How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

[ILCTM]

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

With them moving so close, this isn’t the time to sour the relationship
I disagree, given the update about how mil behaves as if she rules the roost I think it would be a wise move to freeze them out a bit or they'll be round all the time bossing OP about!

She hit your dog!! I wouldn’t have her in the house again.
Your husband is relying on your compliant nature. Tell him to deal with this. They’re not your parents. If he’s not willing to or makes you out to be difficult, then you have a husband problem.

I agree. I can't see why it's such a problem. They would probably think they were being rude if they sat in their bedroom watching tv leaving you on your own whilst your husband is at work.
It's hardly a huge problem.

I think I'd be tempted to go down the work route (maybe add in that you will need to catch up on some work in the evenings, maybe) and if they do come back with 'we won't disturb you' just state that it doesn't work for you as you can't fully concentrate.

If they try again soon, just state that you don't mind so much if it's absolutely necessary but if it's just to eg drop off pots then you'd rather not.

It is a lot to ask, OP. It sounds like you're really busy and everyone wants to crash after work and kid's bedtime.

To add, my MIL stormed out at Easter and it’s been absolutely wonderful not having to deal with her since. I’ve decided I need firmer boundaries so staying no contact hopefully.

Op you have to find some backbone this is going to be the least of your worries soon when they move here! You have to make your dh step up immediately, and start to say no!

See, this is my mother. I don’t want dinner at 5pm and then an evening of soap TV. Can’t think of anything worse. Like OP l need down time and own space. I would get DH to say no, he needs to be less passive and evasive about it

She smacked your dog???!!!

I would have gone completely batshit.

Tell her they can’t stay because you can’t trust her with DDOG.

How to make a mumsnet thread go your way when it's looking like you're BU:
Say that the person you're complaining about did something to your dog.

I'm going to keep that in reserve for when I need it.

I've read your posts up to about 4:30pm today @ILCTM and the way I'm reading it is that your DH doesn't have a close relationship with his parents and (this is probably key to your issue and resolution) he isn't around for the majority of their visits.

So, for this time, I think you'll have to suck it up.

However, as they seem to ask you instead of their son, you can say "I've spoken with DH and unfortunately we're not able to host you this time. We'll also have to ask you to arrange for your pots to be collected and brought to your new home as soon as you get the keys. Are things progressing well with that?" Or perhaps deliver the message in what's called a shit sandwich - Good news with a filling of bad news followed up with good news again.

Really? Is that your interpretation?
I would have said no way without the dog smacking. It’s too much. Her dh needs to properly step up and take the lead.

Two different issues, but issues for me regardless.

Yes they have a TV in the room they stay in. It's a converted garage, so it has a sofabed in there, TV, own toilet, easy access to the kitchen, it's like a mini apartment.

I don't know how long they might be asking to stay for. I was hoping this time was the last time. I don't know why they want to come up again anyway, let alone so soon. That's assuming they do, they might not even ask, but they were talking about storing pots in my garden so they don't have to bring them on the actual move day. I don't know what difference a few pots are going to make in the grand scheme of moving from a large 3 bedroom house. So is this then going to be followed by "We're coming again to store more of our stuff at yours". I'm speculating here and I'm sure this isn't the case, but it seems a bit far-fetched to make a 200-300 mile-round trip to save you having to bring up some pots when you move.

I have a feeling they want to go back and see the house that they're buying again and are wanting to make friends with the sellers because of various comments they made while here. Maybe that's why. My mother in law's partner is a bit full on at times and pushy maybe is the word, although I think he's totally oblivious to this and I don't think it's his intention. When they made an offer on the house they're buying, I asked him a few hours later if they'd heard any news and he said "No" and then said he might go round and knock on their door and ask them what their thoughts were on the offer. My MIL told him he was not going to do that. Then this time, they went round to measure up the rooms - the measurements are all on the rightmove listing. They stayed there for 2 hours. There's been a few things he's done like this that I've thought were a bit OTT, but I don't think he does it to be overbearing. I think he's honestly oblivious.

So yeah, aside from trying to make friends with the sellers and dropping some pots off at ours, I don't really understand the need to stay at ours again. They also stayed a couple of weeks before the first time I mentioned here about them staying, as they were on holiday up here and wanted to stay an extra night to go to some concert. So I think in the past 6 weeks, they've stayed here on 3 separate occasions.

I think you’re being a bit precious, when you said you don’t know why they want to take measurements… everyone who buys a house will pretty much have a viewing for measurements. Yes they’re on Rightmove but the actually space behind a door or along a wall with the door on it will need to be measured!

Or vacuuming and deep cleaning the living room while they're in there watching the TV... now there is a genius idea 😂

Your husband is being a dick. He's basically dumped his parents on you and walked away. You need to firmly make it his problem.

Bloody hell. I was going to say how unreasonable you were being and that putting family up in the circumstances you describe is just what you do. Then I read she smacked your dog. I would have hit the bloody roof. I'd tell her that, while you're still very angry about it, you're prepared to overlook it on this occasion but if she raises a hand to your dog again she won't be able to come to your house. Ever.

Honestly OP, yes, I think you're being a bit unfair. Like PP said, it's only going to be a couple of nights here and there - and once they move, they won't have to stay ever again.

I absolutely LOATHE people staying over and I don't like staying at theirs either (I'm autistic and just about as antisocial as you can get haha!) But I would suck it up because it's not unreasonable, and it sounds as if they're just a bit excited about getting sorted for the new house.

Also, I don't think I could care too much about my in-laws cuddled up together on the sofa but if it really bothers you, I'd head off to my bedroom and chill out up there on my own.

However, if you absolutely and definitely feel that it's too much to ask, then I'd suggest using the dog as an excuse. I don't agree with smacking dogs either - and have had similar arguments with certain older members of my family along almost identical lines as you! So you could say you've sought help from a dog trainer and they've suggested that while you're going through the process of retraining him, it's better not to have guests for prolonged periods in the home. She can't really argue with that because you're following the advice of a professional dog trainer - aren't you? 😅

Are you implying that I'm lying about that then?

I agree. Saying no is going to make your relationship harder. DO NOT suggest they use a hotel, that's incredibly rude. Suck it up. It seems like they like you and it's two or three evenings out of your life. You really don't have to sit up with them - you don't, do you? Have a bath one night. Meet friends another. Hint at a takeaway. Say you're going to their room to watch a programme you mustn't miss. Don't be this precious.

I can stand an overnight stay, but any longer- no way. I like to remove my bra in the evenings and put my PJ's on, but no way would I wander around like that with guests.

Bit of a drip feed now about the dog OP! Does she hit children too??? When they call/text about another stay I'd say something like:
'You clearly didn't like the way we train our puppy and considering you hit our dog on your last visit, it would be best if you didn't stay over. I hear that the XYZ hotel is lovely. If you want me to find out any details for it- let me know!'

So go to your friend's house, if her DH is working most nights you can share a take away. Say your friend has been feeling a bit low, so it's an ideal opportunity to go and cheer her up.

That is one night covered. Another night you can do an long bath/early night and a good book. That's the two nights done.

And also, I'd make a point of not leaving your dog in a room alone with her. And if she looks like joining you on a walk just say you're going to take him on your own.

All this is the temporary process of them buying a house ... Closer to your family. I am sure they are very grateful to have a home they can stay in for these trips, and they wouldn't be making the move if they weren't happy to spend time with you and your DH.

Of course you have to measure up yourself. You also have to go back to do all the things you are recommended to do, like check out the neighbourhood at different times. And I wouldn't call measuring up for 2hrs OTT or oblivious, just careful.

NB My parents have their own routine in the evenings (mainly tv). When I stay with them, I respect that, not least as they are older and tired by the evening. As it's your house and you object to what they are doing, you can sometimes say you are doing something in the lounge at x time (a programe, a social vid call (best reception), etc. Or go out - doesn't matter where.

OP, go ahead and send that text you liked upthread.

Remember there are a lot of MILs on this forum, they will often pro in laws.

I can't believe people are suggesting that the OP needs to recluse to her bedroom to watch the TV, or escape a friends house for a meal and leave the in-laws in her house!!! What madness is this! The in laws need to go to THEIR room and watch TV, leaving the OP in peace in her own lounge room!!! 🙄