (look at the miracle plane crash children just this week!).

Yes I agree, my 13 month olds absolute favourite people are her big sister and cousins. They all held her when she was little and they have a lovely bond now.

waterrat · 11/06/2023 20:12

this is embarassement op! from the 8 year old. I have an 8 year old and she would be very very anxious and upset and immediately say 'it was an accident' !! because she was mortified. then she would run off.

Why shoudl she say sorry? She didn' tmean to do it.

Cosycover · 11/06/2023 20:12

If this happened to my 8 year old they would be very embarrassed and probably wouldn't apologise. They would go very shy and quiet in this situation.

Get over yourself man you are being ridiculous.

toodlesofoodles · 11/06/2023 20:12

You want an 8 year old to apologise to your 7 month old baby who has absolutely no understanding of what the word sorry even means, let alone who could acknowledge such an apology?

Wait until your 7mo baby is 7 years old and re-read this thread 🤣

Andanotherone01 · 11/06/2023 20:13

But someone has pointed out to you that your daughter isn’t going to understand if her cousin apologises to her! So, what you really want is for by default the apology to be to you. The child didn’t mean for it to happen. YABU

Thehonestbadger · 11/06/2023 20:13

I mean looking at this from another perspective. If you give your defenceless infant to child to hold and they get hurt…that’s really your fault. I mean, have YOU apologised to your baby?!?! That was a significant risk you took with their safety and it backfired.

(laughs quietly to self as the parent of two toddlers)

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 11/06/2023 20:14

Nobody said you are a 'bad' parent @Toasterfries just unrealistic and precious. You don't know what you'd do in this situation, as DD is a baby. Everyone is a perfect parent until it's their own kid. Your post did read as if you wanted more 'a talking to' sounds like a telling off to me.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 11/06/2023 20:14

I'm saying because I don't feel comfortable to let her hold DD again I'm being a knob because that's my reaction to what happened, but I shouldn't have let her hold her in the first place..... Right? So I'm going to take that as IANBU to not let her hold her again because that's what apparently I should have done in the first place.

No. Wrong. You should definitely let her hold her again but realise that she is an 8 year old who needs to be properly supervised whilst she's holding a baby. You're lurching from one extreme to another. You were right to let your niece hold the baby in the first place but wrong to treat her as though she was a responsible adult who could be left unsupervised whilst she did so.

SauvignonBlanche · 11/06/2023 20:15

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:59

I'm not close to my niece, she's my DH's sister's daughter and they don't live close by, this is their second time meeting DD face to face. Its not my place to tell her off and I wouldn't do that anyway, as I said, I know it was an accident, I'm not asking that she be punished. I didn't complain to the parents either. I just comforted my daughter. I'm reflecting now afterwards and I personally feel if that had been my child I would have spoken to them about what happened so that she could learn from it.

So fine, IABU for expecting her parents to speak to her about this but according to replies here.... I'm saying because I don't feel comfortable to let her hold DD again I'm being a knob because that's my reaction to what happened, but I shouldn't have let her hold her in the first place..... Right? So I'm going to take that as IANBU to not let her hold her again because that's what apparently I should have done in the first place.
Got it! Sorted! Thanks Mumsnet. As always, you're a help whether you're trying to be or not.

No one has said she should never be allowed to hold your DD again but she’s 8 FFS, she should have been throughly supervised.

Please some back when your DD is 8 and tell us your perspective then.

cunningartificer · 11/06/2023 20:15

I think OP has made it clear she didn't blame her niece and baby was ok, but if that had happened to my eight year old I would certainly have expected her to say sorry and show concern for a crying baby. Not to do so shows little empathy and I think at eight I would expect some sense of responsibility--not that she was responsible if you see what I mean but that she could be expected to feel that way. It's possible to say it was an accident and also say sorry and show concern! At eight I'd be expecting those feelings towards others to be developing.

Plumbear2 · 11/06/2023 20:16

Why didnt you comfort your niece? It will have been a huge shock for her.

SaltyCrisps · 11/06/2023 20:16

Keitharingsbitch · 11/06/2023 19:48

You're being really petty not to let her hold your baby again. I doubt she'd do it again and you absolutely know that.

I think you're being dramatic about the whole thing. She probably should have said sorry, but 8 you should take that up with her parents.

Is this your first baby?

Wow! Do you feel better now that you've let all that nastiness out?

MoorRain · 11/06/2023 20:16

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/06/2023 20:07

Surprised at these reactions. When my 9 year old does something completely accidentally that results in someone else being hurt, I'm trying to teach them to apologise even if it was an accident. Instead of jumping straight to the 'I didnt mean it!' type comments. But she is only 8 so I think her parents should have said sorry to you or explained to her that yes it was an accident but she caused it and needs to apologise

I agree with you here- if they crash heads in the playground/stand on someone’s toe or whatever- it’s a normal situation, an accident happened and someone was hurt and saying sorry is the right thing.

In @Toasterfries situation though, the 8 year old should never have been in that situation- it’s setting someone up to fail and then expecting them to apologise profusely when something totally foreseeable happens.

AfricanGrey · 11/06/2023 20:16

Tygertiger · 11/06/2023 19:50

She’s 8. She will feel embarrassment and shame (hence the immediate reflex “that was an accident” comment) and walked off because those feelings are very uncomfortable (think about it - as an adult, shame is the worst feeling there is, isn’t it?) and she doesn’t have the skills, as an 8 year old, to know how to react.

Ultimately your baby was fine. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

I agree.

cadburyegg · 11/06/2023 20:16

An adult should have been supervising this situation, either your niece's parents or you. By supervise I mean stay within arm's reach. YABVVVVVVU to let an 8 year old hold your baby at all if you're going to get so precious about it.

I agree with pp, you think that because your DD is a baby that older kids should know better, but actually 8 year olds are still young children.