How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

[ILCTM]

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

The dog is your get-out clause here. The fact that she hit the dog ( as if that’s going to end well!) means that they can’t stay while you’re training and settling the dog.

I would just say a broad no to all overnight visitors for the next couple of months- you’re getting professional training for the dog, he needs consistency and routines, so no guests for a few weeks.

I just personally think if you impose yourself on somebody by asking them if you can stay, you've not been invited, not to mention saving them hotel expense, then I just think it's a bit of a pisstake to sit there watching their TV all night when you have a perfectly functioning one in their own room and to not even ask if I mind.

A lot of people might think it rude and anti-social to shut themselves away in the annex. In laws especially probably feel inclined to spend time with you, even if it’s just sitting in the same room watching TV and not talking.

I see OP has drip fed from I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine to dog abuse in subsequent posts

I feel sorry for them to be honest!!
They don't sound bad to me and nothing they are doing is odd

hmm, on balance I am in the - just suck it up as they are moving soon, sometimes you just do it for family relations - camp.

BUT I think your dh is way out of order here. I don't subscribe to the mn philosophy that only dh should deal with his parents etc, but the fact that he is out working every single time, and isn't remotely supportive, and doesn't have a close relationship with them, but you are expected to be a good host to them all seems really unbalanced.

Is your MIL a keen gardener?
My parents moved from a house with a large mature garden, and my mum spent 6 months taking cuttings and splitting plant clumps to take all her favourites with her.
In the end she had over 200 pots, they moved them separately to the house move. (and she cleared out the 'ready to use' compost heaps too, brought me 60 bags of compost in those 6 months!)
So be careful with the idea of 'a few pots'

Another MIL.

This actually pisses me off.

because it is a way to shut down anyone's opinion that you don't agree with.

It is like when someone complains and they are justy called a karen.

You are basically saying that you don't need to listen to this person. Don't need t consider their opinion, because they are OBVIOUSLY a MIL.

I am not a MIL, I have school aged children. But I agree with the camp that says it is aonly a few nights and just get on with it.

So what if you're pissed off? So many people not reading the thread and then dismissing it as a few nights, why should they get thoughtful responses.

It's not a few nights though, see below:

I had my mother-in-law and her partner stay 2 weeks ago, the day they left, my sister-in-law and her kids came to stay for a few days, then a couple of weeks later, mother-in-law again, then I strongly suspect they'll want to visit in another couple of weeks to store stuff at our house, and then my sister in law wants to come visit again in 4 weeks time.

I don't understand why you let them watch whatever they like on your telly.
Can't you just grab the remote and put something you want to0 watch on?

Or can't you watch in a different room?

What does your husband think about his mother having hit your dog?

So what if you're pissed off? So many people not reading the thread and then dismissing it as a few nights, why should they get thoughtful responses.

I have read the whole thread.

Fine for lots of people to have different opinions, you have yours and I have mine.
Op can read and presumably take on board what she wants and decide for herself.

But it is stupid and rude to shut down someone else's opinion by declaring that they are a MIL.

Disagree with them, ague your case, but don;t be so lazt as to just dismiss 'because they are a MIL'

Why can't you just plonk yourself down and say there's a programme you want to watch? Also, do you think they sit in the lounge because they're worried about coming across as anti-social if they bugger off to the annex?
If you really don't want them to stay then I think using the dog as a reason is the way to go. Just say he's going through some complex training right now and the trainer has said to keep home life calm and quiet and no overnight visitors at the moment to unsettle him or something like that?

Not yet!

Why can't they stay in a hotel?

Just put up with it - it’s only once or twice more and it saves them driving 100miles back!
take a long bath, pop in to a friend, sit in your bed with you I-pad, whatever. It’s not worth the bad feeling to refuse, and it’s a bit mean.

They sound like nice people. They aren't really demanding much except somewhere to stay. The only super annoying thing would be if they expected you to sit and watch TV with them for the entire evening, but it sounds like they are happy enough by themselves.
Is a couple of pots in the garden really an inconvenience?
I think you need to think about the alternative, maybe horrible in-laws, no in-laws at all or offending them and creating tension when they are going to be moving closer. This isn't an indefinite situation, I could maybe understand you if it was.

Just curious - if the situation were reversed, would you be grateful to have a place to stay for a couple of nights without incurring hotel charges? Your choice but I think you are going to really damage your relationship with them. Whatever excuse you come up with, they will know they are not welcome. Good luck to you with that.

Could you temporarily remove the fuse from the plug for the lounge TV?

They would then have to go to their room if they want to watch TV.

It's gonna sting no matter what u say polite or blunt it just depends on if you are prepared to have awkwardness in the relationship or not .

How would you feel if it was your parents, and your husband moaning about them staying over, it only an occasional night once every few weeks.its your husband parents not some random person.

Is there a history you've neglected to mention? THey're not staying till they move, they don't chew your ears off, etc. it seems like minor inconvenience and not a lot for you to do for your husbands parents. How do I say you're pretty self centered and unkind?

People saying "sometimes you have to compromise....sometimes you have to do things for others..." are missing the point here. OP HAS helped them out at inconvenience to herself: she's hosted them on two separate occasions, for two nights each time. Everyone is different, and all relationships are different. It might be really easy for some posters here to spend hours and hours with people, but for others a real source of worry.

OP, you've done your part. Please look after yourself. "I'd love to help out, but I'm really exhausted and need some space right now. There is a really nice hotel on XYZ street you could try. It seems lovely."

Also, OP, prepare yourself. If your in-laws move close by, there will be more of this dropping in and hanging around 'til all hours, no doubt. Now is a good time to start practicing not saying yes to things you don't want to or can't do. Best of luck x

I was always tempted to show people who said “A clip around the ears never hurt anyone” just how wrong they could were!

Hit my dog or my kids and your ears would be ringing for weeks just from the sound of my voice.

I have never hit anyone, btw, but grew up with violence and people who lacked boundaries and were devoid of empathy. I wouldn’t have her in my house.

Just say. I'm sorry that's really not convenient. And you don't want things cluttering your house. You will help them being everything over when the house sale goes through

Have you got DC op? It's not clear from your posts (apologies if I have missed it). So can you go out & leave them to babysit? This time of year evenings are pleasant so why not eat separately to your ILs ... let them cook their own meal at 5pm ... go and meet your friend (take a bottle of wine/cakes to her home - she may appreciate the company) or a long walk with the dog?
I know evenings are difficult with guests .. I have been known to 'escape' to my place of work saying I have urgent work to do just to get away ... but I think for the sake of family harmony you just have to put up with it.