To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

Unfortunately this is one of those horrible things that adults have to do, similar to cleaning a toilet or unblocking the sink. You have to put on your rubber gloves, take a deep breath and try to not think about the scummy debris that is near you. Perhaps it won’t be as bad as you think, but if it’s awful you can have a stiff drink to help.

Go along to the meal, be polite and try to avoid making any retching noises if they hold hands or kiss while you are watching!

Where are you meeting? Is it just the four of you?

I know it’s easier said than done, but I would only meet them at family events from now on. If DH wants to go out for dinner with them he can but I wouldn’t want to associate with them beyond unavoidable family meetings.

It's also easy to spot which posters have.

Many people are simply of the opinion that, hurtful as it might have been for the parties involved, it isn't really something other people need to get involved in.

To be honest, I'd find it harder sitting with him than the new gf. He was the one with a wife he was the one with a family and he was the one who had the responsibly to be loyal and faithful and let everyone down. Don't get me wrong I'm in no way absolving anyone for knowingly being the ow but I think it's wrong to apportion more blame to her when she's got no responsibility towards his family. He does. So if you can be civil to him then I don't see why you can't be civil to her when (in my eyes) he holds more blame than she does.

Its a horrible situation and I wouldn't blame you for being 'ill' but if you'd rather do it this way than at a family event then it's probably better to get it over with. I think I'd be really annoyed at dh for not understanding why this is asking so much of you and I'd be annoyed that he's so quick to support his dbs actions but then got bil has really put everyone in an awkward position. If you decide to go, I'd have a few topics of conversation lined up already so you can stick to very basic stuff like what you'd talk to a stranger about and just do the minimum and let them do the most of the chatting. If it gets too much then I think you agree in advance with your dh that you'll take a migraine and need to go home so you'll have an exit strategy? Would he open to that since you're making a huge effort by going in the first place.
Your poor sil.

Because as far as we’re aware they all get along, which is a pretty good thing generally. Do you think she should ruin every potential future family gathering by giving her options to her husband’s brother and girlfriend which is none of her concern because it’s between them and the ex just because she’s her friend?

Personally I would not speak with any of them , let alone make any effort .

I wouldn’t go. My partner would never ask this of me.

My comment was not about BIL I asked about the OW

My husband ‘expects’ me to go with him to see his family, who have not done anything against me, and not make a show of myself. I ‘expect’ the same of him. It’s hardly so outrageous a concept that it requires addressing.

it’s totally up to OP if she goes or not, but her husband is hardly asking something extraordinary of her. It’s up to her if she wants to create problems for herself and her relationships in the name of being moral arbiter.

But the op can bring herself to be civil and not show her feelings to her bil. Ya know the man who actually is supposed to have cheated on his ex. Not that she even knows for sure if he did or not. And yet she doesn’t want to do the same to the woman.

bloody hate double standards. Hate them.

And how long would you take the moral high ground for? Will it just be this event? If they stay together are you going to miss every wedding, Christmas, birthday? I’m sure you being upset on the ex wife’s behalf isn’t their biggest concern.

The consequences of their bad behaviour is you fracturing the family by not being adult enough to be civil to someone that you don’t like.

And this. She’s fine being civil with the guy who actually left her sister in law, but the ‘ow’ (if indeed she was even the ow) is somehow a step too far? How does that work?

This is a strange thing to say. He'd never forgive you for not going to meet someone? How bizarre.

Seems like you have taken the high ground here and you are judging the OP for having some moral standards.

You can spot the ones who have too.

Personally I’ve got zero interest in taking on the role of tutting village busybody and policing everyone else’s moral standards when it comes to their personal relationships.

it’s totally up to OP if she goes or not, but her husband is hardly asking something extraordinary of her. It’s up to her if she wants to create problems for herself and her relationships in the name of being moral arbiter.

It would be OPs husband creating problems in their relationship if he had an issue with OP not going. Nice bit of blaming trying to blame the OP though. 🙄

If my partner asked this of me, I would class it as a very big ask. I don’t mix with cheaters, even ones in our family. It’s on them, not me. My partner would never, ever ask me to do this. He knows my views on cheating.

She has no moral standards. Non what so ever. As the man who actually cheated on his wife she behaves fine to. If she’d moral standards he’d get the worse treatment.

He would. He would get over it. It’s ok if it’s too soon.

Well yes, I do think it would be OP’s fault for causing needless problems over something that doesn’t actually involve her.

and OP is perfectly fine mixing with ‘the cheater’ outside of this.

I would be feeling exactly the same resentment as you but i can see in the long run it's probably better to get it over with.
If it were me i would be polite and cautious i would not be giving much of myself away ,and i would bide my time to see if this relationship will last , you may not approve now but you never know she could become just as much of a friend as your sis in law.
Also he may be a lying shit but there are 2 people in a marriage and maybe they just weren't the right fit for each other.
I am certainly not defending their behaviour and my loyalties would always be with sis in law and kids but if they stay together its going to be bloody hard work to keep up a cold hard attitude every time you are in her company.

You don’t know that this is a family event, thought.

It could just be a double date, which would make me 🤮 too.

Agree. And not only does she mix with him she doesn’t actually know if there was an affair, she’s just going on the ex’s suspicions, mixing with her bil just fine and wanting to stick it to thr new woman.

very poor behaviour

Nowhere has OP said she has mixed with BIL. She says her H doesn’t want to cut him off anymore so it sounds like they HAVEN’T been mixing.

“I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family”

in the OP.