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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

544 replies

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:42

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

OP posts:
Rainyrunway · 14/06/2023 09:48

@Elaina87 so if an 8 year old hurts someone or breaks something or whatever as long as it's an accident then you don't think they should have to apologize? Or in this case even ask if the baby is ok? Wow.

Papernotplastic · 14/06/2023 09:49

Tygertiger · 11/06/2023 19:50

She’s 8. She will feel embarrassment and shame (hence the immediate reflex “that was an accident” comment) and walked off because those feelings are very uncomfortable (think about it - as an adult, shame is the worst feeling there is, isn’t it?) and she doesn’t have the skills, as an 8 year old, to know how to react.

Ultimately your baby was fine. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

This ^

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:53

Rainyrunway · 14/06/2023 09:48

@Elaina87 so if an 8 year old hurts someone or breaks something or whatever as long as it's an accident then you don't think they should have to apologize? Or in this case even ask if the baby is ok? Wow.

Exactly, surely it's just a reflex? Like when you accidentally walk into someone, you surely just say a quick sorry immediately. It's a normal part of human communication.

I wouldn't still be angry that she didn't apologise, I'd just let it go, but all the comments saying she "absolutely should not apologise" are bizarre and starting to get really annoying.

Catmuffin · 14/06/2023 09:53

Toasterfries · 12/06/2023 05:37

@PixieLaLa bloody hell are you for real?! A baby's just been dropped on her face and is crying and a mother picking her up to soothe her is OTT? What should have happened then? Just leave her there on the ground to teach the baby the importance of self-soothing?

Show quote history

How you reacted to the baby was completely normal and fine. The person who said you were OTT would probably have been too lazy to soothe their baby in the same situation

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/06/2023 09:55

I honestly do not understand the mentality of "you don't need to apologise for an accident".

How far does this stretch? You swung your arm round gesticulating and gave me a black eye, but don't apologise it was an accident? You knocked my child down with your car, but don't apologise it was an accident?

I mean, I understand that it's not 'needed', but it's surely common courtesy, manners, shows empathy, that something has happened that has hurt someone in some way and that you're acknowledging this?

I suspect every single person on this thread has been guilty of apologising to an inanimate object or to a person who has barged into them - but those same people won't bring their children up to have the basic decency to do the same when needed?

I've had this argument on here before. A simple sorry goes a long way, and to not do it purely because you didn't mean to cause harm is rude and unempathetic. And this is how you get adults who never take responsibility for their own actions and who don't understand why people drop you like a hot potato as a friend if you hurt them - accidentally! - but refuse to acknowledge it.

That being said, I think it's overkill to say niece can't hold baby anymore, it was an accident after all. And even most seasoned mothers and fathers have been caught out by a lunging baby once or twice!

Primrosefrill · 14/06/2023 10:16

Nah of course she should have said sorry, 8 is old enough to have basic manners. Her parents are actually most at fault, I would’ve been mortified.

phoenixrosehere · 14/06/2023 11:42

the7Vabo · 14/06/2023 05:53

”It was just an accident and DD was fine” - that’s key to me OP it was a minor incident.

I went to a musical with my aunt & cousins when I was 12. My mum gave me a box of chocolates to share. I was too overwhelm by shyness to open them & naturally the adults assumed I was greedy & tried to keep them for myself.

Just because your niece walked away doesn’t mean she didn’t care or wasn’t sorry. She may well have been overwhelmed in the moment. I do think that if you remember this when your DD is 8 you will have a different perspective.

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I’d bet if OP’s child did the same at 8, she would do the right thing as a parent and have her child apologise after the baby had been calmed instead of walk off because she knows she didn’t like how her niece’s parents didn’t do the same.

It takes little to apologise and to teach a child to apologise when they have done something wrong/hurtful to someone else; accidentally or not.

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/06/2023 11:53

Don’t be awful to your niece, she is eight! She will have been embarrassed and upset. Your baby is fine. If you are going to be such a mumzilla then don’t give your baby to a eight year old to hold

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 11:54

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/06/2023 11:53

Don’t be awful to your niece, she is eight! She will have been embarrassed and upset. Your baby is fine. If you are going to be such a mumzilla then don’t give your baby to a eight year old to hold

She hasnt been awful to anyone

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/06/2023 11:57

Maybe awful isn’t the right word, but unfair and mean

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 12:03

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/06/2023 11:53

Don’t be awful to your niece, she is eight! She will have been embarrassed and upset. Your baby is fine. If you are going to be such a mumzilla then don’t give your baby to a eight year old to hold

Interesting because I would class someone that thinks people are being mean to their 8 year old by thinking they should apologise when the hurt someone as "mumzilla's", and there are lots of them on this thread!

Avondale89 · 14/06/2023 12:15

Rainyrunway · 14/06/2023 06:47

I agree with the absolutely shocking lack of empathy from the child. And all the posters who feel sorry for the 8 year old, who it would seem was unbothered anyway once she'd made it clear it was an accident and she wasn't about to be told off, but don't seem to give a shit that the baby landed on its face are nuts! And yes I have 2 8 year olds. They would be super panicked, apologising, and checking the baby was ok, if this happened to them, even if it was a total accident like this. I seriously worry about all these kids who are being raised not to care about hurting others as long as it's accidental!

Glad that you have perfect children, like everyone else on here. You have no idea how the 8 year old felt. I'm surprised you can confidently say that the child "has no empathy" because she got up and walked away. She was likely feeling ashamed and upset and that's how she expressed it.

This whole situation is a making a mountain out of a molehill. I wonder how some people manage to get through life unscathed if this is something that upsets them deeply.

Nikkidannih · 14/06/2023 12:22

I get that it must have felt scary to see your baby be dropped. However, As other have said, 8yo can’t be responsible for a baby even for a split second, as you have learned. I think your expectation for what an 8yo is capable of emotionally might be unrealistic.

forced apology is futile. It doesn’t teach children to be sorry, it just teaches them that it’s fine to do things as long as they say sorry afterwards. I don’t blame the parents for not making a big deal
in front of you when she was clearly feeling embarrassed. I would have done the same and maybe had a quiet word afterwards if needed.

MysteryBelle · 14/06/2023 13:41

The posters saying you should apologize to the 8 year old who dropped the baby on her face, immediately decreed it an accident to deny any responsibility as the first thought, didn’t apologize or show any concern, and stropped off without a second look to see if baby was ok,

are nuts.

Ifulikepinacoladas · 14/06/2023 13:50

MysteryBelle · 14/06/2023 13:41

The posters saying you should apologize to the 8 year old who dropped the baby on her face, immediately decreed it an accident to deny any responsibility as the first thought, didn’t apologize or show any concern, and stropped off without a second look to see if baby was ok,

are nuts.

I agree.

8 years old is not that little and immature that they don't know they should apologise for accidents.

ABugWife · 14/06/2023 14:08

I think you have been pretty awful to your nieces I get you were comforting your baby but someone should have comforted the niece. She is a child and probably very scared that the baby was hurt, feeling bad and ashamed.

When the baby calmed down you should have offered your niece some reassurance that you don't blame her and baby is fine.

Rainyrunway · 14/06/2023 14:11

"I think you have been pretty awful to your nieces I get you were comforting your baby but someone should have comforted the niece. She is a child and probably very scared that the baby was hurt, feeling bad and ashamed"
This is insane

Rainyrunway · 14/06/2023 14:15

All of you who think 8 year olds shouldn't feel the need to say sorry when they hurt someone by accident. What do you think is expected of kids in school? Or even pre school? You think kids just charge around hurting each other and as long as they say "it was an accident" that's it? Of course they're expected to apologise. Like any normal human would! And everyone saying she felt "shame" I mean maybe she did. But there's no evidence of that.

tiggergoesbounce · 14/06/2023 14:16

I've also seen my niece since who immediately asked to hold DD the second we walked into my mother-in-law's house so you'll all be pleased (or disappointed, I'm convinced many of you are only happy when you get to be proved right even if that does mean a child is upset) to know that clearly she's not traumatised from the incident

And OP, did you allow her to actually hold your DD again ???

phoenixrosehere · 14/06/2023 14:35

Avondale89 · 14/06/2023 12:15

Glad that you have perfect children, like everyone else on here. You have no idea how the 8 year old felt. I'm surprised you can confidently say that the child "has no empathy" because she got up and walked away. She was likely feeling ashamed and upset and that's how she expressed it.

This whole situation is a making a mountain out of a molehill. I wonder how some people manage to get through life unscathed if this is something that upsets them deeply.

Show quote history

Neither do you or any of the posters who claim the 8 yo felt shame, was embarrassed, etc..

That’s still no reason for an 8 yo not to apologise or be promoted to do so since she did hurt someone. As another poster mentioned, they would be expected to apologise if they were in school if they hurt a classmate. Children don’t have to be perfect to be able to apologise for accidentally hurting someone. It’s basic manners that is usually taught at younger than 8.

Lacucuracha · 14/06/2023 14:37

Toasterfries · 14/06/2023 05:40

It's astounding to me how many parents it would seem from Mumsnet would never trust another adult with their baby for any period of time. My daughter's aunt (my niece's mother) was sat literally on the floor right next to them. She turned her head and looked away for a split second at exactly the wrong moment so couldn't stop it from happening but she was sat right there. I had not left my baby unsupervised with my niece. It was just an accident and DD is fine.
I've also seen my niece since who immediately asked to hold DD the second we walked into my mother-in-law's house so you'll all be pleased (or disappointed, I'm convinced many of you are only happy when you get to be proved right even if that does mean a child is upset) to know that clearly she's not traumatised from the incident or terrified to be near me or my daughter again and nobody mentioned this incident from Sunday at all.

Did you allow her to hold baby?

LaBellina · 14/06/2023 14:39

YABU. Your baby’s fine but she is probably still feeling hugely ashamed about it. She’s 8 years old, cut her some slack. Forcing her to apologize would only make this experience even more embarrassing and painful for her and I think her parents have the empathy to see that.

Bearpawk · 14/06/2023 14:39

I also think that niece likely felt embarrassed ashamed and afraid of getting in trouble. I'd move on and forget about it.

Lacucuracha · 14/06/2023 14:40

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/06/2023 04:08

Another way of looking at is the adults owe the 8 year old an apology for not giving her enough support in holding the baby and putting her in that very upsetting situation of accidentally dropping the baby. Which would never have happened if an adult sat next to her in the first place and was paying attention.

Lead by example and apologise to her.

It would only be another way to look at it if hadn’t already been said in the 450+ posts above yours.

KanyeSouth · 14/06/2023 14:41

Only on Mumsnet do you get your arse handed to you for 'performance parenting' when your baby has taken a tumble and hit their face.

What. The. Fuck.