To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

Where has she said she’s fine being civil with BIL?

As above.

I completely agree with this.

Sadly, at least you'll know how quickly your DHs family move on from you, should your DH do the same to you!

But again, we don’t know what’s being expected here.

If BIL and gf turn up at family events, of course OP should be civil.

But if this meal is out a meal with OP, DH, BIL and gf, then OP shouldn’t have to go.

Polite 5 min chit chat at family event -fine -be polite then move on

A dinner date for the 4 of you? That's really not something you can just attend and just be polite /civil. Far too awkward.

Suggest a coffee meet up or you go over for tea cakes one afternoon (maybe when kids there) . Make it all less awkward.

Or 2 brothers go out on their own first.

If you are meeting the new one just don't try to hide it to your ex sil, be upfront. Don't lie to her saying you are not going to be friend with her as you don't know what the future hold. My ex sil best friend is doing it to me st the moment and it hurts badly, I have no problem wit her meeting the girlfriend of ex husband but that what she is telling me that is upsetting, sayoling she is not going to be friend with her, she is not going her way to meet her and she is just being polite. For eg she could not come today as she was tired as just back from holiday but my son told me that she was ex husband meeting the girlfriend and her parents ( why lie, the lie is more hurtful).

Family members getting together for dinner is indeed a ‘family event’.

the DH isn’t asking OP to be best friends with the woman, he’s asking her to be civil like she has been so far.

That’s your DH’s brother so you must set your feelings aside. Despite your opinion he has chosen this woman who may go on to be part of the family for many years & I would be furious if my husband’s feelings about my brother caused problems with our relationship. Besides it’s really none of your business

Why are you and @Gymgoingfool so patronising? There’s no need, just talk like rational people please.

By a family event I meant where the wider family are getting together, like a dinner hosted by PIL, a party etc.

OP being expected to have dinner with BIL and gf as a double date would be unfair to OP.

I had this, My Brother invited the OW to a Boxing day meal, I was & am still solid friends with his first wife who was treated appallingly.
I remember watching this OW with interest, didn't speak to her at all, she was clearly very uncomfortable.
My parents just had to accept that this was my brother's new companion..
I still don't like OW much, I cannot see what DB finds attractive in her, (do you want a list of things I find strange?) She can be quite drole though.
She came with her teenage son who my B then brought up.
My 3 nieces accept her quietly, though at least 2 of them really can't stand her.
She has a drink problem, is Bipolar, & left my B a couple of years ago for a tradesman, although they patched it up after a year or so.
My children dislike her, & will not accept she is their aunt. For them, their aunt is the mother of their blood cousins, who they love !

She doesn’t have to set her feelings aside.

It will take OP a while but when the betrayal is not quite so fresh and the ink is dry, she can see them then.

There is absolutely no obligation to kowtow to men whatsoever.

We been through this with a family member. The bloke cheated on his wife, they had 2 children and she was pregnant with their third. She lost the baby at 20 weeks after finding out what he’d done.

Dirty, lying bastard. He was cut out by most family, including his parents when the full extent of what he’d done became known.

She can feel what she feels but it’s none of her business. If she refuses to engage then that could potentially damage husband’s relationship with his brother & rest of family & she has absolutely no right to do. She should have her feelings in private & suck it up for sale of DH, which I expect he would have to do if tables were turned.

We are ‘talking like rational people’.

We don’t know that this isn’t in fact a larger family get together. That said, my husband and I will occasionally get together with my sibling and his partner. It isn’t a formal dinner date, it’s two sibling getting together. Her husband wants to normalise his relationship with his brother, something OP has been fine with so far. If she’s managed to be civil with the actual cheater (if indeed he even is a cheater, OP doesn’t in fact know that), then why is being civil with his partner an issue?

But that’s exactly what I’ve been saying, we don’t know what kind of gathering this is. OP says meeting at a family bbq would be worse, which makes me think DH expects OP to have dinner with BIL and gf as couples, which is not fair on OP.

Honestly I'd be inclined to sit their and make chit chat with her about how they met and when all nicey nicey and then make comments about how close it was to him ending his marriage and mention his baby daughters and just generally make her feel very very uncomfortable

Yes, I know. And I’ve replied expressing why I’m not sure it actually matters.

or instead of feeling uncomfortable in the face of blatant passive aggression, she laughs at it.

Of course it’s her business, the wife he dumped is a close friend.

She doesn’t have to ‘refuse to engage’; but she’s perfectly entitled to wait until the dust has settled before she starts socialising with the two of them.

She has the right to be upset and the right to do what is right for her and her friend.

DH can sort his own stuff out, he can go and see his brother and the new woman.

Are BIL & SIL divorced yet? Because that would be the time when I could accept I needed to move on. Not have dinner with BIL & OW whilst he’s still married to my friend. And then I would add in to my decision making whether how he had conducted himself during the divorce.

If you must be involved in all this - and if it was me - I think I'd be talking to the GF. Tell her you want to be upfront, you're friends with exSIL and will continue to be, that her children will continue to be in your lives as well.

And then be very civilised and say - I know you were together before the split, I'm sure you're aware that a lot of people have been hurt by what happened. I can't in all honesty think that we may ever be friends in any sense but to keep happiness in my husband's family I'll do my best to be civil. So please don't try to push me into anything more or call me out on anything as this is difficult.

Your husband shouldn’t expect you to go. I wouldn’t. He can do what he likes.

I would go purely to find out what she’s like. It isn’t her fault, it’s BIL but I would want to see what she’s like and how they are together.

I would also ask him how the children are coping.

It would be much better not to go then to say the things in Smudgebutts post!