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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

345 replies

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 00:45

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

OP posts:
Gillbil · 11/06/2023 18:12

I would feel exactly the same, also while mil might rallying around her son ( I'm judging her but I can accept her point) by immediately welcoming the OW and to a point the affair ( because it is obvious and just because she doesn't say it out loud doesn't mean she doesn't she the truth) She's effectively chose the OW over her grandkids- I'd be curious to see how her involvement in the grandkids is effected

TunnocksOrDeath · 11/06/2023 18:39

My Mum's a Catholic (but I don't believe). She would say there's some situations where the best thing to do is hate the sin, but love the sinner. This might be one of those situations, frustrating as it is.

whumpthereitis · 11/06/2023 18:58

Mirabai · 11/06/2023 16:14

There is no combat - my DP wouldn’t expect me to go and if he did he’d accept my decision. What you really mean is that too many MNers avoid confrontation and what their DH says.

In what way am I holding the OW to any different standard to BIL? I don’t want to see either of them. I hold the BIL far more responsible as he’s the one who cheated, and is now trying to put me in an unacceptable position.

Show quote history

I’m referring to OP. There is combat in this case, they are at odds.

I have zero issue with confrontation, but this isn’t OP’s fight. There is no need for her to take on the mantle of moral arbiter in her in-law relationships that ultimately have nothing to do with her. Not that she even has an issue with being civil to the BIL, she doesn’t. She’s chosen meeting the ‘ow’ (and once again, we don’t actually know she’s the ow, OP and the ex are only assuming she is) to be her weird hill to die on.

Mirabai · 11/06/2023 20:33

whumpthereitis · 11/06/2023 18:58

I’m referring to OP. There is combat in this case, they are at odds.

I have zero issue with confrontation, but this isn’t OP’s fight. There is no need for her to take on the mantle of moral arbiter in her in-law relationships that ultimately have nothing to do with her. Not that she even has an issue with being civil to the BIL, she doesn’t. She’s chosen meeting the ‘ow’ (and once again, we don’t actually know she’s the ow, OP and the ex are only assuming she is) to be her weird hill to die on.

Show quote history

No no - nothing to do with being moral arbiter in someone else’s relationship - if OP didn’t know the ex-wife well it’s unfortunate but it’s not her problem. But she’s actually a close friend and BIL’s actions impact not only ex-wife and his kids, but friends and and family too.

I’ve seen this play out in real life and it’s very painful for the shat on ex wife for friends and family to jolly along with BIL and new bird. If she was a friend of mine I wouldn’t do that to her. I would have to socialise with them both eventually but I would wait until the dust has settled. I would expect BIL to understand I’m in a sensitive position and respect that.

Dutch1e · 11/06/2023 22:02

TunnocksOrDeath · 11/06/2023 18:39

My Mum's a Catholic (but I don't believe). She would say there's some situations where the best thing to do is hate the sin, but love the sinner. This might be one of those situations, frustrating as it is.

What exactly does that mean in practice? Go to dinner and be loving towards the 'sinner' (BIL and maybe OW) then gripe behind their backs? Really, how does it work?

whumpthereitis · 11/06/2023 22:19

Mirabai · 11/06/2023 20:33

No no - nothing to do with being moral arbiter in someone else’s relationship - if OP didn’t know the ex-wife well it’s unfortunate but it’s not her problem. But she’s actually a close friend and BIL’s actions impact not only ex-wife and his kids, but friends and and family too.

I’ve seen this play out in real life and it’s very painful for the shat on ex wife for friends and family to jolly along with BIL and new bird. If she was a friend of mine I wouldn’t do that to her. I would have to socialise with them both eventually but I would wait until the dust has settled. I would expect BIL to understand I’m in a sensitive position and respect that.

Show quote history

Of course it’s about being a moral arbiter, but only when it concerns the ‘ow’. BIL is a family member, and one she’s quite happy being civil to even though he’s the one that hurt her friend.

It may be painful for the ex wife, but again that doesn’t require OP to involve herself in BILs relationship choices and damage her relationships with her own extended family members.

PeskyPotato · 12/06/2023 18:15

Urgh! Been there!

It was FIL and step mum in law who I adored. He cheated and walked out and moved in with her. Within weeks he asked if the kids could call her grandma. I couldn't even look at her. Don't have anything to do with either of them, just so toixoc. but ex step mum in law is still granny and always will be.

Smiffy58 · 12/06/2023 18:18

20 + years ago, I met up with my sister's ex, who'd had an affair, no kids tho. We had always been close. My now ex had left me for a new woman, and moved to the other end of the country. We went to the pub where my godson was living with his dad, a very difficult situation as his mum is one of my oldest friends, and it had been a horrible business. We had a conversation that centred around the fact that we wouldn't have many friends left if we "took sides". I've not expressed this very well, but I would try to be gracious, although I agree you will find it difficult! And I now get on really well with my ex's missus, and my husband's ex!

Livelovebehappy · 12/06/2023 18:22

I honestly couldn’t sit there with someone whose moral compass was set so low. And I’m talking about both of them here. Luckily for you, if there’s a few people there, you don’t have to engage with her apart from being civil. What an awful situation.

Pottedpalm · 12/06/2023 18:24

RedRosette2023 · 11/06/2023 07:31

I don’t know why you’ve saved this for the OW. It was BIL who was married.

This.

Scottishskifun · 12/06/2023 18:45

Ooffff I don't think I would be able to sit through it!
Personally I would ask questions like how are the twins.....or talk about cost of living crisis and it being a terrible strain on families especially single parents!
I would be civil with OW but not friendly I also think it's not you being unreasonable here but your DH expecting you to play happy families with his brother when he has caused so much hurt to someone who you are very close to!

Sennelier1 · 12/06/2023 18:49

I think, for peace in the family, I would be capable of seeing the BIL's new fling in "general" circumstances, like a larger party. I would most def. not go out and have dinner as in double-dating.

Avidreader99 · 12/06/2023 18:58

I don't usually comment but I have been the other woman/new girlfriend so I wanted to give another perspective. If she's like me she will completely understand how you feel and will be very anxious about the meeting knowing how people feel about her. There are 3 sides to every story, theirs, your sister in law and the truth in the middle. Try not to judge and if you can be civil, it's more than she's probably prepared herself for. There's no need for you to be best friends but if they stay together she will be involved with your nieces and be at family events and for their sake you want things to be civil.

neverwantedthis22 · 12/06/2023 19:02

HeddaGarbled · 11/06/2023 01:12

I’d be tempted to be strategically ill. Imagine how your friend must be feeling: airbrushed out of the family.

I like that phrase. That's exactly what happened to me. Over night airbrushed out of the family when stbx ran away to be with ow. I can't understand how they welcomed ow into the family with open arms. Of course I was crazy etc etc. It really hurt though. 18 months in and not one has been in touch to see how or more importantly our 2 children are.

FootieMama · 12/06/2023 19:31

The way I see this is not really her fault. It was your BIL who cheated on your friend. If you are maintaining a relationship with him when he is alone your should treat her nicely too.
Relationships are complicated. You may even like her.
But I get it must very hard for you

Mirabai · 12/06/2023 19:38

whumpthereitis · 11/06/2023 22:19

Of course it’s about being a moral arbiter, but only when it concerns the ‘ow’. BIL is a family member, and one she’s quite happy being civil to even though he’s the one that hurt her friend.

It may be painful for the ex wife, but again that doesn’t require OP to involve herself in BILs relationship choices and damage her relationships with her own extended family members.

Show quote history

You’re confused. My position that I wouldn’t go is all about BIL’s behaviour and loyalty to the friend, nothing to do with the OW who is a stranger.

OP is involved with her close friend and shmoozing BIL so quickly will cause her friend pain and may damage her friendship.

nodeerinere · 12/06/2023 19:40

You could be like my cheating ex’s family who embraced the other woman from pretty much day 1.

We had a family holiday booked with in-laws. It went ahead - 6 months after we split - with her and her 5 children (who the in laws paid to attend the holiday)

🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

mambojambodothetango · 12/06/2023 19:58

Not read whole thread but based on the OP you mention that the OW was the cause of the upset to your friend and your nieces. Surely it was the BiL who did the cheating (or if not cheating then the leaving and rapid hooking up) so I would think it's him you should be blaming (if anyone). Living together already when he has 2 DDs?? I just can't fathom how someone can do that to their DC.

StaunchMomma · 12/06/2023 20:15

I think I'd have a timely migraine.

You're a way better woman than me if you can sit through that with a smile on your face, OP!

StaunchMomma · 12/06/2023 20:21

Your husband is being a dick here, OP. He's treating you like an extension of himself & one that has to tow the line.

Feck that!!

If he can't be decent to you re your feelings/opinions but you have to swallow yours and be all pally pally with the creep BIL and his mistress?!

Twat.

StaunchMomma · 12/06/2023 20:22

Show him this thread, OP! He needs a head wobble and we all feel like providing it!

LadyEloise1 · 12/06/2023 20:42

nodeerinere · 12/06/2023 19:40

You could be like my cheating ex’s family who embraced the other woman from pretty much day 1.

We had a family holiday booked with in-laws. It went ahead - 6 months after we split - with her and her 5 children (who the in laws paid to attend the holiday)

🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OMG !
Horrendous people.

AngelinaFibres · 12/06/2023 20:49

vibecheck · 11/06/2023 01:01

@stayathomegardener honestly I’ve only posted on here because DH and I are fresh off the back of a row about it, I have warned him I won’t be able to hold back for any longer than it takes for us to get into the car.

A BBQ at MIL’s would be much worse for me I think, it’s so much more “happy families”. I think at least in this meeting I don’t have to see her treating new gf like family and pretending like they didn’t clearly didn’t have an affair

My exhusband did this to me when our sons were 3 and 2. It ended up being the very,very best thing that ever happened to me. Your BIL has shown you/ his wife who he really is. His wife/ your friend will be better off without him. You have to have some sort of relationship with him and the OW ,that's just how families work. His gf will be well aware that you know all about it. Be polite,stay off alcohol and carry on supporting your friend. As the quote goes " how she got him is how she will lose him".

CelestiaNoctis · 12/06/2023 23:02

Why do you have to go? If she was your bridesmaid then clearly you're extremely close. And it's his brother. It just seems way too soon to put this on you, like 6 months and you're supposed to be cool? No lol. I'd just say no I'm sorry, you can go but I'm not going to because ex SIL or not she's always going to be your family and a very close friend and you just don't agree with his brothers side at all.

Saying all this... personally I'd just go and say nothing and be invisible and then just bitch to the ex SIL when I got home 😆.

Grumpy101 · 12/06/2023 23:21

You have to go and be polite, otherwise this becomes an even bigger thing.

You don't know what their marriage was like, only the 2 people in that marriage can know.

You can of course still be friends with ex SIL but she needs to understand you have no choice but be polite to new woman. If exSIL is at all reasonable, she'll get it.