Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

178 replies

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:32

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 11/06/2023 18:40

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 18:23

Two different issues, but issues for me regardless.

Yes they have a TV in the room they stay in. It's a converted garage, so it has a sofabed in there, TV, own toilet, easy access to the kitchen, it's like a mini apartment.

I don't know how long they might be asking to stay for. I was hoping this time was the last time. I don't know why they want to come up again anyway, let alone so soon. That's assuming they do, they might not even ask, but they were talking about storing pots in my garden so they don't have to bring them on the actual move day. I don't know what difference a few pots are going to make in the grand scheme of moving from a large 3 bedroom house. So is this then going to be followed by "We're coming again to store more of our stuff at yours". I'm speculating here and I'm sure this isn't the case, but it seems a bit far-fetched to make a 200-300 mile-round trip to save you having to bring up some pots when you move.

I have a feeling they want to go back and see the house that they're buying again and are wanting to make friends with the sellers because of various comments they made while here. Maybe that's why. My mother in law's partner is a bit full on at times and pushy maybe is the word, although I think he's totally oblivious to this and I don't think it's his intention. When they made an offer on the house they're buying, I asked him a few hours later if they'd heard any news and he said "No" and then said he might go round and knock on their door and ask them what their thoughts were on the offer. My MIL told him he was not going to do that. Then this time, they went round to measure up the rooms - the measurements are all on the rightmove listing. They stayed there for 2 hours. There's been a few things he's done like this that I've thought were a bit OTT, but I don't think he does it to be overbearing. I think he's honestly oblivious.

So yeah, aside from trying to make friends with the sellers and dropping some pots off at ours, I don't really understand the need to stay at ours again. They also stayed a couple of weeks before the first time I mentioned here about them staying, as they were on holiday up here and wanted to stay an extra night to go to some concert. So I think in the past 6 weeks, they've stayed here on 3 separate occasions.

Could you sleep in the mini apartment while they stay? And let them have your room? That way you have your own space if an evening, or could you make plans to go out with friends (or take yourself out somewhere) and have them babysit for you?

In your position I would suck it up, but try and make the best of it as it is only temporary.

aloris · 11/06/2023 18:41

SlipSlidinAway · 11/06/2023 18:31

Bloody hell. I was going to say how unreasonable you were being and that putting family up in the circumstances you describe is just what you do. Then I read she smacked your dog. I would have hit the bloody roof. I'd tell her that, while you're still very angry about it, you're prepared to overlook it on this occasion but if she raises a hand to your dog again she won't be able to come to your house. Ever.

This. Although they've been polite before, it sounds like they're becoming too comfortable in your home: snuggling up on the couch to watch their tv show of choice when there's a tv in their room for that very purpose, and telling you a schedule of visits rather than asking, and not paying attention to the increasing frequency of your hosting between them and your SIL. Striking your dog and telling you how to train him is crossing a different line in the sense that it's behaving in a dominant way towards you in your own home. I wonder if they are changing their pattern maybe in preparation for living near you again.

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 18:43

mainsfed · 11/06/2023 18:38

OP, go ahead and send that text you liked upthread.

Remember there are a lot of MILs on this forum, they will often pro in laws.

This is very true, I didn't think of that. Perhaps overbearing mother-in-laws, which mine isn't. It's just I like my own space and 3 overnight stays in 6 weeks is too much for me, plus the sister-in-law and her kids thrown in there too, although she's fine because she loves staying in the garage conversion so happily takes herself off there for the evening to get away from all our kids while they're playing. It works well for us mostly.

OP posts:
Cammac · 11/06/2023 18:46

Your in laws will be staying in mini apartment with all amenities, which means they don’t have to take over your living room to watch TV? The mind boggles!

Just tell them they can stay and they have everything they need. You need your own space. Don’t we all…

If you can’t spell it out to them get your DH to put them straight. They’re his parents. Either they’ll agree or they won’t. If they won’t they can book a hotel.

changeyerheadworzel · 11/06/2023 18:46

I would lose my mind. Nope.

Datafan55 · 11/06/2023 18:49

.... And I would imagine your in-laws think you're all watching tv together. That's the way some people watch tv! - ie quietly and without chat.

P.S I am not a MIL.

NIparty · 11/06/2023 18:53

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:52

Sometimes we need to get over ourselves and do certain things for certain important people because we care about them and someday we may need their support or help. If two nights of very minor inconvenience is too much to contend with for your husband's parents, I'm not sure why you even bothered asking for opinions. Oh well. You reap what you sow.

Jesus youre a dick

mainsfed · 11/06/2023 18:54

😂

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/06/2023 18:58

Ooooooh no, even without the dog smacking business...

I think I'd have taken the remote control, sat down and put what I wanted on next, as soon as the program they were watching finished. I'd suggest if they don't want to watch what I am watching, they are welcome to use the TV in their room...

Hitting the dog for growling btw will make matters much much worse and probably quite quickly.

A dog that growls over resources can be fairly easily sorted out, as they're communicating clearly.

Punishment like smacking however teaches them not to growl, and does not make them feel any happier about the persons proximity to them (likely much worse) so soon you have a dog who bites without vocal warning.

If I were your visiting behaviourist, I would tell you (as I tell all my clients) - NOT to expose the dog to visitors who will not or cannot follow instructions designed to maintain or at least, not interfere with, the training/behaviour modification program.

EL8888 · 11/06/2023 18:59

Mulhollandmagoo · 11/06/2023 18:40

Could you sleep in the mini apartment while they stay? And let them have your room? That way you have your own space if an evening, or could you make plans to go out with friends (or take yourself out somewhere) and have them babysit for you?

In your position I would suck it up, but try and make the best of it as it is only temporary.

I think them staying in OP would be a strategically very poor move. Further fuelling the vibe of the in-laws ruling the roost

bowlingalleyblues · 11/06/2023 18:59

Either: “I’m a bit exhausted at the moment, and needing my space to decompress after work in the evenings so not up for guests. would you mind terribly staying at a premiere inn next time you’re up? Thanks for understanding 😊 “

OR

same message but “would you mind terribly going and watching telly in your room of an evening after dinner so I can have some time to myself 🙏

TeaDrinkerAnonymous · 11/06/2023 19:01

If your husband really said this I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." then he is a bit of a cheeky, disrespectful fucker for dumping the load of dealing with his parents on you.

Your dog needs some stability in its training and handling whilst you deal with its current behavioural issues, having someone around every few weeks who is happy to smack them needs to be kept away, smacking any animal and especially one with aggressive behavioural problems is disgraceful and likely to exacerbate the problem.

YWNBU to tell them to sleep elsewhere and that you will be too busy to entertain them during the day.

SpidersAreShitheads · 11/06/2023 19:01

CC4712 · 11/06/2023 18:38

I can't believe people are suggesting that the OP needs to recluse to her bedroom to watch the TV, or escape a friends house for a meal and leave the in-laws in her house!!! What madness is this! The in laws need to go to THEIR room and watch TV, leaving the OP in peace in her own lounge room!!! 🙄

Well yes, that's the obvious option but if OP was happy to do that she probably wouldn't need to post on here....

I suggested retiring to her bedroom to get a bit of space. I would have thought it was obvious that it would be better to tell the inlaws (very nicely) to piss off to their own quarters - but I'm assuming OP doesn't feel able to do that, or else she would have done so already?

So yes, for clarity, OBVIOUSLY it would be far better OP if you just told the inlaws that you need some quiet time in the evening and sent them off to watch TV in their own annexe/wing. But if you don't feel able to do that or you're worried about it causing friction and want to avoid it, then I would absolutely take myself off to my own room.

Hope that's clearer 😅

mainsfed · 11/06/2023 19:06

Mulhollandmagoo · 11/06/2023 18:40

Could you sleep in the mini apartment while they stay? And let them have your room? That way you have your own space if an evening, or could you make plans to go out with friends (or take yourself out somewhere) and have them babysit for you?

In your position I would suck it up, but try and make the best of it as it is only temporary.

Are you serious? Maybe OP should just move out altogether.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2023 19:06

I'd just tell dh that all plans for them coming to stay need to go through him, and he needs to book annual leave for every night they are here. If he doesn't do that, all stays stop.

Flammkuchen · 11/06/2023 19:12

OP - you really can’t tell your husband’s parents that they are not welcome, especially when they plan to move to be closer to you. They obviously have no idea that you find them so annoying.

As an adult, you can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you behave. Imagine if it was your children telling you that you’re not welcome.

My in-laws annoy me too sometimes, but I deal with it as they are DH’s parents and my kids love having their grandparents around. And it is their house as much as mine.

mainsfed · 11/06/2023 19:14

Flammkuchen · 11/06/2023 19:12

OP - you really can’t tell your husband’s parents that they are not welcome, especially when they plan to move to be closer to you. They obviously have no idea that you find them so annoying.

As an adult, you can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you behave. Imagine if it was your children telling you that you’re not welcome.

My in-laws annoy me too sometimes, but I deal with it as they are DH’s parents and my kids love having their grandparents around. And it is their house as much as mine.

Yes she can, when her husband is always away and she has the one who has to deal with them.

These people aren’t visiting once a quarter, it is fucking constant!

SheSaidHummingbird · 11/06/2023 19:18

"Sorry, lounge TV is broken. Fortunately for you, TV in your space is working fine!"

Hopelesscynic · 11/06/2023 19:20

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:41

Sorry, but I think you're being really precious and difficult. They are staying for a couple of nights and watch TV until 11pm. Not exactly a living nightmare. Very, very soon they will never have to stay over again because they will live near you. You really can't suck it up for one or two more nights? If you refuse then you'll just have to pull up your big girl pants and tell them no.

This.
What's the problem, it's not like they treat you badly? They like to watch a bit of TV till 11pm and want to leave a few pots in your garden to help their move..
If it were your parents needing to stay for a night or two, would you expect your DH to say no??

mainsfed · 11/06/2023 19:22

Hopelesscynic · 11/06/2023 19:20

This.
What's the problem, it's not like they treat you badly? They like to watch a bit of TV till 11pm and want to leave a few pots in your garden to help their move..
If it were your parents needing to stay for a night or two, would you expect your DH to say no??

You wouldn’t have problem with below?

I had my mother-in-law and her partner stay 2 weeks ago, the day they left, my sister-in-law and her kids came to stay for a few days, then a couple of weeks later, mother-in-law again, then I strongly suspect they'll want to visit in another couple of weeks to store stuff at our house, and then my sister in law wants to come visit again in 4 weeks time.

I don’t believe you, you wouldn’t put up with it, so why expect OP to?

BMrs · 11/06/2023 19:24

Sounds like they're just trying to sort the new house before the move. Is it really that bad to have them over? When my MIL visits I watch tv in my bedroom and take a long bath .

saraclara · 11/06/2023 19:25

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 18:33

Are you implying that I'm lying about that then?

No. I think you're just casting around for reasons that will get people on your side.

Like I said, I'm an intensely private introvert and struggle with having people to stay. But given that this is a short term and finite situation, I think you'd be unwise to start a family fire by telling them they can't stay.

When I've had family come to stay (or stayed with them) I've simply found ways to create my own space, and have done so with every effort not to be rude or a poor host. As far as I'm aware, no-one has minded

You have a room you can go to, and an excuse to do so (work) so in preference to upsetting you're reasonably low maintenance guests, I'd just use that excuse.

GCalltheway · 11/06/2023 19:31

saraclara · 11/06/2023 19:25

No. I think you're just casting around for reasons that will get people on your side.

Like I said, I'm an intensely private introvert and struggle with having people to stay. But given that this is a short term and finite situation, I think you'd be unwise to start a family fire by telling them they can't stay.

When I've had family come to stay (or stayed with them) I've simply found ways to create my own space, and have done so with every effort not to be rude or a poor host. As far as I'm aware, no-one has minded

You have a room you can go to, and an excuse to do so (work) so in preference to upsetting you're reasonably low maintenance guests, I'd just use that excuse.

Sara is a scorned in law

CheshireCat1 · 11/06/2023 19:33

Personally, I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

MysteryBelle · 11/06/2023 19:33

Op, there is a guaranteed way to stop them taking advantage. It’s tried and tested.

Put them to work.

This actually works in any and all situations where you want to be rid of pushy people. Especially people who are always wanting to come over or do things with you. The two keys for success are to 1) make the work nasty and tedious and sweaty, and 2) the work must be accomplished under a time crunch of some sort so they can’t wriggle out of it. If they are physically unable make it tedious as hades.

“Oh yes please come! Dh has a mild sprain and my sciatica is acting up so we will love having your help. Fil can dig the 3 foot hole(s) in the garden for new tree (or posts for security fence or both) and mil can help dig or prime the walls in the tv room for painting, these things must be done because of this and that reason. Thank you!!!”

They will think twice before darkening your doorstep again.

Guaranteed.

Put them to work. Take control of their stay/visit/presence.