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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

378 replies

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:02

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

OP posts:
Sonnywith · 10/06/2023 23:02

It’s about her, nobody else, if she doesn’t want to go it’s unfair to force her.

BlahBlahBlerg · 10/06/2023 23:03

As above.

JMSA · 10/06/2023 23:04

God, I do feel for you though. It's fucking unfair Flowers

Heronwatcher · 10/06/2023 23:07

Yeah, let her come home if she wants to.

That said next time she starts moaning about how much she misses him, I would probably remind her that she could have stayed and not give much sympathy!

But yes, you have to be the bigger person, just because he’s not doing all he could she shouldn’t have to suffer. Home is her safe space by the sounds of it.

MintJulia · 10/06/2023 23:07

Only you can say how close to exhausted you are. My ds only stays with his df 14 nights a year, any more and he's on the phone wanting to be collected. But I don't mind.

GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 23:07

She is 6 years old.
She feels safe and comfortable with you.

Pandonut · 10/06/2023 23:07

Sonnywith · 10/06/2023 23:02

It’s about her, nobody else, if she doesn’t want to go it’s unfair to force her.

I agree with this.

Also cut yourself some slack. A settled, stable and happy home doesn't have to mean going to the park when you're shattered or running yourself ragged.

rightioly · 10/06/2023 23:09

Is it not possible for him to do Friday to Saturday? Would that work

GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 23:09

This reply has been deleted

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Wishitsnows · 10/06/2023 23:10

Your child is so lucky that she can ask to come home. So many mums have to force their children to go to shit dads because the courts force them.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2023 23:10

I would let her come back to sleep at home BUT I think (if you're happy with this) he should babysit her at your house at least one evening a week, do bath and bedtime there and stay in longer if you want to go out for dinner etc, this would give you some down time and also make her feel more comfortable doing her nighttime routine with him in her own environment, she might as a next step feel more able to do this in his environment.

Okshacky · 10/06/2023 23:11

I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it unless you’re getting blind drunk do this when she’s home.

Theunamedcat · 10/06/2023 23:13

Maybe she has worked out daddy doesn't really want her around whining that he has a life too is hardly welcoming for her

Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:13

I do agree. i’m just so much more fun when I’ve had a night off! But yes, I don’t want to force her if she’s really upset.

I just hope it’s not a ‘I miss mummy’ & he picks his car cars up, chucks her bag through the front door & gleefully shouts absolutely sweetheart, let’s go.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:19

Okshacky · 10/06/2023 23:11

I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it unless you’re getting blind drunk do this when she’s home.

I only ever have 2 glasses but I enjoy peace! I feel like my head’s about to combust after6 days of let’s do this yoga pose, your turn to sing, your turn to dance, come see this, your turn to juggle, let’s bike, let’s climb & so on!

But yes, I think I will slow it down & let her decide.

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 10/06/2023 23:19

Theunamedcat · 10/06/2023 23:13

Maybe she has worked out daddy doesn't really want her around whining that he has a life too is hardly welcoming for her

Agree, she probably picks up on his desire to not have her there. Why is he hanging when he knows he has his child? He sounds shit.

Do you have a grandparent who might enjoy an overnight? I used to go to my maternal grandparents once a week. Loved it.

OverCCCs · 10/06/2023 23:19

Maybe things aren’t so centred around your DD when she’s over there, which is actually a good thing for her to experience. Not to mention the added benefit you mentioned of having some time to focus on yourself, which you should be doing anyways.

It’s wonderful she’s a happy child, but your every waking moment shouldn’t be focused on making her happy, especially if it means she struggles to adjust to a situation (at her dad’s home, no less!) where the balance of needs/wants is almost certainly shifted. As long as he is taking generally good care of her, I’d keep the visits going for the sake of their long term relationship.

GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 23:21

Maybe things aren’t so centred around your DD when she’s over there, which is actually a good thing for her to experience

She is 6 years old. Not a teenager.

TeaKitten · 10/06/2023 23:23

I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes?

Just relax a bit if you are struggling with this, she can learn to play alone at home! She doesn’t need to be so busy with you all the time. Dont make her stay at her dads if she doesn’t want to though.

Okshacky · 10/06/2023 23:25

Put her to bed then have a break. Stop being at her beck and call, you can be living and present without being a prop/facilitator for her every whim. You need to teach her to be more independent and more compassionate.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2023 23:10

I would let her come back to sleep at home BUT I think (if you're happy with this) he should babysit her at your house at least one evening a week, do bath and bedtime there and stay in longer if you want to go out for dinner etc, this would give you some down time and also make her feel more comfortable doing her nighttime routine with him in her own environment, she might as a next step feel more able to do this in his environment.

This is his suggestion. Swap houses for a night but honestly, I don’t want him here.

He lingers for an hour at drop off commenting ‘you’ve lost weight, what’s happened to your titties etc & looking me up & down so I would feel far too exposed having him here. He used to ‘babysit’ her here when I went out but I would dread coming back.

I used to run through the door saying I think I’ve got the shits🤣 (he’d be sat ion my sofa, feet up, glass of wine with an expectant look!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:30

OverCCCs · 10/06/2023 23:19

Maybe things aren’t so centred around your DD when she’s over there, which is actually a good thing for her to experience. Not to mention the added benefit you mentioned of having some time to focus on yourself, which you should be doing anyways.

It’s wonderful she’s a happy child, but your every waking moment shouldn’t be focused on making her happy, especially if it means she struggles to adjust to a situation (at her dad’s home, no less!) where the balance of needs/wants is almost certainly shifted. As long as he is taking generally good care of her, I’d keep the visits going for the sake of their long term relationship.

we’re both really bad for this. All attention on her.

I’m working on it. I do jobs after school & she has to wait or watch tv etc but she does then expect something outdoors still (more so now I’m summer)

I do agree with everything you’ve said. My mum did nothing with me so I think I’ve gone overboard but I’m fixing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:33

BillyNoM8s · 10/06/2023 23:19

Agree, she probably picks up on his desire to not have her there. Why is he hanging when he knows he has his child? He sounds shit.

Do you have a grandparent who might enjoy an overnight? I used to go to my maternal grandparents once a week. Loved it.

Show quote history

I have no family unfortunately. I have an elderly, housebound mum that’s it.

I do have great friends & she goes for tea/afternoons at their houses so I’m very lucky with this & I have their friends over too which makes it easier.

OP posts:
Runningonjammiedodgers · 10/06/2023 23:37

You have my complete sympathy. It's nice to have a night off. I would prob let my kids come home under the circumstances you have described, but her dad sounds shit and you are not being unreasonable for wanting a night to yourself xx

Theunamedcat · 10/06/2023 23:37

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:25

This is his suggestion. Swap houses for a night but honestly, I don’t want him here.

He lingers for an hour at drop off commenting ‘you’ve lost weight, what’s happened to your titties etc & looking me up & down so I would feel far too exposed having him here. He used to ‘babysit’ her here when I went out but I would dread coming back.

I used to run through the door saying I think I’ve got the shits🤣 (he’d be sat ion my sofa, feet up, glass of wine with an expectant look!

Show quote history

Ewww letchy ex 🤮 can you not have a friend over or be on the phone when he drops off just be talking take her off him at the door say thanks and SHUT THE DOOR on him he is an ex you don't need to be "nice" to him just polite well mannered and DISTANT