Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

[ducksandquackers]

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

You have no idea what provision your dad intends to make for your child in his will. For all you know, he intends to leave everything to you and your descendants, surely?

I wouldn't bring it up with my dad in your shoes.

And also, you have no idea whether your niece got 150k or whether she's just been helped with uni fees.

It would have been fairer for you to receive half of the proceeds and your niece to receive half, but it’s a bit late to split it now I suppose.

Maybe ask your dad if he plans to leave anything to you/your son when he dies to even out the position between families?

But I don’t think your/your brothers personal financial positions should be brought into it.

It’s just one of those things in life, you may end up getting half a flat if it isn’t used to pay for a care home. Could you put some of that money by for your DC?

My brother told me today she got the £150,000 which will cover uni, Accomodation and leave money for when she graduates.

I understand where you’re coming from but it’s made difficult because you said that you wouldn’t be having children so your dad made the decision on that basis. My DSD received a lot of money from a family member who died before my amd DHs younger children were born and it feels unfair but I wouldn’t be comfortable saying she has to share that out because it was given to her.

Maybe he wanted to give her such a large lump sum because she lost her DM at a young age.

I can see how this stings but it's up to an individual what they do with their own money.

I wouldn't mention it. Not really any of your business.

I think it is in the worst taste to discuss how unfair it is that you think you have inheritance rights at all, whether before or after his death. If he favours the cat's home, that is his choice. He hasn't yet "missed out on his inheritance" - he has absolutely no right to an inheritance, nobody does. But if one of my children had the poor taste to start complaining about what they or their children ought to have of my money, they wouldn't be seeing any of it.

This is just a result of life choices you made. Why did you say you'd never kids?
He made a decision with the info he had at the time.

Well you said you wouldn’t be having kids so your DF did what he thought was fair at the time. What do you want to happen now, considering she already has the money? It’s nothing to do with your dad now.

I can also see why you are upset.

However, you did say you didn't want children. So he made the decision based on this, as he already knew you'd get half the flat and a share of the pension etc. so he knew you'd already be taken care of.

Inheritance decisions should be made entirely private and confidential and should never be discussed so openly like that. People will get hurt and offended.

Also this. She lost her mum! So you may be "worse off" financially but come on!

Also why not get a better job?

surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is

No one is entitled though.
It would be nice if your DF did do the same for your son, but maybe he doesn’t have that amount of cash handy any more.

i get why you feel hurt, the split is unfair given he now has 2 grandchildren.

Unfortunately there’s really nothing he can do as he’s already given the money ( and based on the info at the time, a fair choice) and he certainly cannot take it back ! Perhaps he might change his will to leave all of his remaining estate to your child, to even things up /try to even things up.. but ultimately it’s up to him and ‘having a chat’ about it seems rather crass and might end up pushing things the other way…

Your child is equally deserving of his Granny and a younger Grandad too - just as you said - but he won't get that because he was born later.

Your child was born after your dad had already given his money away. Unless your dad has another 150k tucked away and going spare then unfortunately the cash is the same as having his Granby back - not possible.

If the flat is inherited (not sold for care etc) you could ask your brother if the first 150k value of the flat could be for your child/split between your children (if you have more) and then his and your inheritance would be sharing any remaining value. Or ask your dad to reflect that in his will but they are not obliged to.

There was no need to announce to everyone that you were never going to have children, really.
But you did and your Dad took you at your word 🤷🏻‍♀️
Your son is not “entitled” to a red cent.

It’s no one’s fault things turned out that way. Don’t let it sour your family relationships.
If this is remedied in the future, all the better; if not - don’t model bitterness in front of your DS. If you don’t give him siblings, your niece will be his closest relative growing up, so worth having a good relationship.

And then some.. Jesus OP I’d be gutted if I was you.

Kids or no kids I think it’s unfair that the whole amount went to your niece, it leaves a bad taste between you, your dad and brother I’d imagine.

He should of split the money between you and your brother and if your brother wanted to pay her uni fees then so be it.

I don’t think it mattered if you were having children or not. It should have been 50:50 between you and your brother in my opinion but I know people differ.

So your dad took you at your word and believed you wouldn’t be having kids. Which I think is fab most people totally ignore people who say they don’t want kids and try and tell them why they are wrong.

So the only grandchild he would ever have is the one he considered and gave her a huge chunk of money.

Years later you did have a child. So how do you expect him to even this out? Take money off your niece that’s as legally hers?

You talk a lot about how much your son missed out on because you chose to have a child later in life. As though the money would even these things out. But that’s a natural consequence of you having kids later.

Do you know how devastating it is to a child to miss out on your own mother?

My mother died 18 months ago. It was devastating. But that’s nothing compared to what it must be like to lose your mother when you are still a child.

It should have been split between you and your brother.

I expect your father wanted to get rid of the money as if he outlives the gift by seven years it won't have to be included in his estate for inheritance tax. He probably thought that both his children were financially stable while his only (as he knew it at the time) grandchild would need the money for education and housing afterwards.

Why should he?

His granddaughter is an individual in her own right.
Someone he's known and loved presumably.
Someone he wanted to see thrive qothout the constraints of debt. And he had the power to do that.
Why should he factor in his adult children when making the decision about his only grandchild?

What a waste of money.

Exactly.

Totally bizarre for op to feel hard done by when she changed her position years after the event anyway.