To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

Your 8 year old DN dropped your 10 month old. Who put their trust in an 8 year old to adequately care for their baby?

I think you need to take responsibility here OP.

The poor girl is probably mortified (and embarrassed) that she was placed in a position of trust, accidentally dropped the baby and doesn’t know how to handle the fallout. She’s 8. A child.

YABU

@Toasterfries you are certainly not a bad parent! Please don’t take any notice of the people on here insinuating this is your fault in anyway, infact this is nobody’s fault! Accidents happen..

I’ve had 4 children (got two stepdaughters aswell), I can tell you now every child reacts differently when things like this happen! My 7yr old would act a similar way if he accidentally hurt a baby.

you are not unreasonable to expect your sister in law to mention something or your nieces father.

however, they may have spoken to her privately and explained the importance of how to hold a baby.. when your niece next visits your DD when going to let her hold her just simply say “here you go, I will sit with you and let me know if you need any help or if your arm gets uncomfortable” obviously supervise whilst she holds her but maybe best to let it happen for around 10mins.. I say this as my son is 8 in august and there attention span is still varied at this age, after 10mins the novelty wares off and they get “bored/distracted”..

this is honestly nobody’s fault, there will be similar situations your baby will face as growing up, if this was my child tho I would have said when it happened “don’t worry accidents happen, we just need to make sure when holding little ones we’re extra careful as they can wriggle” when this has happened in a similar situation with us we always encourage the children to kiss baby on the head aswell! as a way of apologising but knowing it wasn’t meant.

they probably felt with people being there they didn’t want to make your niece feel any worse.. and maybe didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable either with what had just happened.

I also think the way you calmed baby was lovely and it’s refreshing to see parenting like this! I often sang to my children to reassure them and stroke their hair, I still do now! I also kiss boo boos better😂🙈 I’ll be ripped apart🙄..

This x 1000

My three year old started climbing on the sofa while me and my auntie were holding out babies. She accidentally kicked my aunties baby. My husband told her off, told her to be more careful and to say sorry. It seemed appropriate at the time.
In hindsight I’m not sure we made the best choice. I have been into her room at night months later and she’s all sad saying ‘I hurt the babies on the sofa at Nanas house’.
So now we are trying to undo it and reassure her that it was an accident and the babies are fine

The most reasonable outcome would be to realize that an8 year old should not be holding an infant or a toddler.

The 8 year old could have been early traumatized by this situation. An apology should have been offered by the adult v who thought to be a good idea. An apology should have been offered to the 8 year old for putting her in the position of holding the infant and to the OP assuming she was not the one who decided to let the 8 year old hold the child.

Poor decision bc making on the part of the adults.

This. Not letting her hold the baby again is extreme.

She wasn't holding her, she was sat down holding her up. I've seen 5 year olds do that successfully, it's so odd to me that people think it is so beyond an 8 year old's ability. To me that's a totally appropriate age to be able to hold a baby up on the floor.

@Toasterfries

People take great delight on running other parents down on here. Nothing about this makes u a bad parent. I haven't read all the way through but calling u a bad parent is ridiculous.

I am going to say I think u are overthrowing it. The girls parents could have spoken to her about it on the way home. An apology is nice but it was an accident and like someone said, niece was quick to say it was an accident and could have feared she would be in trouble.

I can understand u being cautious next time I would be the same. Just make sure u are next to them both.

Overthinking not overthrowing

I understand where you're coming from but really think there was no need for the niece to apologise.

A similar thing happened to me once at a similar age. I was sitting on a sofa behind a baby who was standing up against the arm. He leaned forward and toppled right off the sofa head first.

I was mortified and remember thinking I could have killed him. I wouldn't have even thought to say sorry as i was so worried he was hurt.

He was fine!

But in retrospect an adult (whether my mum or the baby's mum ) should have been much closer. A child, responsible as they are at age 8, doesn't understand how a baby might move quickly and be able to instinctively prevent that (as we can as adults). And as adults we forget that as the 8 year old looks so capable.

Please don't stop your niece holding your baby. Just sit very close and supervise.

I think noone reacted to your baby crying as it sounds like an every day event with a baby, they fall forward all the time, so the other adults
Probably thought nothing of it. The screaming is due to the baby's shock in that situation generally and not indicator of an injury.

@aSofaNearYou
You have seen 5 year olds do this successfully, but in this case the 8 year old could not. I guess the question becomes at what age are you willing to risk the safety of your child's safet? It is not a put down of any parent, some people are just more risk adverse than others.

She is a child. If you let a child hold your baby then you watch that child. She did nothing wrong, why should she apologise? It’s the adults - yourself included - who did something wrong by not watching her properly and being out of arms reach.

You will look back at this thread in a few years and CRINGE!

She's 8, she should have apologised. You overreacted. The end.

Why do people say this? Many of us have older children and agree she should have apologised, we're not all the same.

For a child, sat down on the floor, just to keep them sat up? I'd certainly risk it by 8 and, especially if they'd asked to do it, I would consider them responsible if they dropped her. That's not to say I'd expect a severe punishment, but I think all this "it was your fault, of course she can't be expected to manage it" is poppycock. She's 8 years old, not a toddler.

Another way of looking at is the adults owe the 8 year old an apology for not giving her enough support in holding the baby and putting her in that very upsetting situation of accidentally dropping the baby. Which would never have happened if an adult sat next to her in the first place and was paying attention.

Lead by example and apologise to her.

She is old enough to apologize and be sorry for the accident and should have stayed there to make sure your baby was ok. I mean, that should be a given. Strange and disturbing lack of empathy on her part and in a hurry to not take any responsibility whatsoever.

You should have been sitting right beside her ready to take over because she is just eight. That said, I agree with you completely. And her parents are strange too.

It's astounding to me how many parents it would seem from Mumsnet would never trust another adult with their baby for any period of time. My daughter's aunt (my niece's mother) was sat literally on the floor right next to them. She turned her head and looked away for a split second at exactly the wrong moment so couldn't stop it from happening but she was sat right there. I had not left my baby unsupervised with my niece. It was just an accident and DD is fine.
I've also seen my niece since who immediately asked to hold DD the second we walked into my mother-in-law's house so you'll all be pleased (or disappointed, I'm convinced many of you are only happy when you get to be proved right even if that does mean a child is upset) to know that clearly she's not traumatised from the incident or terrified to be near me or my daughter again and nobody mentioned this incident from Sunday at all.

”It was just an accident and DD was fine” - that’s key to me OP it was a minor incident.

I went to a musical with my aunt & cousins when I was 12. My mum gave me a box of chocolates to share. I was too overwhelm by shyness to open them & naturally the adults assumed I was greedy & tried to keep them for myself.

Just because your niece walked away doesn’t mean she didn’t care or wasn’t sorry. She may well have been overwhelmed in the moment. I do think that if you remember this when your DD is 8 you will have a different perspective.

I’d be gutted if this happened to my baby, picking her up and comforting her isn’t a show or dramatic! It would be bloody weird not to!!!

I imagine your SIL was mortified, as essentially it’s her fault your dd fell as she shouldn’t have took her eyes off your niece. Your baby was under the eye of trusted adult, stupid to suggest the baby is not being ‘watched’.

I think your SIL didn’t speak to your niece about it at the time because she was embarrassed and went down the path of least said soonest mended as she was dying of shame inside.

I can understand your frustration at your DD accident not being acknowledged as it’s like it didn’t matter. I’d understand it was an accident but I’d be furious and it would take me days to calm down.

IMO it’s your SIL who should be apologising tho for talking her eyes off your niece, and even tho it was a moments lack of concentration, she should have apologised to you and your baby.

Im glad you let your niece hold the baby again, I’m sure she’ll still cringe inside forever.

I agree with the absolutely shocking lack of empathy from the child. And all the posters who feel sorry for the 8 year old, who it would seem was unbothered anyway once she'd made it clear it was an accident and she wasn't about to be told off, but don't seem to give a shit that the baby landed on its face are nuts! And yes I have 2 8 year olds. They would be super panicked, apologising, and checking the baby was ok, if this happened to them, even if it was a total accident like this. I seriously worry about all these kids who are being raised not to care about hurting others as long as it's accidental!

Tbh, I don't think you did anything wrong. From your last post your niece isn't upset by it all, hopefully it will just teach her to be more careful. I do agree with you about the lack of apology, my son is 7, but even when he was 5 if he hurt someone accidentally he would immediately be "I'm sorry, it was an accident, are you ok? Do you want a cuddle?" He wouldn't just run away. I'm similar with reflecting about things after thw fact and ignoring everything else going on to make sure my child is ok when the incident is going on.

The childs parents should have asked her to say sorry for sure. If I hurt someone by accident I'd be expected to apologise, and i would expect it from another adult. The child didn't need shouting at or telling off but a gentle explanation/conversation and prompted to apologise would be the least I would do if I was the child's parents. I also don't understand half of these comments in disagreement with that. I'd like to see them just accept being hurt even by accident without so much as a sorry, or are you ok. Kids need to learn how to function in society and be a decent human. These parents are not doing their job.

Yes sorry you're being unreasonable. She's 8, this was yours and her parents responsibility not hers. She shouldn't have to apologise. Perhaps a brief mention of how to make sure it doesn't happen, but absolutely not apologise.