To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

Aaaand then when the GF got home, she'd say to BIL "I don't want to have to spend time with your family anymore" and that would be it, the rift they've been trying to avoid. Might as well have not gone.

Seriously, there's no way of doing something like this without it causing a problem.

I would hate to do this – six months is nothing in the scheme of things and SIL wasn't just your SIL, she is your friend. At the very least I would scale it back to a quick drink in a crowded pub rather than a dinner here it's just you sitting across from them and have no escape from the conversation.

I also agree what PP have said about it being a sobering insight into how you'll be treated by your DH's family if you and he ever split up. Brutal.

You would be foolish to make this a big issue. BIL is family, of course the others aren't going to reject him for shit choices. Your ex-SIL is out of the family. She will move on with her life and not give a fuck about her ex-in-laws. It won't actually make any practical difference to her life if you socialise with BIL and his new partner or not. But it will affect your life, and your husband's, and your children (if you have anyway) because you are still a part of this family. No one will think "Well done, you!" for making a stand about this. All you will do is upset people who don't deserve it.

It’s not her business who her BIL picks as a partner. She may not even be friends with SIL in a decade.

I think I’d have to have a very open conversation with DH, BIL & MIL. I’d explain that, for you - this is all still very soon. It’s hurtful to see how they are all moving on so quickly and it’s highlighted how disposable you are based on their treatment of SIL.

whilst you completely understand that they will stand by and support BIL, you’re not there yet and you won’t be made to feel guilty for how you feel. You’ll meet her when you’re ready.

ultimately, you’ll have to make peace with the situation- they all will, including SIL. I think you will feel more comfortable when it’s on your terms and sometimes we just need to get those feelings heard to be able to move on.

I’m not judging her for having standards, I 100% understand that spending time exchanging niceties with these people is the last thing she would want to do however she shouldn’t be involving herself in her husband’s brother’s separation when it isn’t her battle to fight. If they last she’s always going to be the one that made it uncomfortable. If they don’t last, she’s still going to be that person. Keep friends close, enemies closer.

So many weird, dramatic, unrealistic, immature attitudes on this thread.

You’re being asked to have dinner with someone whose values you don’t approve of, and who has caused a friend distress. You don’t want to not go. In your shoes I would treat it as a restaurant meal with a friend of a friend who I know to be racist/far-right wing/homophobic/something else I don’t approve of and who has been that thing to a friend. Just pick something, put it in your mind and act appropriately. Very distant, don’t give anything of yourself or feelings of thoughts or opinions to this person, don’t share. Be civil, don’t be rude. Applies to BIL and the new gf. Conversation should be kept to totally impersonal subjects, nothing to do with any people including those at the table. If talk about any given person does come up - say nothing and don’t give in to the temptation to fill the vacuum. Remember always: it’s your BIL who’s out you in this situation, he Carrie’s the weight of it. You’re under no obligation to make his path smoother.

If DH complains after the event that you were rude or cold, tell him you’re not a trained monkey, that you won’t compromise your ideals, that you did what you could do in the circumstances he put you in. And remind him that it’s his BIL who has created even this discord between you and your DH, NOT you. None of this would have happened if BUL had kept his dick in his pants.

This isn’t about you, and it’s not your responsibility. You really don’t have to do anything. This is all on BIL and you don’t owe him any duty to compromise your relationships or your values because of his poor behaviour.

What on earth? How is that misogynistic? They’re ostracising her for her appalling behaviour - sleeping with her best friend’s husband, sleeping with a married man - not because she’s a woman. If the women were non-white, would you say “what a racist story”?

She’s a close friend now. What happens in 10 years is irrelevant, this woman may not even be in the picture.

BIL can choose to fuck whoever he likes, but if he fucks over a friend of hers in the process, OP is not obliged to pretend everything’s ok and act as if nothing has happened.

The whole idea of this meeting is in very bad taste and totally without any respect for the difficult situation it puts the OP in, or for the ex-wife.

I would expect them to leave it at least another 6 months.

What on earth? How is that misogynistic? They’re ostracising her for her appalling behaviour - sleeping with her best friend’s husband, sleeping with a married man - not because she’s a woman. If the women were non-white, would you say “what a racist story”?

The point is that she was being ostracised, but he wasn't.

@sheworemellowyellow

It’s dramatic and unrealistic to expect to go do a dinner and be politely cold slash rude.

If you’re going to be like that don’t go. And how could OP not be. Leave it a while until the whole shenanigan is less fresh and OP can genuinely play happy families.

She’s a friend by default. I was close to my brother’s ex for many years then he met someone else whom I now have a close relationship with, whether or not he left his ex for this woman is neither here nor there as it’s none of my business, he’s with her now & that’s his choice & my brother is more important to me than his ex & op should not make it awkward for her BIL regardless of her feelings

She said she barely speaks to the husband, only makes polite conversation because her children are friends with his. That sounds as close to ostracising as possible when your DC are friends.

In circumstances where the gf is ostracized I can’t imagine things are carrying as normal with the DH. Of course they’re both shunned. Appalling behaviour by both of them. Poor kids.

The OP has been given a choice by her DH: upset me by not going, upset yourself by going. She’s married to a man who has presented her with this conundrum. It is what it is. What would you do? Divorce your DH? Cause a row in your marriage too by not going? Or go, and out the onus fairly and squarely back where it belongs: on the BIL. Let him squirm. It’s his doing, his actions. The drama is his. Nobody owes him a duty to help smooth his path and make his life easier for him.

op should not make it awkward for her BIL regardless of her feelings

What on earth?! BIL should not make it awkward for OP! This is his doing, not OP’s! It’s utterly cowardly and bullying behaviour putting his brother, SIL and DM in this situation. Pathetic.

She’s only an in law, she’s replaceable so doesn’t feature high enough in pecking order to interfere with family politics

What would I do? I wouldn’t go obviously. I don’t give a fuck if my partner is upset, to be fair mine wouldn’t put me in that position as he’s intelligent and sensible.

You can see nobody owes BIL anything in terms of smoothing his path; but then you go wrong thinking OP has to go nonetheless because her DH says so. Who gives a fuck? What is this weird compliance with the patriarchal law?

I can assure you BIL will not squirm in any way.

You got that right. And that’s why OP shouldn’t comply.

That’s not what OP says at all - she’s a close friend and a bridesmaid. This isn’t about you and your relations.

Most people aren’t so combative with their partner in an otherwise happy relationship. Indeed, OP has been understanding of him wanting to maintain his relationship with his brother, and has been civil to said brother.

It’s nothing to do with ‘tHe PaTriAcHy’ (but if you want to go that route, it seems pretty patriarchal to hold the ‘ow’ - who may not even be the ow - to a higher standard than the BIL), it’s about family relationships. No one has done anything against OP, but she wants to insert herself in something that really doesn’t need to concern her.

I couldn't go. They are both pigs.

There is no combat - my DP wouldn’t expect me to go and if he did he’d accept my decision. What you really mean is that too many MNers avoid confrontation and what their DH says.

In what way am I holding the OW to any different standard to BIL? I don’t want to see either of them. I hold the BIL far more responsible as he’s the one who cheated, and is now trying to put me in an unacceptable position.

By default, guaranteed she wasn’t friends before she met BIL. Her opinion is as relevant as my circumstances so she should grow up & give over with self righteousness given it’s none of her business

It really doesn’t matter how they met, they’re close friends now.

Women have agency outwith the demands of their families and male relations.

If you cheat on my close friend I’m not going to upset her and myself by playing immediate happy families for your benefit. I don’t care if you’re a family member, I will deal with you when I choose, not on your brush-everything-under-the-carpet timeline.

This.

Also, judging by his piss poor decisions so far I wouldn't be surprised if BIL has his twin girls far less than 50/50.

OP, I'd ask your DH whether he and his family have factored that in to their calculations while they're busy bending over backwards to pander to his stupid brother. Have they considered that an ongoing close relationship with their grandchildren/nieces is likely to be greatly affected one way or another by the way they treat her mother?

I'd also be asking what I should take from this situation about how disposable his family consider me to be and whether i should amend my effort towards them accordingly.