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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

178 replies

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:32

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 11/06/2023 16:34

DH needs to fix this.

Next time they ask you, tell them to text DH.

And then DH should tell no, that it’s too much and they should book a hotel.

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:35

Just to add, my husband isn't around in the evenings because he works from around 5pm until 10:30pm.

OP posts:
Strawbss · 11/06/2023 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:37

mainsfed · 11/06/2023 16:34

DH needs to fix this.

Next time they ask you, tell them to text DH.

And then DH should tell no, that it’s too much and they should book a hotel.

I agree, but when I said this to my husband, he said he didn't want to have to say that to them because he's not that close with his parents. His words were "I don't have the kind of relationship with them that you have with your mum," because if the boot was on the other foot, I could very easily tell my mum she can't stay.

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 11/06/2023 16:37

There isn’t really a polite way no!

lemonyellows · 11/06/2023 16:38

She might just have been referring to "soon" as in when they have moved.

bibbityboppityboo · 11/06/2023 16:38

Can you be unavailable for the dates they suggest next time? Say you've got plans?

Start a renovation in the spare room so they can't stay?

Your DH is being a bit obstructive tbh, he's making it an entirely you problem when it's definitely more 75/25 his!

Failing anything you must obviously relocate many miles away 😬

fruitbrewhaha · 11/06/2023 16:38

You could say you’ve a really busy week of work that week so you won’t be socialising or having people over.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:41

Sorry, but I think you're being really precious and difficult. They are staying for a couple of nights and watch TV until 11pm. Not exactly a living nightmare. Very, very soon they will never have to stay over again because they will live near you. You really can't suck it up for one or two more nights? If you refuse then you'll just have to pull up your big girl pants and tell them no.

Natty13 · 11/06/2023 16:41

"Can we come up next week and stay overnight again so we can go and measure the letterbox on the new house?"

"Sorry Jane but I'll have a really full on week with work/kids activities/filing my nails and will be needing my space to recover from it so won't be able to have guests. Thanks for understanding! Have you seen that new programme with the actor you like? "

Valour · 11/06/2023 16:41

"I'm really sorry, we have a lot on and don't feel up to accommodating guests at the moment. We're looking forward to seeing more of you once you've moved to the area!"

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:42

Thanks. I agree, my husband should deal with this, not me, but then it doesn't help that his mum or her partner will text me, not him, and it also doesn't help that my husband doesn't want to risk offending his mum by saying no.

I was thinking about the work thing, but I'm wondering if they'll say "No that's fine, we'll stay out of your way so you can work." They've said to me when they've been here before and I've been chatting with them "If you need to go off and do some work, don't feel like you have to keep us company, do what you need to do."

The renovation thing is definitely something we could think of. But the problem is they'll probably still come, they'll just stay in the hotel across the road from us and then pop in to find that we don't have any projects going on or any visitors staying in there if we used that as an excuse.

OP posts:
ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:43

Natty13 · 11/06/2023 16:41

"Can we come up next week and stay overnight again so we can go and measure the letterbox on the new house?"

"Sorry Jane but I'll have a really full on week with work/kids activities/filing my nails and will be needing my space to recover from it so won't be able to have guests. Thanks for understanding! Have you seen that new programme with the actor you like? "

Love this - Actually maybe this is the best route to go down. I think I'll do that. Close it off at the end so that it's not open for discussion or debate. Thanks!

OP posts:
ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:45

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:41

Sorry, but I think you're being really precious and difficult. They are staying for a couple of nights and watch TV until 11pm. Not exactly a living nightmare. Very, very soon they will never have to stay over again because they will live near you. You really can't suck it up for one or two more nights? If you refuse then you'll just have to pull up your big girl pants and tell them no.

Perhaps I am, but as I said, I feel how I feel. I can't help that.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 11/06/2023 16:49

I mean yes they are your H's parents but realistically if you've always arranged visits and are the one saying no its odd to suddenly tell them to speskbyo your H.

Can absolutely understand you wanting your own solve although it dodnt doubt lijd they are bad house guests.

If they ask again just say so sorry we have difficulty much on we can have guests at the moment and change the subject.

FloofCloud · 11/06/2023 16:49

Maybe say 'mind if we watch Fleabag'? Or similar type of programme they'd not watch, and if they don't like it they can pop
Off to their room!
FWIW my I. Laws do this too, military operation to do washing up as soon as finished dinner, scrubbing, cleaning and restacking my dishwasher (FIL 🤯😤), then their programmes and my DH gets a grumble from them if I go into other rooms as I can't bear their programmes
Thankfully they rarely stay!

rookiemere · 11/06/2023 16:50

I can understand your reasons, but I think it's a bit of a shame they can't stay when it makes sense and they sound reasonably unobjectionable.
Do you have a TV in your bedroom that you could use if you don't want to stay in the living room with them ?

BeyondMyWits · 11/06/2023 16:52

"Christ sake MIL, do you ever want grandchildren? Never seem to have time on our own lately..."

(Well I wouldn't say it that way, but...😊)

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:52

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:45

Perhaps I am, but as I said, I feel how I feel. I can't help that.

Sometimes we need to get over ourselves and do certain things for certain important people because we care about them and someday we may need their support or help. If two nights of very minor inconvenience is too much to contend with for your husband's parents, I'm not sure why you even bothered asking for opinions. Oh well. You reap what you sow.

Fandabedodgy · 11/06/2023 16:54

There is no polite way to do this.

It's it really that a big deal to put your relatives up for a few nights a few times whilst they move house?

Crikey

DelphiniumBlue · 11/06/2023 16:56

I think that would be a really unfriendly thing to do. Better to set some boundaries - eg " Sure, but this week is full on so better if only one night this time - would you be able to fit everything in?" or " Sure, why don't you come on a day DH isn't working - Friday would be good" or " Great, would you mind the DC while I have a catch up with friends?" or "Of course, but I'm not feeling great so you won't mind if I slope to bed early."

2bazookas · 11/06/2023 17:00

Text her " I'm sorry, MIL, I won't be able to host you. DH will explain".

Kaftanesque · 11/06/2023 17:00

Really ?In the grand scheme of things it's not for long and very sort term until they move. Unless I really couldn't stand my in laws I wouldn't expect them to book into a hotel.We had the opposite situation in that twice we had to move in with inlaws with 3 DCs an two cats and a dog when between houses.Plus a sister in law who offered us accommodation whilst we had rewiring and plumbing done.I remain forever grateful.And actually to lie to family and say you have guests when you don't?Maybe it's me but I'm glad to have family in times of upheaval.

ItsCalledAConversation · 11/06/2023 17:05

Sometimes you have to very slightly inconvenience yourself for other people’s benefit. It sounds like that’s difficult for you, but you are an adult and will be able to cope. Use them as childcare and go out for the evening.
Ask them to play monopoly with you instead of watching tv.
Sit in the middle of the sofa so they can’t occupy it and snuggle (why does this bother you?)
Have a pamper night, early bath and bed
I dunno, chat to them!?

forrestgreen · 11/06/2023 17:09

'Hi dmil, Dh might have mentioned, but I thought I'd message you if not. I've been happy to host the last few times whilst you get sorted. And I thought this weekend would have been the last until you move. When you said see you soon, it made me think you might me after staying again. I thought I'd clarify that I've a lot going on at the moment so won't be able to host again. I hope everything moves swiftly with your house move'

But why....
'Yep, I've got a lot on at the moment'

If they message Dh
'Yep, she's got a lot on at the moment so can't host'

Oh well we'll go to the hotel and pop in
'Sorry, I've got a lot on at the moment, so I won't be available'