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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my in-laws that I don't want them to stay over again?

178 replies

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 16:32

So my in-laws currently live over 100 miles away from us and will soon be moving up closer to us. This is fine. I honestly don't mind them living nearby.

So they asked if they could stay with us 2 weeks ago for 2 nights while they look at houses. I said that's fine. They came, viewed houses, asked if they could stay an extra night to view more houses, I said that was fine (they always ask me and not my husband). They had an offer accepted on the house they like so I thought great, next time I see them will most likely be when they are moved here (neither side are in a chain).

So earlier last week, they texted me saying could they stay "overnight" as they wanted to come back up to go view the house they're buying again to take measurements. I don't know why, the measurements are on rightmove. Anyway, I took "overnight" to mean 1 night. I really didn't feel like having them back to stay again so soon after they'd just gone, but again said yes and it's only one night. It turns out 'overnight' didn't mean one night. They were here for 2 nights.

While they were here, they'd mention something about bringing some pots up "next time" so that they could leave them in our garden to save them bringing them up when they actually move. I didn't pay much attention to that until they were leaving and my mother in law said, "See you again..." laughed and then added "... soon." So I'm pretty sure this means they're planning on staying with us again in the next few weeks, which honestly fills me with dread.

I don't mind having them round in the day. I get on well with them, it's fine. It's just the evenings. They will sit in the living room watching TV from around 5pm until they go to bed at about 11pm. They'll be all snuggled up on the sofa together which also makes me feel pretty awkward and like a spare part, but they also sit in silence just focused on the TV. They have a TV, sofa, etc., in the room that they stay in, so I don't know why they can't just go take themselves off into there.

I've told my husband that I really don't think I can handle them here again so soon after the last 2 times, and his response was "Well it doesn't bother me because I'm not here." Not really very helpful. So is there a polite way to tell them I don't want them to stay if they ask me again? I know that I am most likely being unreasonable, but I guess the way I feel is the way I feel. I just like my own space of an evening. During the day, I'm fine with it, but I'm so exhausted from work come the evening (I work from home), the last thing I want is to spend the rest of the evening either in my office continuing to work or in my bedroom.

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 11/06/2023 17:37

It sounds like the main issue is they have taken over all the living space in the evening, and are not willing to do something different/ be sociable?

Would it not be easier to tackle that rather than trying to put them off? Especially if your husband won't say anything?

Be honest, say you don't enjoy the programmes they've picked? Suggest you watch something/ do something you want to do? And if not, direct them to the TV and sofa set-up in the guest room?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2023 17:37

BeyondMyWits · 11/06/2023 17:33

Everyone saying its only a couple of nights... plus the ones already done, plus another couple later as they forgot some vital measurement, plus a few nights while they fit a new kitchen, or the water is off when a bathroom is being done, and they can't stay home while the new carpet/paint smell is still there... isn't it so convenient now they have you close by...

You don't have to have them to stay, but I think you'll need to be blunt.

Having to make up imaginary situations that don't even exist only proves how weak your argument is. Fitting a new kitchen? No water? New carpets and paint? How creative of you.

Original poster
ILCTM · 11/06/2023 17:45

I understand that perhaps to some I am being unreasonable, and I can see it too in some ways, but it's the close proximity of the stays along with the fact that my husband's never home in the evenings when they stay. I'm a person that likes their own space. I crave it. I had my mother-in-law and her partner stay 2 weeks ago, the day they left, my sister-in-law and her kids came to stay for a few days, then a couple of weeks later, mother-in-law again, then I strongly suspect they'll want to visit in another couple of weeks to store stuff at our house, and then my sister in law wants to come visit again in 4 weeks time.

It also grated on me this time because my mother-in-law was just making snide comments about my dog. He's only young but he has started resource guarding a bit (for which we have a trainer booked in to help resolve). So my mother in law told me that he growled at her so she smacked him which I absolutely hate that she did that. I don't think you should be smacking any dogs, let alone someone else's! Then she began to almost tell me like she was proud that she smacked him and how she won't tolerate dogs behaving like that to her, how she's had big dogs before and won't be scared of a small dog like mine - as if smacking is going to stop negative behaviour. Then we took him for a walk and I was telling her about why he's having the training and she got a bit "Well you've got to be firm with them, you need to do this, you need to do that." It was just grating because I have the internet, I'm not stupid, I have looked into all sorts of ways to help my dog, but they haven't worked, which is why I've resorted to a professional. Anyway that's another issue and that's the first time I've seen that side of her, so I'm hoping it was a one-off.

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 11/06/2023 17:46

‘MIL I am just entering a really busy patch now at work, please text directly with dh for the time being - we can’t host anyone for the same reason. This hotel is good value and recommended locally ( link) dh and I are really looking forward to your move here. Good Luck with it all ‘

I8toys · 11/06/2023 17:47

YANBU. I can't relax with other people in my space and they have taken over your personal space on each visit. We have an agreement that I deal with my parents and DH deals with his. If your DH isnt even there then its left to you to be social and entertain them. What's it going to be like when they move up nearer to you - do you have any concerns about boundaries?

GCalltheway · 11/06/2023 17:48

On a separate note, given you have acquired the family dogs body title, i would be very concerned you are being lined up as future carer. Clearly dh couldn’t care less.

Strawberrydelight78 · 11/06/2023 17:48

Could you arrange to go out with a friend while they're staying? For a meal out or cinema. If you have dc I'm sure they won't mind babysitting.

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 11/06/2023 17:48

Do a gradual phase out. So next time it's so sorry we are busy etc.

It's nice they feel comfortable to spend time with you but it's extraordinary selfish to dominate the living room for so long. Watching TV when they have a sofa and TV in thier room.

Goldbar · 11/06/2023 17:54

Just go out when they come. If you have DC, message them, "Lovely! I'm due to be out with friends that night, but if you're going to be around for the kids, I won't book a babysitter".

They'll soon think you're the cf, tapping them for free babysitting 😂!

Setting · 11/06/2023 17:54

I feel you pain and they can’t be staying every two weeks when your DH is at work! My in-laws would be the same, dinner at 5pm and then sit in front of the Tv til bed doing the same thing. They do the same thing as brits abroad! I need to relax in the evening and not watch shit on tv. The thought of an evening of soaps is horrific.

queensonia · 11/06/2023 17:55

Use the pots as your excuse. Pretend you are concerned they are wasting money. Point out that it’s not cost effective to make a 200 mile round trip when presumably they will be using a large moving van for their big move anyway which will cost the same. Ask them how much cheaper the van will be if it doesn’t have pots in it. Have they actually costed it out? If the pots have plants in them say oh I do hope they won’t die before you move. I’m so busy at work I never have time to water the garden. I know they’re not the worst guests in the world but I totally get why you crave your own space

Cammac · 11/06/2023 17:57

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 17:45

I understand that perhaps to some I am being unreasonable, and I can see it too in some ways, but it's the close proximity of the stays along with the fact that my husband's never home in the evenings when they stay. I'm a person that likes their own space. I crave it. I had my mother-in-law and her partner stay 2 weeks ago, the day they left, my sister-in-law and her kids came to stay for a few days, then a couple of weeks later, mother-in-law again, then I strongly suspect they'll want to visit in another couple of weeks to store stuff at our house, and then my sister in law wants to come visit again in 4 weeks time.

It also grated on me this time because my mother-in-law was just making snide comments about my dog. He's only young but he has started resource guarding a bit (for which we have a trainer booked in to help resolve). So my mother in law told me that he growled at her so she smacked him which I absolutely hate that she did that. I don't think you should be smacking any dogs, let alone someone else's! Then she began to almost tell me like she was proud that she smacked him and how she won't tolerate dogs behaving like that to her, how she's had big dogs before and won't be scared of a small dog like mine - as if smacking is going to stop negative behaviour. Then we took him for a walk and I was telling her about why he's having the training and she got a bit "Well you've got to be firm with them, you need to do this, you need to do that." It was just grating because I have the internet, I'm not stupid, I have looked into all sorts of ways to help my dog, but they haven't worked, which is why I've resorted to a professional. Anyway that's another issue and that's the first time I've seen that side of her, so I'm hoping it was a one-off.

So you don’t want your MIL to stay because she smacked your dog? That’s well out of order … but a far cry from your original post.

Do they have a TV in their bedroom at your house? If so I’d be telling them they can stay but they need to retire early so I can get on with training the dog, with no distractions.

How much longer will they be expecting you to put them up?

Original poster
ILCTM · 11/06/2023 17:59

I8toys · 11/06/2023 17:47

YANBU. I can't relax with other people in my space and they have taken over your personal space on each visit. We have an agreement that I deal with my parents and DH deals with his. If your DH isnt even there then its left to you to be social and entertain them. What's it going to be like when they move up nearer to you - do you have any concerns about boundaries?

We used to live near them, but we moved away. They now want to live closer to us which is fair enough, but when we lived near them before, they were never intrusive. They'd always phone before coming round and to be honest, they didn't come round much at all. So I'm hoping it will be similar when they move. And I think if it becomes a problem when they move, I will say something if my husband doesn't because my options will be that or move and I don't want to move because I like it here.

I've not long moved here myself, so my friends are all back down where I used to live. I have one really good friend here though, but her husband also works most evenings and she has a daughter so difficult to arrange something child-free.

OP posts:
LuckyPeonies · 11/06/2023 18:00

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 17:45

I understand that perhaps to some I am being unreasonable, and I can see it too in some ways, but it's the close proximity of the stays along with the fact that my husband's never home in the evenings when they stay. I'm a person that likes their own space. I crave it. I had my mother-in-law and her partner stay 2 weeks ago, the day they left, my sister-in-law and her kids came to stay for a few days, then a couple of weeks later, mother-in-law again, then I strongly suspect they'll want to visit in another couple of weeks to store stuff at our house, and then my sister in law wants to come visit again in 4 weeks time.

It also grated on me this time because my mother-in-law was just making snide comments about my dog. He's only young but he has started resource guarding a bit (for which we have a trainer booked in to help resolve). So my mother in law told me that he growled at her so she smacked him which I absolutely hate that she did that. I don't think you should be smacking any dogs, let alone someone else's! Then she began to almost tell me like she was proud that she smacked him and how she won't tolerate dogs behaving like that to her, how she's had big dogs before and won't be scared of a small dog like mine - as if smacking is going to stop negative behaviour. Then we took him for a walk and I was telling her about why he's having the training and she got a bit "Well you've got to be firm with them, you need to do this, you need to do that." It was just grating because I have the internet, I'm not stupid, I have looked into all sorts of ways to help my dog, but they haven't worked, which is why I've resorted to a professional. Anyway that's another issue and that's the first time I've seen that side of her, so I'm hoping it was a one-off.

Smacked your dog and proud of it ?! Nope ! To me, that changes the situation to where i would just tell her ‘you staying here doesn't work for me’ without an explanation, instead of trying to be diplomatic and making up excuses.

Noicant · 11/06/2023 18:01

Honestly I’d suck it up, they are just sitting around watching TV. Go read a book or something or start on some chore you didn’t want to do like cleaning out a cupboard. It’s annoying but it’s temporary.

GCalltheway · 11/06/2023 18:02

ILCTM · 11/06/2023 17:45

I understand that perhaps to some I am being unreasonable, and I can see it too in some ways, but it's the close proximity of the stays along with the fact that my husband's never home in the evenings when they stay. I'm a person that likes their own space. I crave it. I had my mother-in-law and her partner stay 2 weeks ago, the day they left, my sister-in-law and her kids came to stay for a few days, then a couple of weeks later, mother-in-law again, then I strongly suspect they'll want to visit in another couple of weeks to store stuff at our house, and then my sister in law wants to come visit again in 4 weeks time.

It also grated on me this time because my mother-in-law was just making snide comments about my dog. He's only young but he has started resource guarding a bit (for which we have a trainer booked in to help resolve). So my mother in law told me that he growled at her so she smacked him which I absolutely hate that she did that. I don't think you should be smacking any dogs, let alone someone else's! Then she began to almost tell me like she was proud that she smacked him and how she won't tolerate dogs behaving like that to her, how she's had big dogs before and won't be scared of a small dog like mine - as if smacking is going to stop negative behaviour. Then we took him for a walk and I was telling her about why he's having the training and she got a bit "Well you've got to be firm with them, you need to do this, you need to do that." It was just grating because I have the internet, I'm not stupid, I have looked into all sorts of ways to help my dog, but they haven't worked, which is why I've resorted to a professional. Anyway that's another issue and that's the first time I've seen that side of her, so I'm hoping it was a one-off.

Well that would be the last time she stepped over he threshold!!! Smacked your dog!! 😡😡🤬🤬

’Mil the dog has taken to biting, I can’t have any guests here for the foreseeable’

Send to all the family and enjoy your poor dog. I would never ever put up that!

Thesharkradar · 11/06/2023 18:02

my mother-in-law was just making snide comments about my dog
so she's rude to you but you cant bring yourself to be rude to her?
Stop being a doormat, they are walking on you because you are lying on the floor!
I would say, 'sorry no can do, I've decided no more houseguests now as I need my solitude'.

Noicant · 11/06/2023 18:03

Ok yeah sorry she smacked your dog, not on.

EggInANest · 11/06/2023 18:03

It won't be ongoing, and in future they won't need to stay with you (or vice versa) for visits, so see it as an investment.

Saying 'no' will cause long lasting upset.

I get the 'space' thing - just say 'I plan to watch <your TV choice> tonight, so feel free to leave me to it and watch what you want in your room!'

Or

'I am feeling totally zonked out after work tonight so please don't take it personally if I don't talk or engage in any conversation - can barely open my mouth by the end of a work day and need to clear my head for tomorrow'

I would put paid to hosting the pots - tell them you don't want the responsibility of watering them, and anyway, removals firms are used to moving pots and it will be less work to just get them to move them rather than them carting them to you and then to new house.

I know it is annoying though - and 100 miles is a day trip in my book.

Now the evenings are long and warm can you retire to the garden with a glass of wine once they settle on the sofa?

saraclara · 11/06/2023 18:03

Goldbar · 11/06/2023 17:54

Just go out when they come. If you have DC, message them, "Lovely! I'm due to be out with friends that night, but if you're going to be around for the kids, I won't book a babysitter".

They'll soon think you're the cf, tapping them for free babysitting 😂!

Alternatively, they'll be perfectly happy to do so.

They're far from the in laws from hell, so why pretend that they are? They sit on the sofa and watch the TV. That (despite OP dredging up some drip feeds in order to sound more reasonable) is the sum of their inconvenience to OP.

I'm another one who craves privacy and space. But even I think that it's ridiculous to cause upset over this. It's not like it's going to last. If it bugged me hugely I'd just grab the chance to go out or visit a friend. Not make the PILs feel thoroughly unwelcome.

GCalltheway · 11/06/2023 18:04

saraclara · 11/06/2023 18:03

Alternatively, they'll be perfectly happy to do so.

They're far from the in laws from hell, so why pretend that they are? They sit on the sofa and watch the TV. That (despite OP dredging up some drip feeds in order to sound more reasonable) is the sum of their inconvenience to OP.

I'm another one who craves privacy and space. But even I think that it's ridiculous to cause upset over this. It's not like it's going to last. If it bugged me hugely I'd just grab the chance to go out or visit a friend. Not make the PILs feel thoroughly unwelcome.

Show quote history

They hit her dog!!!!! Did you miss that part?

Clymene · 11/06/2023 18:06

Anyone who hit my dog wouldn't come into my house again.

Also why are your SIL and her kids coming to stay all the time too? Is your husband working evenings then too?

EggInANest · 11/06/2023 18:07

Bloody hell - missed that she smacked your young dog.

Be really firm. 'you have your experience, I have mine. Smacking this young dog is NO part of his training, that's a house rule, OK?'

Begonne · 11/06/2023 18:07

DelphiniumBlue · 11/06/2023 16:56

I think that would be a really unfriendly thing to do. Better to set some boundaries - eg " Sure, but this week is full on so better if only one night this time - would you be able to fit everything in?" or " Sure, why don't you come on a day DH isn't working - Friday would be good" or " Great, would you mind the DC while I have a catch up with friends?" or "Of course, but I'm not feeling great so you won't mind if I slope to bed early."

Some great advice in this post.

With them moving so close, this isn’t the time to sour the relationship. I had to practice repeating phrases like these in the mirror until I got comfortable enough with the words to use them. It feels impossible to set boundaries until you actually do, and then there’s no coming back after you experience the self-respect.

Make it non negotiable that your dh comes home when they’re there!

LaGiaconda · 11/06/2023 18:09

I'd be inclined to say, 'No, that's not going to work out. The Premier Inn at X is only a mile down the road, and with any luck I'll be able to meet you at Pub Y nearby for a quick early supper, so we can at least catch up during your stay.'