Page 6 | To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

Toasterfries · 2023-06-11T18:42:46+00:00

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground. I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that. My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD. AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay. I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

pizzaHeart · 11/06/2023 20:39

She’s 8. She will feel embarrassment and shame (hence the immediate reflex “that was an accident” comment) and walked off because those feelings are very uncomfortable (think about it - as an adult, shame is the worst feeling there is, isn’t it?) and she doesn’t have the skills, as an 8 year old, to know how to react.

I agree with this^ assessment from @Tygertiger
I think you forgot that your DN is 8 y.o. She couldn’t be considered as a person in charge of your baby. You were this person unless you arranged someone else to supervise. It’s typical at a big family gathering- all people are looking at baby but no one are actually looking after them.
Next time allow DN to hold your baby but stay near by ready to intervene any second.

BlueMongoose · 11/06/2023 20:41

Whose idea was it for such a young child to hold the baby? It seems rather young to me.
An aside- even as an adult I won't hold other people's babies, I know I don't know how to do it properly, and just as much to the point, I don't want to, but it's amazing how often you actually get pressed to do it. I realise that some parents can't believe you don't want to hold their babies, and just assume you aren't confident to do it, but might I suggest that parents don't press the issue if people say, 'thanks, but I think I'd better not'.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 11/06/2023 20:42

She shouldn’t have to apologise, what do you want her to apologise for? She’s 8, she hasn’t got an adult's foresight or perception of danger.
Whenever my kids had hold of babies we always sat them on a blanket or propped up on a chair with an adult hovering close by.

changeyerheadworzel · 11/06/2023 20:42

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand

You are one mad scone. WHY should the child say sorry to your baby for something that wasn't HER FAULT??????

NatureNurture85 · 11/06/2023 20:42

Gosh I remember when my husbands friend held my 5 month old baby and assumed she could crawl and just kind of rolled her onto the floor when holding her but of course my baby just face planted, he didn’t apologise he was like oh I thought she could crawl!

AngelAurora · 11/06/2023 20:42

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:59

I'm not close to my niece, she's my DH's sister's daughter and they don't live close by, this is their second time meeting DD face to face. Its not my place to tell her off and I wouldn't do that anyway, as I said, I know it was an accident, I'm not asking that she be punished. I didn't complain to the parents either. I just comforted my daughter. I'm reflecting now afterwards and I personally feel if that had been my child I would have spoken to them about what happened so that she could learn from it.

So fine, IABU for expecting her parents to speak to her about this but according to replies here.... I'm saying because I don't feel comfortable to let her hold DD again I'm being a knob because that's my reaction to what happened, but I shouldn't have let her hold her in the first place..... Right? So I'm going to take that as IANBU to not let her hold her again because that's what apparently I should have done in the first place.
Got it! Sorted! Thanks Mumsnet. As always, you're a help whether you're trying to be or not.

If you are not close to her, why did you let her hold your baby? Your the parent, get over it

Stripedbag101 · 11/06/2023 20:42

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:38

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.

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You are coming across a bit bonkers her OP.

yea of course we talk to babies to familiarise them with the language.

but that it totally different than forcing an already embarrassed eight your old to apologise to a baby. The understanding just isn’t there. It is meaningless and silly and not for the baby’s benefit but for yours.

you are clearly angry at the child. That is now your issue that you need to process.

you don’t really know your niece - leave her be.

Sparkleshine21 · 11/06/2023 20:42

She will have been embarrassed and worried so her reaction was to leave the situation, 8 may seem old now compared to your baby but it really isn’t.

cadburyegg · 11/06/2023 20:43

someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand.

In this case no one is worthy of an apology because an apology is admitting responsibility and your niece should never have been given that responsibility because she's too young.

This is a learning experience for you op, in that you are responsible for your dc and you need to advocate for them. So it's quite ironic that you're expecting your niece to "learn from this situation" when you as an adult don't seem to have done so.

MoorRain · 11/06/2023 20:43

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:38

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.

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@Toasterfries so did you apologise to your baby for giving her to a child and letting her get hurt?

And did you apologise to your niece for not taking proper responsibility and care, causing an accident that upset her?

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:43

NatureNurture85 · 11/06/2023 20:42

Gosh I remember when my husbands friend held my 5 month old baby and assumed she could crawl and just kind of rolled her onto the floor when holding her but of course my baby just face planted, he didn’t apologise he was like oh I thought she could crawl!

Could your 5 month old not hold their head up? Christ, that must be one delayed baby

Andanotherone01 · 11/06/2023 20:43

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:38

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.

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You know what? I would never ask someone to apologise to anyone for what was a genuine accident. And I am certainly not into public humiliation for 8 years olds. I guess that is the difference between you and I.

Another poster put it perfectly when they said that your baby is absolutely due an apology - from the adults who failed to watch out for her.

Sissynova · 11/06/2023 20:43

If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand.

Tell me this is a pfb without saying it’s a pfb…

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dacadactyl · 11/06/2023 20:44

BlueMongoose · 11/06/2023 20:41

Whose idea was it for such a young child to hold the baby? It seems rather young to me.
An aside- even as an adult I won't hold other people's babies, I know I don't know how to do it properly, and just as much to the point, I don't want to, but it's amazing how often you actually get pressed to do it. I realise that some parents can't believe you don't want to hold their babies, and just assume you aren't confident to do it, but might I suggest that parents don't press the issue if people say, 'thanks, but I think I'd better not'.

I would say that you are not confident holding babies because you've never held one tbh.

My kids have held babies since they were 2.5 years old and I'm talking proper new borns, not 7 month olds! You just have to be there to help them do it properly.

An 8 year old holding a baby is nothing out of the ordinary at all.

TMess · 11/06/2023 20:44

changeyerheadworzel · 11/06/2023 20:42

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand

You are one mad scone. WHY should the child say sorry to your baby for something that wasn't HER FAULT??????

The baby is also not hurt. As I said upthread I have an 8yo DD and she’s probably more experienced with babies than some adults but the only way I’d find it necessary for her to make an apology would be if she DID something, and the baby was genuinely injured.

violetcuriosity · 11/06/2023 20:45

God my poor 4 month old is tossed around by her 8 year old sister all the time, she's learnt to bounce 🤣 the baby is fine, one day you'll look back and be mortified by this post

GoodChat · 11/06/2023 20:45

I don't think you were wrong to let DN hold DD. It's nice for her to feel she's allowed to bond and feel included.

I also don't think you're wrong to suggest she should have apologised to the baby, even if they wont understand, but did the adults swoop in and take over immediately? If so, she probably felt embarrassed and on edge.

dudsville · 11/06/2023 20:45

One of the things that matters a lot to me about my own infancy is having been told how excited my nearly 4 yrs older brother was that I'd arrived. It means a lot to me to know this and to know he held me. To know that i was wanted and held by others is a nice thing for me to know. My own mum dropped me once when I was a baby (she told me) and i know it was an accident. Baby's aren't toys, sure, but it's important for our humanity and bonding to be apart of one another lives and life cycles.

RhosynBach · 11/06/2023 20:45

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 20:38

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.

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By this (crazy) logic, I hope you have given your dd a lengthy apology about not supervising her well when she was with a very young child

ThursdayFreedom · 11/06/2023 20:45

newyearsresolurion · 11/06/2023 19:47

She's your niece so you as her aunt should have just asked her to say sorry. Simple

I'll lend you my SIL to disabuse you of that notion. You'd never hear the end of it. Never.

@Toasterfries I would be worried about an 8 year old that showed no compassion, I'd be more concerned about her development tha whether she apologised or not.

I get that she was probably worried she'd get told off so said it was an accident... but the wandering off without a care I'd find worrying.

so long as they're on the floor (or somewhere else 'safe') I wouldn't stop her holding her next time.

TheOrigRights · 11/06/2023 20:45

Wow, I'm pretty shocked at some of these replies.

I'm trying to imagine how this would have gone within my own family, and I think the parents of the niece would certainly have stepped in. I would have been mortified if my 8 year old had dropped their baby cousin and would have done my best to manage the situation so that all parties felt OK.
While it was an accident, the 8 year old could still be helped to see that the baby was OK, be reassured that the adults understood it was an accident and then shown that the baby was OK.

Are people really just shrugging off all incidents of siblings/cousins accidentally hurting their siblings/cousins just because they are accidents?

KateReddy · 11/06/2023 20:46

Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.

OP, I’m sorry, you’ve clearly had a difficult day but this is just ridiculous.

You are talking about two children who have been let down by the adults who should have been supervising them.

Stop projecting adult sensibilities onto an 8 year old!!

AfricanGrey · 11/06/2023 20:47

If you re-read your posts in a few years OP you will face-palm and laugh.

changeyerheadworzel · 11/06/2023 20:47

MoorRain · 11/06/2023 20:43

@Toasterfries so did you apologise to your baby for giving her to a child and letting her get hurt?

And did you apologise to your niece for not taking proper responsibility and care, causing an accident that upset her?

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Bang On!!