“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

Don't force a child that isn't happy. BUT you can cut down on the craft activities, park etc etc etc. Don't kill yourself. As a completely lone parent here we do only what I can fit in. Lots of tv, hanging at home etc.

How about if you want to go out once in a while your ex comes over and babysits in the evenings or she goes there for a day.

Also your ex sounds like a charmer with his "i want a fucking life too". Maybe that tells you all you need to know about why she doesn't want to stay with him!

This is about him not doing what he should do. It's between you two.

Tbh I would go out and be unavailable. Go to a quiet pub or something, or the movies, or stay at a friend's house. I know it's not the same as being at home for you, but I think everyone needs to establish a routine and they absolutely need to get used to each other.

He sounds revolting as a partner, and not exactly dad of the year, but he's her dad nonetheless and to build any kind of relationship there needs to be some hours on the clock imo.

The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’.

6/7yos don't have the words to articulate their feelings and experiences. They say what they think will make sense to the listener and achieve their desired effect.

She doesn't want to stay there. He doesn't want her to stay there and she definitely knows this.

Can he see her for an evening in the week? Pick her up from school one day and cover the after-school activity and tea time? That might reduce her missing him and give them both something manageable to focus on, that is about her and her routine, not him and his preferences.

Could you get a babysitter occasionally, even weekly, so you can go out?

In this situation, when there's nothing actually wrong or causing her particular stress there, I totally agree.
Yeah- ask him if the same goes the other way and he's to be on standby in case she says she misses him in the week!

And I agree with the other comments that you can scale back the attentiveness a bit and not feel guilty. Less chat and more grown up time from after dinner perhaps (apart from storytime) - you don't need to buddy up with everything she does.

And stop letting him in your house. Hand over at the door. Thank you and goodnight.

I think it's important to give children alone time even if they say they're bored. Make available pencils, paper, crayons, dressing up stuff etc they soon amuse themselves. My niece barely left her daughter alone from babyhood and now the child is always demanding mummy play with her, added to which she doesn't concentrate very well, never having had the chance to spend time working out what to do by herself.

He was asked to have his own children one night a week and he said ‘I need a fucking life, too?’

Wow.

There's a few things going on here.

Firstly you sound a great mum but kids do actually need time to entertain themselves and play alone. You need to find a way to do this.

I am a LP since ds was 1yo. His dad didn't have him and I always wanted him to to have a break. Also you need time for adult company etc.

What I ended up doing was having people to mine for dinner and was extremely strict with ds that he stayed in his room if he hadn't dropped off to sleep. Kids need to learn adults deserve their time too.

I would want to continue the overnights because she may get use to the idea but agree if it's not working it's probably best to listen to her.

But then you need to get the CMS payments correct for no overnights and use that extra money to get a regular babysitter and go out. If your dd doesn't like this she needs to choose dads house or own house and babysitter.

Is there anyway you can increase the daytime she spends with him? So 1 weekend day and an after school until bedtime?

It's sounds like you have the issue of no overnights but also you have a particularly demanding child and a guilty need to provide fun 24/7 for her.

I hope you find a better balance because you deserve you time too

Maybe just do overnight (non negotiable) every other weekend, with a view to increasing in the future.

I've only got this far. I was already thinking why are you ignoring the massive red flag of your 6 yo not wanting to stay with this man. Then I read this. He is clearly a revolting specimen of man with no concept of normal boundaries and behaviour and you still want to let him look after your 6yo little girl? Your daughter clearly has more sense and doesn't feel safe with him but can't find the right words to explain that to you. He must give her the creeps and you should listen to her because what if his creepy lecherous attitude toward women also applies to little girls as they grow up? Think about that rather than your night on sofa drinking wine with the dog.

What if you weren’t in for this scenario? What if you’d gone out somewhere?

He's her dad. I would go away for the next few weekends, or pretend to. Does he live near enough for her to spend a night there in the week? Bit easier to have structured time maybe?

Also, you sound like a lovely mum but remember it is OK to not actively play with children all the time. Single parenting an only child is so intense!

This .

Also, can you sort out her bedtime routine, so you get time to yourself in the evening, every day? I'd expect a 6/7yo to be in bed by 7.30pm and lights out by 8pm / 8.30 latest.

Of course she doesn’t want to sleep the night there if she is used to sleeping with you in your bed every night! You’re not only her mum and her best friend, you’re her favourite cuddly toy too! I think you need to work on her sleeping alone in her own bed at home, if she is going to feel happy sleeping alone elsewhere.

I’m glad you’ve decided that- I felt a real sense of relief reading it! I was farmed out to relatives a lot as a kid - I know it’s not the same thing but the lack of power over what happened to me, the misery of being away from home constantly, was very distressing.

You sound like a lovely mum and you're clearly doing your absolute best. But you have identified that you've maybe gone too far the other way in not wanting her to have a childhood like yours. Why does she still sleep in bed with you? I worry that you could be inadvertently causing attachment difficulties if you don't start gently encouraging some independence. If you work on this (her sleeping in her own room, self occupying a bit more etc) then perhaps she'll start to be more willing to stay at her dads?
Not saying this to get at you, you sound lovely

I had a friend whose ex used to behave like this at drop off. Despicable. She had to have her brother be there to answer the door.

Yes I agree with this.

^^ what I was going to say!!

Also though OP, don’t blame yourself for the fact that you’re her favourite playmate 24/7 at home. It’s not necessarily anything you’ve done. My eldest played independently from a very young age- not always her first choice when she was tiny but at about age 6/7 I would get regularly rejected 🤣 my youngest however would like to have an audience and buddy for his every waking moment. Some kids are just like that!!

I wouldn't force her, I really wouldn't. I can get you're desperate for a break and I think your dd is old enough to understand you won't always do what she wants; when you're tired, chill out at home. As pp say, step back with the entertaining and encourage her to enjoy her own company.

I'm not a LP so can only imagine how intense it is. My dd are both quite demanding and I am struggling to wean them off either my attention / screentime.

Sounds like another feckless dad. He should be better, but she wants you.

Next time she complains about missing him, tell her she already made a choice about how much time she’s there.

Also, I don’t understand why you can’t drink wine and watch tv once she’s asleep. Mine are asleep by 7:15/7:30, so there’s plenty of time to stare at Netflix and my phone 😂

Boredom in highly underrated.
until children have been allowed to be boarded they don’t figure out how to start entertaining themselves, motivating themselves, and learning about themselves and their emotional regulation. Right now you are one that is the constant playmate, parent, admin secretary- she doesn’t have to think at all about how to occupy her mind, or what things she does that make her happy, sad, excited etc.
children have to be on their own and figure it out for themselves for at least some of time or they become emotionally dependant adults that think their happiness or other emotions are cussed by other people

start by setting some timed goals. Say to her you will be able to do x and y in 20 mins but in meantime she needs to play by herself. Set a clear timer so she can see time going down. Gradually increase frequency and length of that. Aim over time that she has at least 45 mins on her own during school days, and at least 1.5 hours at weekends. Once she started to figure out she can do stuff that keeps her happy, content she’ll want to do more.

Similarly sharing bed with you. She’s 6. No law against it but that seems a little old unless you have one bed place. Start by getting her to go to sleep in her own bed and if she wakes in night she can come into yours. Again you can say she can sleep in your bed at weekends only. Or even she has to sleep in her bed starting one night per week and build up. If she’s used to you being there day and night no wonder she’s having difficulty settling at her dads. She’s not used to his presence next to her at night, men have different smells, are hotter at night generally, he may snore etc and that’s probably why she wants to come home. She needs to be able to sleep by herself to overcome this and give you more of your own space.

@StarDolphins Ooh not nice- I saw a couple in town yesterday with a youngster in a pushchair and the hugely fat bloke was constantly rubbing his wife's bum as they walked along for all to see. Gave me the creeps and she was silent too .