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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

429 replies

ducksandquackers · 11/06/2023 18:14

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

OP posts:
JandalsAlways · 12/06/2023 21:32

SideWonder · 12/06/2023 21:14

You could say to your father how lovely it is that he’s supporting his grand daughter through university and that you’re relieved to see from that that your own son won’t have to take loans etc when he goes to university.

Put him on the spot. Men (in particular patriarchs) can be quite thoughtless about this sort of thing.

I doubt it, men aren't that dumb. He knows and probably doesn't have any money to give away now. It's in the past, let it go. Maybe there will be a provision in the will. It's nice that the GF wanted to give it to her when she was young so she could make use of it

brunettemic · 12/06/2023 21:39

I understand where you’re coming from but what’s your solutions…force your niece to give your son £75k?

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/06/2023 21:42

This is clearly about the favouritism and not about the actual money. You are using your son as a reason to feel aggrieved and really I suspect you'd be just as hurt by this if you didn't have a child. Your father should have helped you out financially too - he could have funded IVF for example.
I think you need to accept the fact that your father favours your brother and decide how you deal with that - it is not your niece's fault, your son is not missing out as he does not need 150k to live a successful and happy life, he will be just as able to go to university etc.
You might be better off just stepping back from these family members - it doesn't sound like the relationships are doing you any good.

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/06/2023 21:48

whumpthereitis · 12/06/2023 12:19

But that’s the thing, you don’t need to comprehend it. No one except for the man whose money it is needs to.

That said, I don’t think he has been unfair to his children. He didn’t give his son inheritance money, he gave a financial gift to his granddaughter who is an entirely separate individual. He gave it according to his circumstances at the time, when OPs son didn’t exist. His circumstances have since changed which means the grandson likely won’t get the same gift, but that’s life sometimes. It’s no one’s obligation to make it up to OPs son, but if OP does eventually receive an inheritance perhaps she can ‘put it right’.

Say there’s a family that chooses to privately educate their child, and years later they have another child but find themselves in a worse financial position so cannot privately educate their second born. Is that ‘fair’? Depends on your perspective. It’s unfair that both children did not get the same in the way of opportunity, but it’s fair that the parents made the decisions they did when considering their ability to do so at both times. It’s the same principle.

Show quote history

The granddaughter isn't a separate individual though. Parents are expected to support their children through university - there is means testing to ensure that those whose parents can't afford to get extra loans. The fact that the girl has all this money will save her parents several thousand pounds a year too.

A separate individual would be someone with no relationship with either child - such as a neighbour's child or a charity.

tillytown · 12/06/2023 21:53

Poor niece, losing her mother and grandmother so young and so close together

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/06/2023 21:54

Quveas · 12/06/2023 11:32

I think we all understand that a person's assets are theirs to distribute as gifts or as inheritance as they wish. That's not the issue though.

Actually, if you "understand that a persons assets are theirs to distribute as gifts or inheritance as they wish" then it is the only issue.

I do not understand where this idea that people are entitled to be left money by parents / relatives has come from, but it is deeply disturbing. Nobody is entitled to someone elses money in any circumstances, and sitting waiting for someone to die so that you can have their money, and squabbling over what your own view of "fair" is unsavoury. Perhaps it isn't "fair" that the OP's child gets to have two parents whilst her neice hasn't had her mother? Perhaps it isn't "fair" that her brother has been more successful than her and her husband in monetary terms? We can all make lists of things about life that aren't "fair". Spoiler alert - life isn't "fair".

Given the vast number of threads on this site about how unfair parents are in not leaving their children the money they think they should be entitled to, perhaps we should advocate the great equaliser, since so many people will also have parents who have nothing to leave them. We'll treat money and assets at death like annual leave at work - use it or lose it. Anything left at death goes into a central "pot" for general charitable purposes - we can work out the details later. It will apply to everyone from the monarchy down, and heavy penalties will be in place for those seeking to avoid it by off-shoring their money / assets. Then everyone will have to rely on their own "merits" to succeed in life / buy stuff. Nobody inherits anything, nobody expects anything, and nobody gets to sit around grief-stricken about what their dead parents didn't leave them rather than grief-stricken because their parent is dead.

A great idea but a bit too communist for most i suspect!

Spirallingdownwards · 12/06/2023 21:59

hattyhathat · 11/06/2023 18:56

He's an accountant but she's not taking her student loan?? What a stupid accountant.

It isn't actually. If you have the money you are better off not taking a student loan

Newmumatlast · 12/06/2023 22:00

ducksandquackers · 11/06/2023 18:14

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

I would've said yes if they were closer in age or your child was born at the time or you were actively trying. But you weren't. Your Dad made this decision before you had your child at a time when you said you weren't going to have any. He made his financial decisions on that basis and can't unmake them now. Anything your son doesn't now get is arguably on you/a consequence of having a child later like you have done. Similarly the not having a grandma which statistically is more likely when having a child later just as you not being around for as long is and your child having less financial support later on in life. If you wanted to, when you inherit you could give your son a bulk of money from that instead of keeping it yourself. I have had kids in my 30s later than many of my peers. I am saving for them and trying to make financial plans because I am aware they will be more likely to have less support and it isnt their fault. When I inherit (if indeed I do) I plan to set up a trust for them rather than doing what I wouldve done otherwise and paid off my house

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/06/2023 22:09

@SnackSizeRaisin the money was gifted to the DGD when she was 11. It was in trust until she was 18 to do with as she then pleased. It is her choice to use it for uni. It is not the DF treating one sibling unequally.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/06/2023 22:49

StopFeckingFaffing · 11/06/2023 19:14

It is lovely that your Dad has been able to fund your neice through University so she can graduate without being in debt

I can understand you feeling a bit miffed that your son won't benefit the same way but realistically what do you expect your Dad to do now to make things fairer? He presumably doesn't have another spare £150k but I imagine he may well include your son in his will

There is a strong possibility that you will have inherited half your Dad's flat by the time your son is 18 so he may still be able to benefit from his Grandads money if he chooses to go to University

I would expect him to give 150k in his will from his flat to OPs son, and what is left over split equally between OP and her B

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/06/2023 22:51

I feel for you OP and not sure why everyone else is being sanctimonious- it's perfectly reasonable to expect parents to treat children equally (even if one is a fave!) and if one child gets more it should surely be the child and their family who have less cash and more debt

MrsMikeDrop · 12/06/2023 23:04

Quveas · 12/06/2023 11:32

I think we all understand that a person's assets are theirs to distribute as gifts or as inheritance as they wish. That's not the issue though.

Actually, if you "understand that a persons assets are theirs to distribute as gifts or inheritance as they wish" then it is the only issue.

I do not understand where this idea that people are entitled to be left money by parents / relatives has come from, but it is deeply disturbing. Nobody is entitled to someone elses money in any circumstances, and sitting waiting for someone to die so that you can have their money, and squabbling over what your own view of "fair" is unsavoury. Perhaps it isn't "fair" that the OP's child gets to have two parents whilst her neice hasn't had her mother? Perhaps it isn't "fair" that her brother has been more successful than her and her husband in monetary terms? We can all make lists of things about life that aren't "fair". Spoiler alert - life isn't "fair".

Given the vast number of threads on this site about how unfair parents are in not leaving their children the money they think they should be entitled to, perhaps we should advocate the great equaliser, since so many people will also have parents who have nothing to leave them. We'll treat money and assets at death like annual leave at work - use it or lose it. Anything left at death goes into a central "pot" for general charitable purposes - we can work out the details later. It will apply to everyone from the monarchy down, and heavy penalties will be in place for those seeking to avoid it by off-shoring their money / assets. Then everyone will have to rely on their own "merits" to succeed in life / buy stuff. Nobody inherits anything, nobody expects anything, and nobody gets to sit around grief-stricken about what their dead parents didn't leave them rather than grief-stricken because their parent is dead.

I feel this is an ideology that come from people who don't have much or have a lot, but it came easily to them. My parents (mum worked three jobs), and now me and DH don't work our arses off and go without so when we're gone our money goes into a central pot for some randoms (ie I have other family members who happily do nothing and are on benefits and have been for most of their lives). Seriously! 🙄 Even from a practical sense, why would you even bother, may as well not work and let the government pay for you instead (except there won't be any taxpayers to fund it!)

whumpthereitis · 12/06/2023 23:06

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/06/2023 21:48

The granddaughter isn't a separate individual though. Parents are expected to support their children through university - there is means testing to ensure that those whose parents can't afford to get extra loans. The fact that the girl has all this money will save her parents several thousand pounds a year too.

A separate individual would be someone with no relationship with either child - such as a neighbour's child or a charity.

Show quote history

Of course she is a separate individual. A parent can absolutely choose not to support their child through university too, regardless of expectations.

Anyway, whether it’s saved OP’s brother thousands or not - doesn’t really matter.

Peanutlatte · 13/06/2023 03:35

ducksandquackers · 11/06/2023 19:00

I did ask my brother about this as I was also told it was a good debt to take on.
He said he’d spoken to her and she just didn’t want any debt finishing uni, even in the form of a student loan, he explained to her about it but she didn’t want it and ultimately it’s her money to spend.
He intends to help her build credit by letting her use his credit cards as an authorised user 😬.

Show quote history

She is a clever girl, why to have debts when she can pay for her studies?
Poor girl, she lost her mum and her auntie instead of being happy because her niece is studying and using the money wisely ( instead of wasting it on parties etc) the auntie is jealous.

Enjoy your time with your son, your niece don't have a mother...

LowBar · 13/06/2023 05:14

Lefteyetwitch · 11/06/2023 18:26

Also this. She lost her mum! So you may be "worse off" financially but come on!

Also why not get a better job?

Show quote history

Lmao "better job" ... literally saves lives for a living but told to get a better job!
I assume you meant better paid job.

SideWonder · 13/06/2023 05:41

This is clearly about the favouritism and not about the actual money.

Yup. That’s why one course of action by @ducksandquackers could be to ask her father about this and tell him how it makes her feel. She’s been treated very unfairly in comparison with her brother.

SideWonder · 13/06/2023 05:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/06/2023 22:51

I feel for you OP and not sure why everyone else is being sanctimonious- it's perfectly reasonable to expect parents to treat children equally (even if one is a fave!) and if one child gets more it should surely be the child and their family who have less cash and more debt

This.

Lefteyetwitch · 13/06/2023 06:40

LowBar · 13/06/2023 05:14

Lmao "better job" ... literally saves lives for a living but told to get a better job!
I assume you meant better paid job.

Show quote history
  1. Not all nurses 'save lives'
  2. Use some critical thinking around the conversation
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/06/2023 06:47

it's perfectly reasonable to expect parents to treat children equally (even if one is a fave!) and if one child gets more it should surely be the child and their family who have less cash and more debt

He has treated both his children equally.

CleverLilViper · 13/06/2023 07:04

LowBar · 13/06/2023 05:14

Lmao "better job" ... literally saves lives for a living but told to get a better job!
I assume you meant better paid job.

Show quote history

OP is the one complaining that her DB has more money than her.

Therefore, if it’s such a bugbear and issue for her, she needs to get a better paid job. This is common sense.

Or, she could continue to seethe that her DB is financially better off than her and hold everyone else responsible for her own choices in life.

which do you think would benefit her more?

Honeychickpea · 13/06/2023 08:37

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/06/2023 22:51

I feel for you OP and not sure why everyone else is being sanctimonious- it's perfectly reasonable to expect parents to treat children equally (even if one is a fave!) and if one child gets more it should surely be the child and their family who have less cash and more debt

How about the child with fewer parents? Or is cash the only factor?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/06/2023 08:50

@Honeychickpea not the only factor but we are talking about how cash is divided/given, so the current question is about cash. It's not about who gets help with baby sitting etc (in that case the single parent would be more needy!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/06/2023 09:10

@LowBar no I really don't think the point is 'why don't I earn as much cash as my well paid briefer' but 'why did my father choose to help my brothers child who wouldn't have struggled financially and not mine, who may well do'

londonrach · 13/06/2023 09:14

Hard one but the deal with done before you had children saying you won't going to have any...

Rewis · 13/06/2023 09:16

I do think it's unfair. But it was his decision and you can't really do anything about it. All you can fo is get your finances in order for your son and not rely on any assistance from your dad. There is nothing youncan really do.