How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

[ILCTM]

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

Is it really worth potentially ruining a good relationship for a couple of nights?

Having said that I would say “do you mind if I watch my programme as I’ve had a really busy week and I just need to decompress with my mindless tv choice. I really don’t mind if you want to go and watch something of your choice in your room. Sorry to be so unsociable. I’m just knackered”

If they will have their own house locally soon you won’t have to host them again so I would be inclined to suck it up. There is probably not a way of not offending them. They obviously realise that it is you and not your husband who is inconvenienced by their visits so at least they are polite enough to ask you and not him.

I'd no way just for the fact she'd hit my pet!!!

Stop having in laws to stay full stop I say.

Or charge them rent.

If they don’t have a close relationship with their son, why on earth ar they moving closer to you and him?

I would say you need some time on your own for the next few weeks as you have massive projects on at work and won’t be able to have guests, even such good ones as them, as you need to be fully focused on your job. I would also encourage them to contact their son from now on too.

What a bizarre post.

And you couldn't be more wrong. I'm far from scorned, probably because I try to be empathetic and considerate of others while managing my own needs.

Is this situation an inconvenience in UK culture, to accommodate your in laws?

Just asking so don't pile on, it seems a privilege in Mediterranean culture, with deference and or at least respect to elders within a family.

I was also going to suggest the dog trainer excuse. You can say the trainer said all of the visitors are disturbing the dog, which is contributing to some of these behaviours.

Sorry OP, I have just caught up with the mil smacking your dog. It's your house, your rules.

It sounds from what you're said about the space they have to stay in, that they're only coming into the main living room to be polite as they're staying with you.
A response of
"Hi, I'm happy for you guys to come and stay in the garage conversion, but to be honest I'm rather exhausted from so many visits in the past couple of months, plus some really big projects at work. How about we go to the pub for dinner on XX Day? And then otherwise you're welcome to stay in the garage conversion, and we can all do our own thing in the evenings?"
Sounds like it would suit both parties, and wouldn't cause any offence.

I would just say," sorry I'm really busy this week. Hope the house move is going well." You're allowing it to happen unless you say no. As long as you refuse nicely, there's nothing to worry about.

I am literally amazed no one can see the next thread from
op:

1. in laws moved close by now in my house all of the time
2. dh does nothing for his own parents and is never here what do I do? Is he having an affair?
3. mil hits dog, dog snapped and bit her, we now need to put the dog to sleep how did it come to this??
4. mil expecting me to care for them now she’s had a hip replacement. I am at breaking point
5. Can anyone recommend couples counselling?
6. Dh has left me, mil says it’s all my fault. I didn’t see this coming, I thought he would be grateful. I have done so much for him for xx years
7. I literally don’t recognise my life, my mh is in ruins and I have lost everything.

ALL because op could not say no and hold boundaries.

By the way, mine had a food and space guarding issue. It was made worse by lightly smacking. All smacking did was to remove the growl, because he started biting us. It taught him not to growl, because he'll get smacked. But growling is important because its his only way to communicate with us, is is a warning. Removing this element just meant he started biting without warning. Dj t let them smack your dog.

Firstly, if it were my parents, I wouldn't be out at work in the evenings leaving my husband on his own with them (and that can't be helped that that's when my husband works - he could book the time off, but I'd rather the time he does book off, we spend it together as we don't get a whole lot of time together given that I work mostly during the day and he works evenings). Anyway, with my parents, I'd be at home with them, plus I have the kind of relationship with them where I could easily tell them to go into their room now because I want to watch the telly. My parents are different to my in-laws, plus they are MY parents. It's easier to deal with. My husband doesn't have a close relationship with his mum really so he doesn't find it easy to say to anything to his mum like I would with mine.

Texts that come from them you forward to him to reply to. You're not his secretary.

If you have to have them again and really can't say no (and on the dog front, I really really would, her behaviour could result in the end of your dogs life and if that doesn't galvanise you into action I really don't know what would...)...

You: 'Ahh here you are again, well you're here so often, you're not really 'guests' any more so, help yourselves to tea and coffee! If you've time to push the hoover round I'd be most grateful and this evening I will be watching my tv programs in here, you can join me, or use the TV in your room if you don't fancy that'.

By the way, the dog is going through a training program, leave him alone. We've paid quite a lot of money and put in a lot of work, its really helping but we have to stick to the advice. Don't touch him, if theres an issue, ask me. hard stare

If I was wanting people to be on my side and only on my side, I wouldn't have posted online, that's for sure. You can't expect to come on somewhere like Mumsnet (or anywhere for that matter) and have everyone agree with you. That's not human nature. I'd be stupid to think otherwise.

As for the dog situation, it's not something that particularly shocked me. My mother in law is from "a clip round the ear never did anyone any harm" kind of era.

I just personally think if you impose yourself on somebody by asking them if you can stay, you've not been invited, not to mention saving them hotel expense, then I just think it's a bit of a pisstake to sit there watching their TV all night when you have a perfectly functioning one in their own room and to not even ask if I mind. If I asked to stay at a friend's or relative's house as a favour to me, I wouldn't expect to treat their house as my own.

And I know it's "short-term", but in the past 6 weeks, I've had only 2 full weeks without people staying. I then have my sister in law staying again in the middle of next month with another potential visit from in-laws before then. So it just all feels a bit much and I just don't see why you would expect the person whose house you're staying in to take themself off to their room for the night so you can take over the downstairs of their house.

Definitely didn't let her smack my dog, but I agree. It's fighting fire with fire and just going to make things worse. He's just quite a stubborn (but also an extremely loving and protective) dog who isn't food motivated which makes it hard to distract him. So that's why we've got a trainer coming as I need a tailored plan for him that we can stick to.

Yes there is. The text you saying can we pop up and stay next Thursday and you say ‘next Thursday isn’t convenient- or evenings in the next couple of weeks not that convenient. Can see you in the day if you book an air b n b etc

You can just say it’s not convenient as you just want some quiet evenings - it’s fine and good to nip in the bub before they live round the corner and pop over three evenings a week

and yes your DH should be involved with communicating with his parents and setting boundaries

Could you suggest that the next time they stay it should be at a weekend, presuming your husband will be around more at weekends and your children so they can "spend time together." Then your DH can entertain his own parents and you can take yourself off to your bedroom to have time by yourself.

Also, I would make it clear that she is not allowed to slap your dog but is it possible that she was frightened of the dog's behaviour at the time and reacted in self defense?

just say 'very sorry but it's not convenient' dont say why and if they ask be vague, the idea being to send a clear message that you dont answer to them.
I've had only 2 full weeks without people staying
wtf, why does everyone think you are the free air b&b?

You could use the dog as a bit of an excuse.
Say they can stay but the dog behaviourist has said that home surroundings for DDog should be as peaceful as possible over next few weeks and he should avoid exposure to other people in the house as much as possible. Therefore they are welcome to use your place as a base but could they use the tv in the extension in the evening and basically keep out of dogs way as much as possible.

Say that you understand this may be tricky for them, so you won't be upset if they stay in the Premier Inn instead.

Suck it up, it won't be long and not worth getting into an argument/unpleasantness about, what's one or two more nights against a lifetime of bitterness.

With the TV/living room you could say there is something particular you want to watch, so need to use your living room, if they want to watch it too fair enough, but you could pick something a bit out there. If they want to watch with you, you might all enjoy it.

And how would you enforce that, exactly? Not everyone is as comfortable at being rude forthright as you might be!