To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

YANBU. It sounds as if the incident was brushed off so lightly by her parents that your niece barely registered it, so no incentive not to do it again. A lecture on being careful while holding a baby would perhaps be more useful than an apology. I wouldn’t let her hold the baby again either if she can’t be trusted not to drop the baby on her face. Why risk it?

I wouldn't talk about that with my child there and then, If I have something to discuss I normally do it when we are away from the situation, then we can talk about if properly without being watched, maybe she did that.

I actually think you are blame shifting onto an 8 year old, when rationally you know you should of been supervising more closely. That’s ok, accidents happen, just don’t blame a child.

This

This thread has made me feel less bad about how rarely I like other people's children. It's hardly surprising given how many of their parents think a simple sorry is beyond their little darlings.

😁, its rarely the children, but usually the shite parenting.

Whether it was an accident or not, the normal decent reaction is to say sorry.

I wouldn't want an 8 year old to be traumatised but to acknowledge that the baby was hurt.

Mostly I would be apologising profusely for MY stupidity in allowing it to happen.

But it seems saying sorry is not what so many are reared to do these days when you fxxk up.

A friend of mine is in HR and she was telling me that some new graduate interns that had been assigned some projects and on a couple there were fxxk ups...not sure what.
However the attitude of "🤷🏻‍♀️shit happens, can't be helped, no one's fault" really rubbed some people up the wrong way and it was firmly pointed out to them in the "real world" it IS someone's fault and the client won't be slow to point it out either.

Of course people make mistakes but ambivalence about it can really grate.

She said it was very noticeable the complete lack of any personal responsibility.

She believes she sees more and more variations of it, as people move jobs more easily.

This is the mentality on this thread that baffles me. My baby might have been fine, but it clearly still bloody well hurt her in the moment. She's 7 months old, I know the difference between her pain cry and her surprised cry. It took her over 5 minutes to stop crying including a breast feed which is usually instantaneous. She's fine, but she did need a lot of comforting to calm her down. During that time, my niece had long since wandered off and started playing with other children further down the garden, my sister-in-law got up from the floor and sat next to her husband and they both carried on in conversation. Neither of them said another word about this incident to me or to their daughter (that I saw). Everyone just carried on as normal. They're my niece's parents and clearly they did not feel that right then, for whatever reason, traumatised or otherwise, they needed to do anything to immediately comfort or reassure my niece further. So why on Earth should I? That's what I'm just not understanding about all of you having such a pop at me and saying I'm being mean to my niece (which is absurd because I haven't said anything to her about this at all so when have I been mean to her?). Her parents were clearly happy enough to carry on as though nothing had happened so why should I leave my baby who was screaming to comfort my niece who displayed absolutely no outward sign of trauma and that both her parents were not going off to comfort either. If I had seen my niece upset, if I had seen her parents go off to comfort her, if I had seen anything at all to suggest she wanted or needed reassurance, I'd have offered it to her but there was nothing. No one acknowledged that anything had happened.

And those of you asking me if I did let her hold my daughter when she asked there's absolutely no bloody way I'm answering that question because whatever answer I give I can absolutely guarantee I'll be skinner alive for it either way. It's not relevant if I did or not, my point was she clearly wasn't so traumatised that she didn't feel able to ask as soon as she next saw us.

I had this as a child. My aunt allowed my cousin to treat me and sister really badly, to the extent that cousin would hit us and aunt would ignore it. I was 9 and cousin was 6.

I get on with my cousin now but that distrust of my aunt and cousin is always there in the background. We just can’t give the close relationship they want, the memories are still vivid 3 decades later.

If aunt had not allowed cousin to treat us like that we could have had a different relationship.

It's literally in the OP. her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.

I don't think (at least I hope) the responses here are representative of society.

My 8yo would apologise as if you hurt someone by accident then you apologise. It may have been hard at the time with the baby crying. I’d of suggested we picked some flowers or drew you a card and came to check on your Dd in a little bit once she had settled.

she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her
You are being so ridiculous*.
If you go down that road , you could say its your dds fault for twisting at the wrong time, or whoever distracted DN and made her lose concentration. It is YOUR job to look after your dc , not some child's

What road? She is just describing what happened.

Or do you think you know better even though you weren’t there?

You’re being ridiculous. She’s a kid. Unless you actively want to alienate her, you’ll let it go. She knows it was an accident and was shocked and upset which is why she ran off. Her parents, rightly, aren’t going to make a big deal out of it because by letting her hold the baby and not properly supervising it was the ADULTS’ fault. ie yours. If you make any kind of follow-up fuss about this, I guarantee you’re going to feel like a total idiot in a couple of years’ time. Leave it.

The baby was your responsibility. An 8 year old cannot be responsible for a baby’s safety. Your fault, not hers.

You’re being ridiculous not to RTFT. Everyone has moved on, including the OP, who has since met her niece again.

Could you (or any of you making the same point a dozen times) point out where I have said I'm making any 'follow-up' fuss? Can you offer a single quote where I have described anything at all that I have done to my niece or anyone to make them feel in any way, shape or form bad? My oh so awful reaction was posting here and unless my in-laws happen to have read here they will have no idea that I was the least bit bothered given it hasn't been discussed once by anyone in the family!

calm TF down love.

@Lacucuracha Thank you ❤️ and the other posters that have defended me against the posters that are literally making things up to use against me.

@billy1966 that's a really interesting insight, and I'm not surprised by it.

A sorry is such a simple thing in my mind. I'd say it unthinkingly in this context even if I didn't think it was my fault, just because I can see they're hurting and I'm sorry it's happened to them. "Are you ok" would serve a similar purpose in this context.

In life, people will be so much more likely to think about whether you've really done anything wrong, or whether they are angry at you for doing something wrong, if you say sorry. It shows that you care, it's fundamental to human interaction, you will alienate yourself from people if you just don't appear to care.

It's not even the fact that the niece didn't apologise that makes me despair. It's not uncommon for children that age to be defensive. It's the absolute adamancy of posters on here that that's a ludicrous suggestion, and that people should be apologising to HER, even though once absolved of blame she completely moved on and showed no signs of upset, let alone sympathy for the baby. I can well imagine somebody being raised like that, ending up like the people you mentioned.

Shes your niece, you should of told her yourself how to apologise so she learns.
I frequently discipline my sisters children in front of them and I expect her to do the same with mine.
It takes a village and all that

My immediate priority was my daughter. My niece had gone off to play long before DD stopped crying and by the time she did everyone was talking about other things and my niece was still off playing. If she'd stayed I might have spoken to her but I don't know her well enough to call her over to me to have a conversation that honestly I feel should have come from her parents who clearly weren't going to be having it (at that moment in time at least).

I feel like you're getting a hard time for no reason here. If someone of any age dropped my baby on their face, they wouldn't be holding them again. She should have apologised but she's 8 and it's an extremely awkward situation that would be amazing if she did react as society expects.

So just for one minute put yourself in the shoes of the 8 year old. You've shocked yourself by dropping the baby, the baby has cried and panicked you and you are terrified you are going to get shouted at and you are 8. So you've no idea what to do. You remove yourself and hide.

I am also sensing first time mum vibes as the more children you have the more you realise they are designed to bounce and are very hardy. My DS who was 3 at the time picked his 1 day old brother up by the arms, ran and droped him in the kitchen bin as he didnt like him, then a few hours later he draged him outside to the bins for the foxes! I would imagine you would need oxygen after witnessing that.

No unreasonable at all. At 8 they should already know when an apology is needed. All of mine learnt when an apology was needed, to give and when to receive one.