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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

544 replies

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:42

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

OP posts:
SamphireSandwich · 13/06/2023 09:22

Katey83 · 13/06/2023 07:03

People on here are crazy. An eight year old is not a toddler, they know right from wrong and should be expected to behave with manners and, yes, apologise when they do something stupid by accident. If this many of you aren’t teaching social skills and basic decency to your children, its no wonder we live in an era of such selfish entitlement. I mean, even my two-year-old apologises if he hurts someone by accident…

Your two year old had absolutely no idea what an apology means, he had no feelings of shame or guilt at that age. He is saying sorry parrot fashion. It’s not the same as an eight year old!

phoenixrosehere · 13/06/2023 09:39

Kiwano · 13/06/2023 09:17

She wasn't dropped.

Show quote history

My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.

Plumbear2 · 13/06/2023 10:00

Katey83 · 13/06/2023 07:03

People on here are crazy. An eight year old is not a toddler, they know right from wrong and should be expected to behave with manners and, yes, apologise when they do something stupid by accident. If this many of you aren’t teaching social skills and basic decency to your children, its no wonder we live in an era of such selfish entitlement. I mean, even my two-year-old apologises if he hurts someone by accident…

My son would have reacted the same way as the girl at 8. Yes we where teaching social skills, yes we where teaching manners. As a 15 year old he is not entitled, treats everybody well. Treats his girlfriend's and her parents exceptionally well and is highly respected by all his teachers. Yet at 8 he would have responded this way partly feeling guilty and much to shy and quiet to say anything, that didnt mean he lacked empathy. What would have in a situation like this would be for the aunt to reassure him that everything was ok.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 10:06

SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2023 08:07

If my 3 yo whacks me with a toy accidentally with a toy and I say "ow" they say "uh oh" and kiss it better. If they hurt each other when playing they're told to say sorry and kiss it better. It's just basic practising and learning to show empathy.

I also have an 8 yo. If he'd had run off I'd have called him back, reassured him the baby was OK (cos he'd be upset), that he wasn't in trouble, to go and give the baby a love and he'd be reminded he needs to be more careful in future. No drama. No big deal. Just practising what we do if we accidentally hurt someone.

How is that so weird?

Exactly this. I think it's ridiculous the lengths people are going to to absolve the child of any responsibility to even address the accident.

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:08

@phoenixrosehere the baby won't remember but the kid MAY feel like shit about it.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 10:09

What would have in a situation like this would be for the aunt to reassure him that everything was ok.

That's the sort of thing I would say AFTER he said sorry, in response. I'm not going to seek him out to grovel to him about how he doesn't need to feel bad when he hasn't even done anything to acknowledge that he feels bad. That's the sort of thing you get when you show that you do, it's just basic social interaction.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 10:09

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:08

@phoenixrosehere the baby won't remember but the kid MAY feel like shit about it.

Babies don't remember anything so we might as well be totally cruel to them, nothing matters.

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:14

@aSofaNearYou why are you thinking about being cruel to babies. Maybe you need to speak to someone?

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 10:19

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:14

@aSofaNearYou why are you thinking about being cruel to babies. Maybe you need to speak to someone?

Nice pointless comeback.

That is what you get when you follow the logic that we don't need to feel sorry for babies because they won't remember, to it's end.

I think it speaks very poorly of a person to feel more sorry for somebody having to feel bad for hurting somebody, than the person they hurt.

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:22

@aSofaNearYou guess what! You can see things from both sides! You can feel bad for both parties. Every day is a school day.

TheOrigRights · 13/06/2023 10:29

SamphireSandwich · 13/06/2023 09:22

Your two year old had absolutely no idea what an apology means, he had no feelings of shame or guilt at that age. He is saying sorry parrot fashion. It’s not the same as an eight year old!

Show quote history

Young children learn a great deal of things parrot fashion.
When they first say Mama they are copying. They get a good response and so they say it again.

A young child being shown how to be compassionate is the start of raising a child who is compassionate. What age would you recommend a child start learning how to say sorry?

phoenixrosehere · 13/06/2023 10:33

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:08

@phoenixrosehere the baby won't remember but the kid MAY feel like shit about it.

And why is that a problem?

Intentional or not, the child hurt someone and should have been told to apologise once OP had calmed the baby, not just waltz off to do something else.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 10:34

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 10:22

@aSofaNearYou guess what! You can see things from both sides! You can feel bad for both parties. Every day is a school day.

You commented that you felt sorry for the 8 year old, and then when someone with responded with the reason to feel sorry for the baby you dismissed that reason and said it was worse for the 8 year old. So you've not done a particularly good job at showing that you feel sorry for both of them.

And seriously, how sensitive are people's 8 year old's that they can't handle a minute of mild guilt after hurting someone, enough to show any degree of contrition to make the injured party feel better.

SamphireSandwich · 13/06/2023 10:41

TheOrigRights · 13/06/2023 10:29

Young children learn a great deal of things parrot fashion.
When they first say Mama they are copying. They get a good response and so they say it again.

A young child being shown how to be compassionate is the start of raising a child who is compassionate. What age would you recommend a child start learning how to say sorry?

Show quote history

As soon as they can speak …. obviously. Like any other word, what a really strange question!

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/06/2023 10:43

i actually think your niece was very upset and it was a knee jerk reaction to say it was an accident as she would have been panicking. I think she left as she felt guilty and didnt know how to deal with the situation. TBH yourself and the adults around her screwed up here due to lack of supervision and now you have learnt it only takes one second.

TheOrigRights · 13/06/2023 11:10

SamphireSandwich · 13/06/2023 10:41

As soon as they can speak …. obviously. Like any other word, what a really strange question!

Show quote history

No, you suggested that someone who doesn't know what an apology means nor has feelings of shame or guilt should not be shown how to behave or speak in an empathetic way.

I questioned that, and you're saying they should learn this when they can speak. I am challenging that. Communication (verbal, non-verbal) happens WAY before a child can speak. You can model empathetic behaviour in non-verbal toddlers - just go to any childcare setting. Very young children are learning how to share and treat others with respect.

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 11:10

@phoenixrosehere the point I was trying to make is that it benefits no one to make that 8 year old feel like crap about an accident. Yes they should say sorry but they probably ran off because they were embarrassed. I am filling in a lot of gaps here as I wasn't there.

SamphireSandwich · 13/06/2023 11:12

TheOrigRights · 13/06/2023 11:10

No, you suggested that someone who doesn't know what an apology means nor has feelings of shame or guilt should not be shown how to behave or speak in an empathetic way.

I questioned that, and you're saying they should learn this when they can speak. I am challenging that. Communication (verbal, non-verbal) happens WAY before a child can speak. You can model empathetic behaviour in non-verbal toddlers - just go to any childcare setting. Very young children are learning how to share and treat others with respect.

Show quote history

What I said was that you praising your two year old for apologising is irrelevant, they’re doing it parrot fashion, not being in a state of panic, not feeling any guilt or worry.

An 8 year old will react to a situation very differently to a two year old.

Surely you can see the comparison “well my child dies that and he is only 2” is really not relevant?

BoohooWoohoo · 13/06/2023 11:26

The OP mentions not being close to niece and wouldn't ever tell her off so I reckon that there's an element of niece also being too awkward to talk to OP directly. When kids I know well do something "wrong" they will talk to me directly and I would have reassured that I know it was a mistake and that babies can be very wriggly.

phoenixrosehere · 13/06/2023 11:55

DrManhattan · 13/06/2023 11:10

@phoenixrosehere the point I was trying to make is that it benefits no one to make that 8 year old feel like crap about an accident. Yes they should say sorry but they probably ran off because they were embarrassed. I am filling in a lot of gaps here as I wasn't there.

And OP has explained what happened, her expectations, and that she wouldn’t have scolded her niece.

The parents were right there and could have had her come back and apologise, OP as she said, would have accepted her apology and showed that it was no hard feelings. It would have also shown the niece that OP wasn’t upset with her and that OP knew that she didn’t mean to and it was accident so the 8 yo would have still been comforted in some way if she felt bad.

GracePalmer33 · 13/06/2023 12:09

I don't think there's anything wrong with kids holding babies. But just completely supervised where there is no way to drop the baby. Babies quickly get heavy.

MrsAnon6 · 13/06/2023 12:13

It sounds like your annoyance is more directed at her parents than the child. I agree her parents should have explained the situation to her and asked her to apologise as that's a good life lesson for owning your mistakes, apologising and learning from them.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 12:21

GracePalmer33 · 13/06/2023 12:09

I don't think there's anything wrong with kids holding babies. But just completely supervised where there is no way to drop the baby. Babies quickly get heavy.

She was sat down though, she was just holding her up, which isn't that much to ask of an 8 year old.

Mamanch · 13/06/2023 12:49

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 10:06

Exactly this. I think it's ridiculous the lengths people are going to to absolve the child of any responsibility to even address the accident.

Show quote history

Quite

the7Vabo · 13/06/2023 20:07

ShoesoftheWorld · 12/06/2023 12:26

I personally think inability to admit wrong or apologise is equally likely to come from the kind of parenting in which apologies were demanded as a ritual performance rather than from never being asked to.

To be clear, I certainly don't think an apology coming spontaneously from the child would have been a bad or inappropriate thing. But neither do I think this was an occasion for a 'now say you're sorry' teaching moment. And I can't quite figure out where the OP's preoccupation with not getting an apology, to the extent of posting about it on here, is coming from.

If this had been me, I would have sat down with my baby and niece the next time and modelled the sort of vigilance she needed to show.

100%
The OP doesn’t appear to have much of a relationship with the 8 year old. It’s quite likely she walked off out of fear or embarrassment.

I think it’s common for people who have babies particularly first timers to think the world centres around their baby. The baby by the OP’s account was a little upset & then fine. The 8 year old could well have other things going on a bad week in school etc that the OP has no clue about. Perhaps she’s an anxious child & the parents didn’t want to embarrass her.

OP maybe when your child is 8 you’ll think back to this moment and realise you shouldn’t have been so preoccupied with judging a little girl you hardly know.