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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

178 replies

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:32

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynnd · 11/06/2023 17:11

ItsCalledAConversation · 11/06/2023 17:05

Sometimes you have to very slightly inconvenience yourself for other people’s benefit. It sounds like that’s difficult for you, but you are an adult and will be able to cope. Use them as childcare and go out for the evening.
Ask them to play monopoly with you instead of watching tv.
Sit in the middle of the sofa so they can’t occupy it and snuggle (why does this bother you?)
Have a pamper night, early bath and bed
I dunno, chat to them!?

Sounds like the OP has already willingly inconvienienced herself for her inlaws.

It's one thing to help other people but you don't have to set fire to yourself to keep people warm.

If I were you OP I'd go out.

Lcb123 · 11/06/2023 17:12

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:41

Sorry, but I think you're being really precious and difficult. They are staying for a couple of nights and watch TV until 11pm. Not exactly a living nightmare. Very, very soon they will never have to stay over again because they will live near you. You really can't suck it up for one or two more nights? If you refuse then you'll just have to pull up your big girl pants and tell them no.

I think the same. It’s only temporary until they move. They sound very well behaved compared to a lot of guests

Jellycats4life · 11/06/2023 17:13

I think you need to grit your teeth and suck it up. There’s no nice way of telling them you can’t stand having them around, and there’s no coming back from that kind of insult.

Once they’ve moved, they’ll never stay with you again.

saraclara · 11/06/2023 17:15

This is a finite situation. Is it really worth trashing your relationship with them over a couple more nights of them doing nothing more offensive than sitting quietly watching TV?

I get that you're finding it hard, but really, I think the consequences of saying no to then would end up far more difficult for you than just taking yourself up to your office for a couple more nights.

Clymene · 11/06/2023 17:16

Snuggling up on the sofa in your DIL's home is weird. As is monopolising the telly.

I would absolutely tell them you're wiped out. Guests are tiring, even the considerate ones and these ones aren't.

Happydays321 · 11/06/2023 17:19

I'd just go to bed really early and leave them to it.
Say you're really tired or not feeling well.

IneedanewTV · 11/06/2023 17:19

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:52

Sometimes we need to get over ourselves and do certain things for certain important people because we care about them and someday we may need their support or help. If two nights of very minor inconvenience is too much to contend with for your husband's parents, I'm not sure why you even bothered asking for opinions. Oh well. You reap what you sow.

Agree.

toomuchlaundry · 11/06/2023 17:19

How much are you going to see them when they move closer to you? Do they know anyone else near you?

It’s not uncommon to revisit a house to do measurements. Estate Agent particulars are not accurate

Fluffycloudsblusky · 11/06/2023 17:19

In the last two weeks they have stayed 5 nights? Or around that. I hope that is correct.
You have a couple of options

Say yes but have a very early night or say that can stay but that you have arranged a night out with friends but they are still welcome to stay.

Ask them if they can postpone a month or so - you are very busy and feel you can’t host them well enough. You are extremely busy with work. Or some other excise

Say no.

No is likely to cause offense I am guessing. So I’d probably either say yes but arrange a night out/early night in your room with a nice book and a face mask or ask them to postpone.

if the do come it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask them if would the mind cooking that night as you have a lot of work on. Or suggesting to get a take away/go out for a meal. That breaks it up a bit

flimsywhimsy · 11/06/2023 17:19

I love my space, but I'd just suck it up, in this case. I'd excuse myself for an early night, then get comfy in bed and watch something on the laptop (with earbuds), read a book, eat some snacks, or maybe actually just go to bed early and catch up on sleep.

Cammac · 11/06/2023 17:21

If you’re happy to have them around during the day can’t you go to bed early (9ish?) And leave them to it?

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 11/06/2023 17:21

Fandabedodgy · 11/06/2023 16:54

There is no polite way to do this.

It's it really that a big deal to put your relatives up for a few nights a few times whilst they move house?

Crikey

This. Also, measurements on RightMove are unlikely to be right - of course they needed to take their own.

chocolatecheesecake · 11/06/2023 17:23

Moving house is a big deal for them, and it's only for a short time and then they won't ever have to stay over again. Can you turn this into a positive - they can babysit while you go out with friends?

toomuchlaundry · 11/06/2023 17:23

Can they come and stay when your DH is not on nights?

Kitkatcatflap · 11/06/2023 17:24

I think you are being a bit precious. It's an extra couple of nights and a few pots in the garden. If they are moving closer, realistically, they will not be asking to stay again - they will be able to go home.

You say you get on with them and they have been respectful enough to 'ask' you rather than turn up. Is it really worth risking upset?

If you don't like hanging out with them of an evening, arrange to go out with some friends they can babysit.

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 11/06/2023 17:25

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:43

Love this - Actually maybe this is the best route to go down. I think I'll do that. Close it off at the end so that it's not open for discussion or debate. Thanks!

Well you can do this but it would be very unpleasant….you can’t just be all jolly, say whatever you like and expect them to not notice that you’re being unpleasant. And you can’t feign outrage when they take offence either. (Amazing how people on here constantly talk about gaslighting and then suggest using it!)

I would be irritated too but this isn’t going to keep happening. If you upset them then it will be awkward for everyone when they move. I’d keep them on side if I were you.

saraclara · 11/06/2023 17:26

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 11/06/2023 17:21

This. Also, measurements on RightMove are unlikely to be right - of course they needed to take their own.

And measurements on right move are just basic length and width. They don't tell you how much room there is either side of the fireplace, or whether there's room for your fridge freezer between the end of the wall cupboard and the kitchen door.

Of course buyers need a measuring visit. You're just trying to find fault where there is none, OP.

itsmylife7 · 11/06/2023 17:28

Any friends you can visit overnight OP, or cheap hotel ?

Iceicebabytoocold · 11/06/2023 17:29

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 16:41

Sorry, but I think you're being really precious and difficult. They are staying for a couple of nights and watch TV until 11pm. Not exactly a living nightmare. Very, very soon they will never have to stay over again because they will live near you. You really can't suck it up for one or two more nights? If you refuse then you'll just have to pull up your big girl pants and tell them no.

Agree with this. If the situation was reversed I am sure you would appreciate somewhere to stay. If this was my MiL it would not bother me at all.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 11/06/2023 17:31

Jesus wept.

They're hardly shitting on the bed and shagging on the sofa.

They're your husband's parents, why is it so much of a hard ship to have them stay for a couple of nights? Just go to bed or go out if you can't stand to look at them.

If you tell them no you'll never be able to go back and I'd be surprised if they still moved to be closer to you.

People can be so selfish.

Devastateddaughter · 11/06/2023 17:33

Could you offer to go to the house for them and measure whatever they need?

BeyondMyWits · 11/06/2023 17:33

Everyone saying its only a couple of nights... plus the ones already done, plus another couple later as they forgot some vital measurement, plus a few nights while they fit a new kitchen, or the water is off when a bathroom is being done, and they can't stay home while the new carpet/paint smell is still there... isn't it so convenient now they have you close by...

You don't have to have them to stay, but I think you'll need to be blunt.

Tigofigo · 11/06/2023 17:34

Can you take advantage of the childcare and go out?! I'd bite their hands off for that

MatildaTheCat · 11/06/2023 17:34

Be careful, surely when they are nearby they have good potential for helping you out? Babysitting, house minding, plant watering, emergency wait for the plumber?

Just agree to it with gritted teeth, get super simple food in and retire early with your book ( and a stash of wine). And DH can sort out their room etc.

woodhill · 11/06/2023 17:37

I think it is quite rude of them to take over the living room like that, it's your home and they are guests